Short admission essay "Tell us about yourself" International student needs help

Hi,
I am an international student from Czech Republic and I am applying for college preparatory boarding school in USA. This is my short essay (100-200 words), topic is "Tell us about yourself and why you would like to become a part of our school family."

My story is similar like the story of thousand of other children: My father struggled with alcohol and drug problems which caused him to leave my mother and me, so I grew up with only my mother. Nevertheless, I realized what I want from my life.

Throughout my life, I have heard people constantly repeat that children who grow up with only one parent end up unsuccessful, on drugs or even in prison. I have decided that I do not want that for me; I will not follow my father's footsteps. Over time my interest in my future and the future of other children developed. My interest in helping people and doing important things for the world grew. I began to teach children who have had a worse childhood than I - children without family or parents, children living in foster homes.

I believe that if you do everything in your power you can achieve anything. You can change your life for the better, no matter the circumstances. Your school can help me to change my future and then, I hope, I will be able to change also future of other people.

Hello, Alexandra -

Typically, revealing essays, where you are asked to elaborate on your ambitions and qualities, are used as a basis for understanding you as a student. Institutions want to know what your goals are in life, how you plan to achieve them, and how you believe attending their school will help you work toward those goals. These are all key points to address in this essay.

In your opening paragraph, you assert a very strong, emotional persona. Yet, the second paragraph is more befitting to an introduction because it roughly defines what you want to do: You want to help others. The "interest in helping people" statement should be embellished to explain how you believe the boarding school will assist with this endeavor. Furthermore, be specific about how you will help others and the world. You do state in the third paragraph that the "school can help [you] change [your] future," but again, you do not indicate how. What classes and/or personal guidance do they offer to support this goal? Do you want to feed people, cloth them, become a teacher or ambassador, etc.?

Moreover, there is no substantial insight into who you are, which is also what the school requests. You have explained (briefly) your past and what you've done. Again, these are good things to explain why you are the way you are and what you want to do, but not "who" and "how."

If you organize your key statements, so that they unequivocally answer the questions, "Who are you?" and "Why are you choosing us?" with elaboration, you will have a very strong essay.

Good luck, Alexandra!

similar to not similar like...
thousand should be thousands...
so I grew up with only my mother... maybe add... "That only made me stronger and more determined." Not so boo hoo for me, and take out Nevertheless...

Tell what capacity you taught the children ...
Good luck!

I like this essay a lot, and I think the AO reader will appreciate it. It already is impressive, but I think if you want to make it even better you have to show that you have the necessary attribute for ensuring that you have success instead of having a messed up life. What is the essential attribute? I think the ability to succeed depends on how much time someone spends reading and planning. So, you achieve half your goal with this eloquent discussion of what you want for yourself, but I hope you will achieve the other half by adding a few sentences that tell about your plan, goals for this year, and the specializations that interest you. Show the reader that you are working on a great plan to make a meaningful career.

:-)