Admission Essay - 250 Words, Describe More About An Activity You Do

Hello Everyone!

I'm writing my essays for an application package and would love your feedback! This essay details more about a specific activity. I chose aquatics/swimming as my activity/sport. Please find below the question and my response.

Tell us more about one of the activities you listed above by explaining what your goals were, the role you played, and what you learned in the process. (maximum 200 words)

swimming and lifesaving

My goal in aquatics was to develop swimming and lifesaving skills by taking Bronze Cross/Medallion and the National Lifesaving (Lifeguard) Course. These goals were relevant to my interest in healthcare and fitness and background in the medical profession (EMR License and St. John Ambulance volunteer). To accomplish these goals, my role was to become proficient in swimming; a skill I had not developed prior. I also needed to be an active leader and student, able to lead during the First Aid Scenarios, understand aquatic lifesaving techniques and utilize feedback. Other roles included being diligent to review material and commit to developing my swimming ability through swimming ten hours a week and researching swim techniques via YouTube. Through this experience, I learned the aquatics can be an excellent low-impact cardiovascular exercise, emergency aquatic techniques, and the ability to develop a skill and aspect that I never had developed previously.

Christopher, when you discuss swimming in terms of what you learned in the process, please do not forget to represent how swimming relates to your chosen career. That is, if you feel that this activity is relevant to your chosen major or, if it will highlight a skill or talent that will help you excel in your chosen field. I would not refer to YouTube as part of the learning that emanated from your participation in the sport. Keep it solely experience related. After all, YT does not qualify as part of the learning process since it did not have you swimming in physical form to learn those lessons. Don't say you expected to lead. Instead, say you led, in reference to the First Aid scenarios. These are already activities that you have completed so using the past tense is pivotal to your discussion. You should also qualify why learning how to swim is crucial to the learning process that you have in store for you in relation to your chosen major. That will help make the activity more relevant to the prompt requirements.

@Holt

Hello Holt! Excellent feedback. Thank for you helping me towards a more powerful essay. I have revised the essay with your feedback. Would you mind taking another glance?

My goal in aquatics was to develop swimming and lifesaving skills by completing the Bronze Cross/Medallion and National Lifesaving (Lifeguard) Course. These goals were relevant to my healthcare and fitness interest along with my background in the medical profession (EMR License and St. John Ambulance). To accomplish these goals...

Hi Christopher. Let's get something clear, your essay is good. It is pretty solid in presenting information and does not hold back when it comes to sharing the excitement that you had when you were learning how to swim. Everything that you shared fits the requirements except for the portion about your goals. Your goal in taking on this training was not to become an active leader and student. The goal should be related to your professional life as an EMT and an employee of St. John Ambulance.

Basically, the need to learn to swim should have related to, perhaps, the rescue missions that you were called upon to do. For example, helping to save a drowning victim, or simply drown proofing yourself in the event that you would need to perform a rescue mission in a flooded city or state. Those are the goals that relate to your professional side. So what role did you play in this instance? You played the role of a student who is increasing his water scenario rescue abilities by learning how to swim under various scenarios. What did you learn? You learned how to execute various swimming movements in reference to either leisurely swimming or rescue swimming scenarios.

@Holt

Hello Holt! I'd have to say that after a few days on this website, I have really noticed your contribution. It is a great motivator to develop my writing and contribute to the community.

I'd like to add that the objective of my essay to convey that I had goals in subjects where I had no expertise in. Then through my efforts and background in somewhat related fields, I was able to succeed. I'm hoping that admissions would see this as an explanation of how I can succeed in a field that is completely new to me!

Do my comments above change your feedback or should I continue to revise this essay as you recommended?

In all honesty, I did not see the objective of your explanation within your statement. I reviewed the prompt that you posted along with the original statement and it did not have any reference to what you are trying to convey to the reviewer. However, if you feel that this is the approach that you wish to take for this statement, make sure that your goals are clear to the reviewer, who might have a different idea of the information that should be presented based upon the prompt requirements.

You should know that it is your intentions for the essay that should be clear here. I am only going to guide you as to how best to deal with the prompt. In such cases, like this one where you have a specific goal in mind, you should go ahead and use the discussion that you are comfortable presenting. The one that represents your voice the best is the one that should be presented to the reviewer. So in the end, it is your decision to make. Compare my suggestion to your goals for the essay and decide which one is best for you to follow.