Admissions Essay about my future career plans-feedback

As a child, I was the one in my family who took interest in helping members who were in need of care. I thought of myself as the "nurse" of the family. That idea carried throughout my years of elementary and secondary education.

Nursing fulfills all of the criteria I am looking for in my personal definition of the perfect job. I have chosen nursing as my academic major because of my determination to change people's lives for the better. Having the passion, responsibility, and willingness to learn, I know that I can have a successful career in nursing with the right education, and I believe that the University of Scranton can provide me with that. I'm determined and extremely positive so I know that I'm more then capable of being part of your program and succeeding.

I hope to bring my own diversity to the University of Scranton environment through my faith, volunteer work, and musical talents. I am confident I would make a great addition to your campus, and exceed just like your other students, and I'm willing to work my way to the top and impress not only myself but others around me. I plan on giving college all I have in order to accomplish such a rewarding career. Being accepted into the University of Scranton will be an honor. I look forward to being part of the University of Scranton community and experiencing all the fine things the university has to offer.

This is pretty good, but you could make it better by logging onto the schools website to find something specific that sets them apart from other schools. A program, a professor, location, why is THAT the school you're interested in?

I'm determined and extremely positive, so I know that I'm more than capable of being part of your program and succeeding.

...and exceed your expectations. just like your other students,and I'm willing...

As a child, I was the member of my family who took interest in helping those who were in need of care.

Give more details about your intentions as a nurse. This is supposed to be about your career plans. Do you want to work in a hospital or some other setting? What concepts in nursing are most interesting to you? Read about transcultural nursing, evidence-based practice, and other concepts, and mention them! That will show how motivated you are. Read some journal articles about nursing and mention them.