UT Admissions essay: influential person

prompt:Choose an issue of importance to you--the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope--and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.

I hope it's not too cliche or anything because I'm writing about a typical family member (though it's all very true). this is my first post :) I really need help on the overall flow of ideas. i think it sounds kinda awkward at certain places.

"Bie hai pa," he said to me. Don't be afraid.

But all I could think about was my face (or behind for that matter) tragically meeting the concrete. I thought: there is no way I'm going to survive this test on eight miniature wheels. Fortunately, I had a coach by my side the whole way. He didn't carry an intimidating red whistle around his neck, nor did he hurl commands at me. In fact, he was the complete opposite of the typical instructor that people imagine. Not only did he teach me how to roller-skate at a young age, but he also gave me the confidence and strength I needed later on in life. He is my lifetime mentor--my father.

On my seventh birthday, my dad bought me a colorful helmet and a pair of roller blades for my birthday gift. "I'll teach you," he assured me. Right after my birthday party, he carried me out of the apartment, plopped me onto the concrete sidewalk with my new skates on, and wrapped me with all kinds of pads around my knees, elbows, and hands. I looked like a miniature warrior ready to combat anything. In actuality, I felt the complete opposite. As soon as I began moving, I was tumbling backwards and suppressing the urge to cry. I clenched my dad's arm as tightly as possible and refused to release him. He tried to calm me down, telling me to bend my knees more. Then he did the unthinkable. Without a single warning, he let go of my hand as I leaned forward. The inevitable came, and I had no chance but to crash to the ground. I wanted to cry out loud in frustration and ask why he did that. "Did that hurt?" he asked pulling me back to my feet with a smile. "No," I simply responded, but I was still in shock. "Do it again," he instructed. "Be sure to lean forward and not backwards." I drew in a deep breath and followed his advice. After toppling over and over again, I succeeded in skating down the sidewalk without any help whatsoever. I couldn't believe it.

It's amazing how such a small snippet of memory can have such a great impact. Looking back on that day, I realize the meaning behind my father's mysterious smile. He wanted me to get a taste of what falling for the first time felt like. He wanted me to conquer my fear of the unknown and to not be discouraged in the process, teaching me a valuable lesson: Every plunge into uncertainty--every risk--is a closer step to self-confidence and a step away from doubt. Although he never had the luxury of much parental support when he was my age, my father wanted me to grow up knowing that I did. His definition of support wasn't complete guidance or nurture: it was simply being an encouraging voice in the background--the same voice that carried me through my first skating lesson and one that will always give me reassurance.

^I think if you remove this, your introduction reads as more concrete. I think what I have quoted is kind of waffling a bit, so removing it therefore would be more direct and more effective.


^Id suggest removing that as well.


^Bit cliched. Try and come up with a better way of expressing this. Also, you do not feel a taste.

Its a good essay actually. Its quite brief, to the point and quite an interesting read surprisingly. You could make it more brief and effective, by perhaps taking some of my advice and removing what I suggested?

In terms of grammar though, you do adopt an informal tone at times. Do not abbreviate.

Thank you Liebe! I will definitely try your suggestions. I'm just worried that the essay is too short after taking all those sentences out (?). I don't know if length really matter though. But just as you said, as long as it's brief and to the point I guess.

Yes, my essay does have an informal tone now that I look at it. Is that a bad thing? Also, can you tell me where I abbreviated that way I can edit that :) I'll post my revised essay as soon as possible!

Hello, Yang, I have good news and bad news for you. The good news is better than the bad news is bad. The good news is that you have a distinct and very likable writing style, so you are blessed with an important talent. The bad news is that this is the wrong essay for the prompt!

I hope you will use this excellent essay for another application or some other purpose, but for this essay you need to choose an ISSUE. Global warming, corruption in politics, the international security dilemma, homelessness, oppression of minorities, cruelty to animals -- it has to be an issue... for example, a controversial or pressing issue.

This essay does not see too informal to me. When you are looking for abbreviations, though, it is looking for the apostrophe: for example, in formal writing, you shoud use "do not" instead of don't. "Don't" is a contraction, an abbreviation.

^Yea, that is an extremely valid point and I apologize for having not made this point earlier. I did not quite read the essay prompt properly. All I read was UT: Influential person.

It should be an issue. It can even be a personal issue with your father actually. It doesnt have to be global warming or corruption etc, because whilst those are all controversial issues, its important to realize that written material on these topics rarely tend to catch reader interest or come off as particularly thought provoking for an admissions essay.

You can still choose to write about them however. By no means am I suggesting that any of Kevin's suggestions are wrong, invalid or uninteresting.

What I am saying is that you are writing an admissions essay;it is unlikely that an admissions essay on certain contraversial topics, from a high school studennt, will be a very interesting read to an Admissions Officer due to a lack of actual new eyebrow raising information or unique perspectives.

Also do remember that the typical conclusion for these type of essays tend to be on how the issue should be dealt with, even though most people are fairly aware of how these problems should be dealt with and, basically the essay is just concluded with some teenager stating the obvious and not actually doing anything about it. I think its a huge mistake to do that. It seems somewhat hypocritical to dedicate an 'issue of importance' to an admissions essay and then preach about what should be done to defeat this supposed 'important' issue, even though the writer itself has not done anything in the past to support his suggestion. If it really was an issue of importance, why hasnt the writer even taken a proactive stance? Or was it actually, just not that important?

Good luck. This is a tough essay prompt.

It's okay! I'm wrong all the time because of talking too much... :-) never hesitate to tell me I'm mistaken! ha haha...

It seems like what Faisal is saying is that you do not need to write about a TYPICAL issue, like global warming.


So... are you saying it is too common for people to write about issues like global warming and that it is okay to take an unconventional approach? I don't completely understand, for sure what you mean, but... anyway, i think it is important to make sure the admissions person sees that you understand the prompt. to make sure, it is good to refer to an issue at the end of the first paragraph. That way, it is clear that you are addressing the prompt.

:-) Thanks Faisal!! If you have a chance, explain a little more what you mean!

^You still are not wrong. It was just that it may have seemed that I was discrediting your suggestions, when in fact, I was just trying to make a point on how TYPICALLY CONTROVERSIAL issues are not necessarily the best way to go when writing an admissions essay.


^Definitely. An unconvential approach is what will definitely make the essay different compared to all the other similar essays, and an unconventional approach is likely to also just have an improved lasting impression on the reader, which in this case, will be the Admissions Committee.

I was saying that writing about issues such as global warming is common, to the point, that it has transgressed the boundaries of trite and banal such that these types of essays can bore readers, such as myself, from the very first sentence.

We are all familiar with well researched documentaries and the copious amounts of published warnings etc.
Does the Admissions Commitee really require a high school student to rant and rave about a controversial issue that is already so well known? Does it really help to just repeat the already established and known facts? Not really. Mainly because, it is boring and uninformative, both of which are qualities that Id assume most applicants would not want to reveal about themselves.

If an unconventional approach was taken however, the essay should be a more interesting read because it contains new, possibly thought provoking information that has not been considered earlier that can even reflect the intellectuality of the writer.


^Yes definitely. Failing to address the prompt either shows basic illiteracy or an inability to comply with the basic requirements of a question, which in this case is an essay prompt.

interesting introduction

the same voice that carried me through my first skating lesson and one that will always give me reassurance.

i think you should show the example that how this impact your daily life or does it impacts your decisions after that incident.

sorry for not quoting and my baby suggestion.

OH WOW. I posted the wrong essay prompt. Yeah, my essay is actually supposed to be on the "write about someone who has influenced you and tell why he/she is important." that kind of prompt. Goodness, sorry about all the confusion.

But overall, IF i had put the write prompt up there lol, what do you think overall?