Unanswered [19] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 3

My 2nd Admissions Essay for University of Austin, become more independent


tsumlakers88 2 / 2  
Feb 18, 2009   #1
Hey guys just wondering you could give me some additional positive criticism on this other essay that I am going to send in with my application, any help again would be greatly appreciated.

Choose an issue of importance to you-the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope-and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation:

I have had a lot of personal issues that I have had to deal with during my lifetime. Some of the main ones would include my parents divorcing at a young age, along with eventual step-parents which made things worse, my brother and his constant drug and alcohol problems, and even finding out that I have an older sister who I have never met before that is nearly ten years older than I am. But surprisingly none of those issues are one of the ones that I currently have to deal with, and some might think that it is not even a big deal, but to me it is, and that issue is a lack of independence. From my mother, my girlfriend, and even my current job have all had an impact on me not being able to branch out and become more independent.

Let's start with my mother. I want to start out by praising my mother because she is my hero and I love her and respect her more than anything, and without her I honestly have no clue where I would be or what I would become. Now putting that all aside, she in a way has become my own worst enemy. I currently go to school at Texas State University down in San Marcos, but if you could see my schedule you would not think that this is the case. I am back home at my mother's every weekend so that I can work and hang out with my friends and whatnot, and before I go back each Sunday she provides with mounds of food along with fresh and clean laundry. To others it may seem like no big deal, but it haunts me a lot almost every day. Sure I am only 19, but at some point I have to be able to branch off and do my own thing. Because if I'm not able to do little things such as these by myself, what makes me think that I can provide for myself when greater issues are brought to the forefront?

Now on to my girlfriend Laura, who also attends Texas State University. We have been dating for nearly three and a half years now, ever since the beginning of our junior years in high school. We get along great and do a lot of things together, but the reason I put her on this list is because I have grown too comfortable with her to the point that I am not willing to do anything else or go out and meet other people. She is one of the puzzle pieces that make up my comfort zone, and it allows me to live in my own little world essentially. Now some of you may think I am coming off as blaming her for my dependence on others, which is far from the truth. I love her more than everything and she is the greatest thing that ever happened to me, but if I continue this dependence on her as well as others I will continue to dig a hole that I will never be able to get out of.

The final issue here would be my current job at Toys R Us in Austin. I have been employed here for over 2 years now, and have met a lot of great people that I hang out with nearly every weekend that I am in Austin. This has been my first and only job, which in there lays the problem. Like I have mentioned before with my girlfriend Laura, I have grown so accustomed to this job that instead of it being a part of my life, it has become me in a way. It is a part of my routine, and I have no idea what would happen if I were to venture off of this routine. Granted, we as a nation are in a tough economic crisis right now and it's better to keep this job that pays decently part-time than to quit and say try and find a job down in San Marcos, because I might not be able to. But that is beside the point. I feel that it is just another excuse that I have come up with that is disabling me from becoming the person that I eventually want to become.

Trying to break out of your comfort zone and becoming more independent can be one of the hardest things to ever accomplish. I believe that I am able to do things for myself, it's just about stepping up and stop making constant excuses for what you are doing is okay. I have made the first step in admitting that I have a problem, but putting them into action is a whole different ball game. I believe I can achieve my ultimate goal in becoming successful in life, and to me it all starts on being your own person, and becoming independent.

zowzow 10 / 175  
Feb 19, 2009   #2
I have never met before who is nearly ten years older than I am.

Texas State University down in San Marcos

and whatnot

just my opinion but i think this essay is faaar too conversational and informal

to a some degree and with your topic of choice some leniency could be given but this is more like you talking to your friend than sending an essay to a university.

i have no problem with the topic and your way of spinning things, connecting ideas, however i think this should be more formalized.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Feb 19, 2009   #3
From My mother, my girlfriend, and even my current job have all had an impact on me not being able to branch out and become more independent.

...and before I go back each Sunday she provides me with mounds of food along with fresh, and clean laundry.

Granted, we as a nation are in a tough economic crisis right now and it's better to keep this job that pays decently part-time than to quit and say try and find a job down in San Marcos, because I might not be able to.

I believe that I am able to do things for myself, it's just about stepping up and not making constant excuses that what I am doing is okay.

I have taken the first step in admitting that I have a problem, but putting them into action is a whole different ball game.

I believe I can achieve my ultimate goal in becoming successful in life, and to me it all starts with being your own person, and becoming independent.

Here are a few minor fixes. I agree with zowzow that it is pretty conversational and laid back, but it does work.

Good luck in school.

:)


Home / Undergraduate / My 2nd Admissions Essay for University of Austin, become more independent