Adult returning to school... review/critique this very ROUGH draft?

For the last 15 years I have allowed life to be my tutor, mentor. I have had the opportunity and privilege to start, own and operate successful businesses and start a family. The need to work hard from an early age began at the age of 16, when my father, the sole provider for my family of four was seriously injured in an accident. His inability to provide for the family necessitated my full time employment so young.

My freshman and sophomore years in high schools were quite productive and I earned consistent "A" grades through all of my classes for both years with the exception of a lone "B". I was excited about graduating at an early age and entering college early. Unfortunately my new tutor, life, had other plans for me. I went to work some days as early as 5am, attended abbreviated courses and was allowed to leave school early so I could return to work. I held 2 full time jobs as well as assisted with the family owned business just to support my family. After graduation college wasn't a privilege that would be realized by me, my family's survival took first place.

Life taught me the value of working hard, the desire of success as well as the realization of it. I enjoyed a career in real estate and finance and had a successful family life of my own until a combination of factors including a costly divorce settlement and a dramatic economic downturn found me unemployed in a job market that was very competitive. I was no longer able to rely on the experiences that life had taught me in order to secure suitable employment. I needed that secondary education that I was unable to obtain earlier in life.

Since my graduation I have resided in the Midwest and have adopted its values of hard work, honesty and integrity. Living in Fargo has opened my eyes to NDSU and the value of its curriculum, in particular its pre-law emphasis *find better word*. I have had the chance to explore options of attending other schools but enjoy the fact that I can both continue residing in an area that has taught me so much, afforded me the opportunities I've enjoyed thus far in life and will enjoy in the future. NDSU offers me what I was looking for in my junior and sophomore years of high school: the chance to earn a degree and the chance to contribute my experiences back to our community. Although at this later stage in my life I have the advantage of wisdom of a few years to appreciate this opportunity, perhaps more than I would have if I entered college when I was younger.

General George S. Patton stated, "I don't measure a man's success by how high he climbs, but how high he bounces when he hits bottom". I climbed hard and fast. I reached every goal I set for myself. I have fallen. The opportunity to pursue a law degree beginning at NDSU is allowing me to "bounce". I can bounce far higher than I climbed on my own with the experiences I've had, the drive I possess and lastly but most importantly, the help of a quality education from NDSU will provide.

This is very well-written. You have had an interesting life and are quite well-prepared for college. NDSU will be lucky to have you.

There are some minor tweaks that need to be made. But otherwise, it'll be fine. You're the kind of student colleges are looking for.

Thank you.

Besides the few grammatical changes, anything you would recommend? Thanks so much again. This is my one shot and I'm so looking forward to it.

[Moved from]: an essay about the ADULT LEARNING THEORY

HELLO GUYS! ^_^I really need your help,I need to write an essay about the ADULT LEARNING THEORY and I don't have a clue how to do it.

please answer asap
thank you very much.

Just because I have a lot to say, doesn't mean that you are a horrible writer. I am verbose by nature and I like to explain why I would change the things I'd change. Here are some comments for you:


I'd take out the first word "start" here. Owning and operating are good enough to stand on and the repetition of the word "start" detracts from the concept of starting a family. Likewise, "opportunity" isn't needed here and it could have negative connotations. Opportune connotes that something was fortunate, convenient, or timely--you want to leave the admission staff feeling like you worked hard for your businesses and your family instead of giving the impression that these situations fell into your lap. Privilege is another one of those words that connotes special treatment or rights, but it works here.


I'd take our "at the age of 16." It gets a little redundant with "from an early age." Besides, some people would consider it normal for a sixteen-year old to be working--working hard--even, and most wouldn't consider it "an early age." Working full time would be a different--most people don't expect that from a high schooler. It is better in this case to leave out the specific age and let the readers define in their minds what an early age and let the next sentences define working hard for them.


There you go! Now the reader has a better idea of what working hard means. Tell the reader more. How did you juggle a 40-hour work week with full-time school? When did you sleep? Were you able to have a social life? How did you feel?


Put the period inside of the quotation mark.


Drop the second "early."


Spell out the number two. There should be a hyphen between full and time and another between family and owned. Two full-time jobs? Eighty hours a week? Plus school and helping with the family business? Whew! I am exhausted just thinking about it! You might find the reader getting skeptical here. If you are working 80 hours, going to school for let's say 20 hours, and putting another ten into the family business each week--you are talking about sixteen hour days, every day.


Put a comma after the word graduation. I'd change the word privilege to something like option. You have already used privilege once and with a slightly different meaning. "That would be realized by me" is passive and wordy. If you change privilege to option, you could just omit the whole thing. The second part of this sentence could stand as a sentence on its own so you will need to add wither a conjunction or use a semicolon. I like the semicolon better.


This sentence is a little awkward. The comma leads me to believe that there will be a list, but that list never comes. AND ... "the value of" sets up ALL of the things that follow ... the value of working hard, the value of the desire of success, the value of the realization of it. You could say something like: Life taught me the value of working hard, to desire success, and the sweetness when success is realized. Okay, still not the best sentence, but I hope it gives you some ideas.


I am not crazy about this sentence. I'd tighten it up a bit by trying to say what you need to say with as few words as possible. I think I'd omit the part about the divorce and the costly settlement. Most people will assume that if you had a costly divorce stttlement, it means that you had a lot of financial resources--at least at the time the case was in court. You could work in that you are a single mom somewhere in the essay without it sounding like you are wanting to air dirty laundry or tell the admissions people about personal romantic failures. Try something like: I enjoyed a real estate and finance career until the economic downturn left me unemployed in a competitive job market.


I am nit picking here. I hope you don't mind me nit picking. I don't like the word, "needed." Try something a little more positive ... desired, wanted, aspired, yearned. "That I was unable to obtain"is clunky. Try something like, "that eluded me."

That's all I can tackle tonight. Good luck with it!

Whoops! That was NOT Kevin writing that. I didn't realize that the computer at our house was still logged in under his name (Kevin is my brother). I responded.

Start by researching your topic. Then, brainstorm to think of things you want to say about your topic that could be supported by your research. Use that material to create an outline. Then write a draft based on that outline. Then post it here for feedback.