"Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family."
This is my essay for the common app prompt #5. I think I hate it and I don't know what to do about it. There's not much time left please help!!
For two people who share half of the same genetic makeup, my twin Madi and I couldn't be more different. Madi, my twin, has always been the outgoing one. In high school, she thrived. She was invited to every party and took part in every social opportunity that presented itself. Friendships were her priority and people loved her. I, on the other hand, couldn't be bothered with relationships.
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"Madi, my twin, has always been the outgoing one." Don't need to repeat.
"couldn't be bothered with relationships." bit informal and dismissive.Perhaps stating that you did not have a strong social drive, preferred a few close friends. You don't want to appear anti-social or incompatible with group work which is necessary in collage.
"rather than by the sweaty teenagers at a party." You don't want to come off as superior to others, like their preferences are inferior. That may not be what you are saying, but it could be misread. You can just leave it as "not your cup of tea."
"Just like that, I had been plucked from my comfortable, little world and dumped on to a vast new planet that didn't come with a rulebook." Go more into detail here. This is really good raw emotion which shows growth of character.
"I came to realize that life wasn't about the futile commodities you collected, like books." This part may better be suited to the end of your essay after the reader has read about your growth.
By the way my twin sister is also reading this, and we know how close a relationship it is. I hope both you and your sister have a healthy and happy future.
Hi my twin sister puppytime is also giving you feedback! You sound too happy in your comfort zone at the beginning, so when you "break down the walls" it does not leave as much of an impact on the reader, maybe show some discontent in your introverted ways. You should also focus on your relationship with your sister and overall make it clear how her cancer caused you to mature. The center of this story is emotional so feel free to go all out in analyzing how you felt. You have a lot of jumps, a more fluid and detailed narration will set the story up as more of a journey into adulthood. Maybe talk about taking care of your sister when she was sick. All the luck in the world for you and your sis! Also please help me on my essay! : (
For two people who share half of the same genetic makeup, my twin Madi and I couldn't be more different. Madi has always been the outgoing one. In high school, she thrived. She was invited to every party and took part in every social opportunity that presented itself. Friendships were her priority and people loved her. I, on the other hand, focused my time and energy on other interests. It's not to say I didn't have friends, in fact I had quite a few. But rather, I simply felt more comfortable spending my Friday nights at home in my room, engulfed by the characters of a novel rather than by the sweaty teenagers at a party. I didn't care if people loved me or knew my name: I was perfectly content by myself.
But that all changed very quickly.
I woke up that morning to the late afternoon sun streaming through my window. There was a buzz in the air, today was supposed to be a good day - the day we left for our vacation to Cuba. I was sitting at the kitchen table, deciding which collection of books to bring on the trip when I heard my mom and sister arrive home. "We have to talk" are never good words to hear, and this time proved to be no different. There were so many words- too many words- that I vaguely remember hearing. Biopsy. Malignant. Chemo. Cancer. They were all meaningless, everything I needed to know I got from the look in my sister's eyes. The insurmountable fear that exuded from her blue eyes is an image that will be branded in the back of my mind for the rest of my existence. I yearned to break eye contact with her; it hurt more to see the pain in her eyes than it did to hear the word "cancer". However, for some unexplainable reason I couldn't tear my eyes away from hers. Just like that, I had been plucked from my comfortable, little world and dumped on to a vast new planet, one without rules.
The idea that my sister, a person I loved so dearly, could be so easily taken from me shook me to my core, and forced me to question my priorities. It occurred to me that I could have lost her without really getting to know her. Which is tragic, considering we had been womb mates and virtually inseparable since birth.
As she underwent treatment, I found myself spending less time with my nose in a book and more time strengthening and deepening the relationships I had built with others. Books can be a great way to distract ones self from the trials and tribulations of life. However, I now know that this is not a permanent solution. The only way to live in the present is by freeing your self from your past. Moreover, in order to create a future, we must first acknowledge the past and make amends with it. Relationships help with this.
I grew more in that year than I had in the seventeen years I've been on this planet. This experience challenged, tested and pushed me to become more of the person I want to be. I have come to understand that relationships are more important than any item I might posses - they are irreplaceable, invaluable, and forever. Life isn't about the valuables you collect. But rather, it is about the precious moments your share with the ones you love the most. The heroes and heroines of my latest paperback adventures were just not going to cut it anymore. Andrew Murphy, the author, once said, "You are confined only by the walls you build yourself." To me, those walls are personified by my childhood. By breaking down these walls of isolation, I was able to break loose from the comfort of my youth and finally enter into the exciting new world of adulthood.
I changed it alot, do you think this flows better??