"Aikido, Martial Arts" - Elaborate on an Extracurricular Activity

Yep, its the Common App Short Answer Writing prompt.
The prompt requires to elaborate on an extracurricular activity or work experience in 150 words or fewer.

The activity I chose is Aikido.

"Unlike virtuosos, I did not begin my avocation as a toddler. In fact, I have never heard of it until six months before I started doing Aikido. But the moment I entered an Aikido dojo, my heart was racing erratically and shouting that I belonged in the dojo. I could hear my pulse pounding, my breath beating every time I observe my upperclassmen perform graceful forms. I could feel my soul jumping up and down every time I practice those graceful forms. And every time I exit the dojo, my brain would tell me that I would always be coming back. My beginning might be a little late but my passion for my activity is just as strong as any other genius'."

In fact, I have never heard of it until six months before I started doing Aikido.

But the moment I entered an Aikido dojo, my heart was racing erratically and shouting that I belonged in the dojo.


I feel like this is redundant to the phrase preceding this sentence...

Overall I like it, but it just needs some revision. Good luck! :)

Thanks for the input!
I'm currently reworking it.

May I know why I should eliminate the particle 'an' though?

Here's my rewrite. Not much changed though.

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Unlike virtuosos, I did not begin my avocation as a toddler. In fact, I have never heard of it until six months before I started Aikido. But the moment I entered an Aikido dojo, my heart was racing erratically and shouting that I belonged in the dojo. Simply observing my upperclassmen perform those graceful forms made my pulse pound. Practicing those forms allowed my ki--my energy--to flow within myself and around me. I felt that all my pent-up ki found its purpose. Every time I exit the dojo, my brain would tell me that I would always be coming back. My beginning might be a little late but my passion for my activity is just as strong as any other genius' towards their expertise.

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I'm considering eliminating the sentenced that has a strike-through. I don't think it fits very well with the paragraph.What do you think?

Word count:124

I really like sdawns re-write, although I still think the concluding sentence could be stronger. Maybe you could do something like - Even though I started late, my passion for the activity (sport?) is just as strong as any Aikido master's.

Overall, I really like it. I think you wrapped up a complete idea in the small word count well, which ALWAYS gives me problems. :)

I agree that the concluding sentence is abrupt. I'm considering adding this before the final sentence:

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Aikido is my avenue, the Shangri-la I spent nearly two decades searching.

---

By avenue I mean outlet, egress, etc.

Hi Stephanie, thank you for critiquing my essay, your critique is really helpful and I totally admire your skill in trimming essays. If you didn't tell me, I would think English is your native language.=)

anyway, here's my comment about your essay. I really like your last idea about the closing sentence, I think it is stronger.I like your essay, it's really good.

sorry I didn't make any revision, because I think it's already great.
Good Luck.

You're welcome Jane! I'm glad I could be of help. :]

I added the "Aikido is my avenue [...]" sentence before my final sentence.

Thanks a lot to everyone who posted here!