I have written a personal statement for a US student exchange program. The essay (250 words) should be based on:
Your interests and personality
Your academic objectives
Your goals related to your field of study and personal development
The reasons why you wish to pursue them in the U.S.A and how it relates to your interests and future objectives
Heres my statement, tell me what u guys think?
As a student I have always kept a proper balance between my social and academic life.I have always been an outgoing person,sharing my experiences with people from all walks of life,going new places and meeting new people,learning different cultures and exchanging ideas.Cricket and football has been my favorite sports since childhood.Presently my interests include the sport of bodybuilding.
My aim is to become a Cardiovascular surgeon.I have learned from my childhood experiences that one has to work hard in order to become a good Doctor.With these goals in my mind,taking the medical field was an appropriate choice.From my first grade till my matriculation I topped my school and was also in the list of top 30 students of my college and now have the same kind of positive mentality for my university life.
My ultimate goal in life is to become a good doctor.Charity begins at home so I want to help the poor and NEEDY people of my country first.It would be a great opportunity to further polish and refine my skills,as the volume of good doctors in my appointed field is scarce in Pakistan.Later in life,my dream is to establish a hospital and facilitate people on a larger scale.
As it is said that the United States of America is the land of opportunities,so it would be a great chance for me to avail it. Secondly,America has one of the world's finest and prestigious universities,therefore,this program would further contribute to my resume and help me to have a more practical and on hand experience.
Shayan, please od not hijack the threads that other students have started. Always start your own thread when positing your own essay. Keep that in mind for the next time you post an essay. For now, I will humor you and give you some advice regarding your work. I am sure the forum admin will move you to a fresh thread as soon as they see this hijacking.
My aim is to become a Cardiovascular surgeon.I have learned from my childhood experiences that one has to work hard in order to become a good Doctor.
- You need to expand upon this idea. What childhood experience was it that exposed you to the field of medical doctors? Were you a patient before? Where did this inspiration come from? What kind of exposure did you have? Were you a candy striper? A volunteer at the hospital? How did you gain this early exposure? Expanding upon the discussion will be part of your response to your interests and personality. How did this exposure help you develop a certain kind of personality?
I want to help the poor and NEEDY needy people of my country first
- While you consider the all caps to be emphasis, to the reviewer, you are shouting at him. Proper written decorum dictates that you never use all caps when writing formal essays as it comes across as screaming on the page. This is not be confused with the editing markings on a page.
While the essay overall is simple yet informative, it does not provide the reviewer with any idea as to how you see the opportunity of studying in the USA will be a benefit to your future goals and objectives. Develop a paragraph discussion of how you plan to first work in the United States before you go back home to provide for the needy in your country. Remember, the United States is your host country and as such, you should repay them with some sort of community service upon the completion of your studies. So reflect that in your essay. you can talk about training programs and other academic opportunities that will help make you a better doctor for starters.
Shayan, I'd like to share my insights on your essay.
- I'mhave always been( you have used this phrase in the previous sentence) an outgoing person,
- Cricket and football has beenare my favorite sports since childhood.Presently my interests includeand currently I am into the sport of bodybuilding.
- Charity begins at home so I want to help the poor and NEEDY people who are in need and it will start inof my country first.
-Later in life,my dream isI'd like to establish a hospital and facilitate people on a larger scale.
- so it would be a great chance for me to avail ittake the opportunity .
- Secondly,AmericaThe country has
- contribute to my resumecredentials and help me to have a
- more practical and on hands on experience.
Shayan, I had a little tough time proof reading your essay as it needs a lot of improvement, I did incorporate those remarks on your essay, I hope you follow through.
Its my first time posting an essay on a forum so i m not that much familiar with all the process so sorry for that. Next time i wont hijack another thread.
i have made a few changes just like u told me, i hope it wont lack anything now.
Hi Shayan, don't worry about it :-) This version of your essay is a big improvement over the previous version. It still needed some editing and grammar correction during the proofreading on my end so I just went ahead and did it for you offline. I did not bother to mark the changes in the essay anymore because marking it along with the changes will just confuse you. So please see the 288 word edited version of your essay below :
I believe that I am well rounded person since I have always kept a proper balance between my social and academic life. I'm an outgoing person who loves sharing experiences with others from all walks of life,going new places and learning about different cultures and exchanging ideas.Cricket and football are my favorite childhood sports, and currently, I' have gotten into bodybuilding.
My aim is to become a Cardiovascular surgeon. I was inspired by my uncle who is the only eye specialist in the family. He has always had a positive impact on me , specially when it came to inspiring me to become a doctor. So growing up, I knew that I wanted to be like him. It just seems like the appropriate choice for me.
My ultimate goal in life is to become a good doctor.It is said that charity begins at home so I plan on helping the poor and the needy of my country first and foremost. It would be a great opportunity to further polish and refine my skills,as the volume of good doctors in my appointed field are scarce in Pakistan.I would like to establish a charitable hospital for those who cannot afford healthcare in Pakistan.
I want to pursue my goals in the USA because it's ranked as the best in Clinical medicine. The studies are more practical and research based,acting as a catalyst in enhancing the students capability to display their expertise in a desired field more efficiently.My plan is to take part in community service and Clinical medicine training programs,which will allow me to interact with people from different cultures, allowing me to look at life from a different perspective and help me connect with people following a common goal.
See if there is any portion you would still want to edit and let me know if you will need my help with the revision. I'll be more than happy to assist you :-)
Thank you so much for your kind cooperation, i really appreciate it. i think the essay is perfect , doesnt have any useless details. once again thank you very much