Air Force Academy 500 word essay - ethical dilemma

I am a very strong mathematics student, but I am not nearly as strong a student in English.
Please help me!! =] I appreciate your opinions and critiques. I had a lot of trouble writing this, but I did the best I could. I'm semi-embarrassed to show this to my english teacher, so here it is.

Topic: Describe a setback or ethical dilemma that you have faced. How did you resolve it? How did the outcome affect you? If something similar happens in the future, how would you react?

Alcohol is an almost unavoidable substance in the present day high school setting. In my junior year of high school I was left out of almost all of my close friend's weekend activities due to their awareness of my disapproval of underage alcohol consumption. The genesis of our friendship was freshman year on the high school soccer team, all five of us becoming newly acquainted with each other. The two years following freshman soccer we all became very close, spending weekends at each other's houses, and weekdays partaking various club activities. Our friendship was obsolete until the last few weeks of the summer between sophomore and junior year. At this time one of my closest friends began experimenting with alcohol. His new girlfriend insisted he start "living life on the edge", seeing as he will soon be considered an upperclassman, so he did so. As a result, instead of spending his weekends with his close friends, he went out partying, smoking, and having sex. This lifestyle attracted my other three close friends, leaving me isolated. They were all aware of my disapproval of their activities, yet they attempted to influence me to ruin my body by consuming alcohol at a delicate age. They said it was "so much fun" and "not that big of deal", but in the end it was me influencing them that it was a big deal, showing them fact sheets about alcohol that prove that what they were doing was not at all worthwhile. Not only were their actions illegal, but they went against everything that I believe in. I did everything I could to influence them not to drink, but to no avail were my actions. Inevitably, I dissociated myself with them, explicitly ending the close friendship that started freshman year.

Although dissociation with them was not the resolution I desired, it was in my best interest. If they chose alcohol over me, I must not have been very important to them as I thought I was. I do believe, however, that I handled the situation appropriately, and that it was right for me to chose my personal health over my desire to keep my close friends. As my former friends tried something new, so did I. I began running, eventually discovering that it is something that I love to do Instead of continuing my high school soccer career, I joined the high school cross country team, a decision that I am very glad I made. Not only did running every day allow me to clear my head and focus on the future instead of the past, it allowed me to make new friends. If something similar were to happen in the future I would trust my instincts and deal with the issue in a reasonable matter, as I believe I did in the past. I hope to not put myself in the same situation in the future, but if the situation did erupt, I would act in a manner that reflects my beliefs.

Okay dude, you have done a fine job for a rough draft- it just needs some polishing. You have answered the question, and you are showing, not telling, who you are. Also I think that they way you presented it shows that you are mature and responsible.

Please do not be offended by my editing- I tend to go a little crazy and really I'm not super good at correcting papers. These are just a few small things that I think make it better with the goal being to convey you as a mature, responsible person who sticks to what they believe in.

Here are my corrections: what I added is in red

Alcohol is an almost unavoidable substance in the present day high school setting.

Is is unavoidable- i'm sure you have been places where alcohol was. Also I think this is a better statement in that it makes you seem like a very strong person that sticks to what you believe in.

It was during my junior year of high school that I began to be left out of almost all of my close friend's weekend activities due to their awareness of my disapproval of underage alcohol consumption. The genesis of our friendship was freshman year when we met as members of the high school soccer team; all five of us becoming newly acquainted with each other. The two years after freshman soccerTry instead: We became inseparable friends and spent every weekend with each other. We also participated in various club activities together. we all became very close, spending weekends at each other's houses, and weekdays partaking in various club activities.

Our friendship was {obsolete} word usage is wrong here. Try 'we were inseparable' or something similar. until the last few weeks of the summer between sophomore and junior year. At this time one of my closest friends began experimenting with alcohol. His new girlfriend insisted he start "living life on the edge."seeing as he will soon be considered an upperclassman,I was disappointed when he decided to listen to her and began partying, smoking, and having sex instead of spending his weekends with his close friends.so he did so . As a result, instead of spending his weekends with his close friends, he went out partying, smoking, and having sex. This lifestyle attracted my other three close friends, leaving me isolated. They were all aware of my disapproval of their activities, yet they attempted to influence me to ruin my body by consuming alcohol at a delicateunder age. They said it was "so much fun, " and "not that big of deal, ",(I don't know if I would use quotes here?) . I attempted to influence them by showing them research on the effects of underage drinking. I could not, however convince them that their activities were not only detrimental to their health, but also illegal.in the end it was me influencing them that it was a big deal, showing them fact sheets about alcohol that prove that what they were doing was not at all worthwhile.Not only were their actions illegal, but they went against everything that I believe in. I did everything I could to influence them not to drink, but to no avail were my actions. Inevitably maybe using 'eventually' is better , I dissociated myself with them, explicitly ending the close friendship that started freshman year.

Although dissociationending my friendship with them was not the resolution I desired, I decided that[font] it was in my best interest. I comforted myself by knowing that if they were easily able to choosechose alcohol over me, I must not have been very important to them as I thought I was. I do believe, however, that I handled the situation appropriately, and that it was right for me to chose:spelling my personal health over my desire to keep my close friends. As my former friends tried something new, so did I. I began running, eventually discovering that it is something that I love to do. Instead of continuing my high school soccer career, I joined the high schoolThis was redundant cross country team,.a decision that I am very glad I made.Looking back I am glad that I focused my attention on cross country as not only did running every day allow me to clear my head and focus on the future instead of the past, it allowed me to make new friends. In addition, I am content to know that if something similar were to happen in the future maybe try, "I would not only trust my instincts, but would also be able to deal with the issue in the same reasonable manner that I have in the past. I would trust my instincts and deal with the issue in a reasonable matter, as I believe I did in the past. While I hope to not be put in a similar situation in the future, I know that I have what it takes to stick up for what I believe in, no matter what the cost.I hope to not put myself in the same situation in the future, but if the situation did erupt, I would act in a manner that reflects my beliefs.

This is an essay with an interesting and personal concept.
I however, did not quite like your narrative in the opening sentences. Its a bit verbose, and could do with some improvement in terms of writing flare. Your grammar also starts off as quite flaky, and that should be worked on.


^I was thinking that perhaps you could remove all of this, and just write something perhaps more direct and effective.
Something like:
'My close friends and I saw a turn in our friendship during the last few weeks of the summer between sophomore and junior year'
^Not the best example. But something along those lines. Something that gets to the point, something that builds drama, something that builds interest and makes your reader think that its worthwhile to read on.

Overall, there can be some tweaks with your writing expression and grammar so that your essay can come off as stronger.
Also, this just came to me. (You dont have to even consider using it, just something that I thought of)
Perhaps you could link how your restraint from alcohol involves determination, commitment and personal strength and that you also find these qualities in your activity of running?

Best of luck