Be ambitious in my dreams and daring in my actions -- Queen's Commerce SE

Hi guys I would really appreciate if you could give some feedback and suggestions on my SEs...

Choose one extracurricular activity or one employment opportunity you have listed on your Personal Statement of Experience. Describe the impact of this experience and the greatest learning outcome for you

After my "unwise" decision to help disabled athletes in Singapore was rejected by my mentor, I had to launch a social entrepreneurship project with myself being the only participant, because nearly everybody considered it a waste of time to work for a poorly-rated organization that received little public attention. After all, it would be extremely hard to persuade customers and sponsors to donate money for a group of people they hardly knew about.

But I was determined to raise funds and public awareness for Singapore Disability Sports Council (SDSC), despite the prediction that my plan was doomed to fail. Through my connections with the student council at secondary school, I managed to collaborate with some art students who helped me with the designs of thousands of postcards. With a brief introduction of SDSC and its missions, these specially designed postcards were sold by volunteers along Singapore's busiest streets. I also reached a deal with Singapore Post, which promised to deliver postcards with words of encouragements to some disabled athletes for free. As a result, almost a hundred of volunteers were mobilized across Singapore and over S$5,000 were raised by the end of the first week. Convinced by my initial success, some of my classmates also decided to join me in organizing a small-sized charitable concert in an attempt to further publicize SDSC. The concert was indeed worth of our two months' effort - it raised S$3,000 and attracted hundreds of audience who then gained a better understanding of the plights of disabled athletes.

Besides harvesting leadership and interactive skills, I also became more determined in pursuing my goals, as every idea was definitely worth trying, no matter how unrealistic it might appear at the start. Such experience also taught me to be ambitious in my dreams and daring in my actions, skills that I deemed essential in becoming a successful entrepreneur in the future.

!! I was not sure what IMPACT OF THE EXPERIENCE in the prompt meant..So I interpreted it as 1) the impact achieved through my experience of leading a social entrepreneurship project ON THE COMMUNITY 2) And the impact of such an experience ON ME.

Enjoy reading and I would also try my best to comment your essays if you wish!! :)

Hello :) I do believe you correctly interpreted the prompt question.

After my "unwise" decision to help disabled athletes in Singapore was rejected by my mentor, I had to launch a social entrepreneurship project with myself being the only participant, because nearly everybody considered it a waste of time to work for a poorly-rated organization that received little public attention.

I do like how you get "right to the point" but you seem to be rushing right into it. I'd like to know which grade you were in when you undertook this project. Also, this introductory sentence is far too long. However, this does show your persistence and determination- both qualities that the college wants to see in a student :)

After all, it would be extremely hard to persuade customers and sponsors to donate money for a group of people they hardly knew about.
You probably shouldn't end this sentence with "about"

But I was determined to raise funds and public awareness for Singapore Disability Sports Council (SDSC), despite the prediction that my plan was doomed to fail.

This makes me wonder why it was predicted to fail, was it because your mentor told you so?

Through my connections with the student council at secondary school, I managed to collaborate with some art students who helped me with the designs of thousands of postcards.

I recommend changing this sentence to: My student council associates connected me to art students, who collaborated with me to design thousands of cards. This shows how resourceful you are, and that you are great at networking.

With a brief introduction of SDSC and its missions, these specially designed postcards were sold by volunteers along Singapore's busiest streets.
If you manage to cut anything out of your essay, it might be helpful to add in a description of how you obtained volunteers to do this.

Besides harvesting leadership and interactive skills, I also became more determined in pursuing my goals, as every idea was definitely worth trying, no matter how unrealistic it might appear at the start.

This sentence is too wordy. I'd simplify, remove "harvesting leadership..." because you are stating the obvious. Be very clear and straightforward about exactly what you did and how it affected you.

Such experience also taught me to be ambitious in my dreams and daring in my actions, skills that I deemed essential in becoming a successful entrepreneur in the future.

Try something like this: I have now learned the skills required of an entrepreneur, and my experiences have raised my ambition to succeed.

Hi Jennifer, I appreciate your suggestions very much!:）
The thing is that I find it hard to describe the project with more details due to the word limit, and I thought the prompt question required me to focus more on the impact rather than the process... Right now I am a bit desperate in trying to cut something out of my essay haha.

Would you mind taking a look at my essay again after my correction??