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"America's Best Colleges" guide - UCF Admissions Essay Help?


shannyn92 1 / 4  
Sep 4, 2009   #1
Hi there, I'm not sure if this is too short or not. I know that I have to do two essays and combined they cant be more than 500 words or 7000 characters so yeah. Criticism is encouraged!!

I vividly remember the day I picked up U.S. News & World Report's 2010 "America's Best Colleges" guide. Browsing through it I saw various articles Top Ivy League Schools, Best Medical Programs, Largest Campus', etc. The article that really interested me, however, was the one titled "Top 5 National Universities To Watch". I was interested in reading about schools that may not be nationally known yet, but have the potential to become a school people would talk about. University of Central Florida was the first to catch my eye. "A Florida school?" I thought to myself, having previously read mostly about New York or California schools. I read on, and after online research and a visit to the campus, my mind was made up - UCF was the school for me. In addition to being a great up-and-coming school, UCF has the ideal location for my major. There is quite possibly no place better to hone my hospitality knowledge than a city that is the home of huge attractions such as Disney World and Universal Studios. The central location of the University of Central Florida is also ideal for work when I graduate from college, due to the copious (amount of) hotels and resorts resided around the University. Aside from academic reasons, UCF is a relatively new and beautiful campus with what seems like a lot of potential to become a top notch school.

also, the (amount of) thats parenthesized is because I dont know whether or not its copious hotels or copious amount of hotels
Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Sep 4, 2009   #2
Aside from academic reasons, UCF is a relatively new and beautiful campus with what seems like a lot of potential to become a top notch school.

So what if it doesn't become a top-notch school in general?

I vividly remember the day I picked up U.S. .

This has nothing to do with why you want to go to UCF. This only shows how you discovered UCF, which is pretty much a waste of space.

What is the prompt?
To tell you the truth, I really dislike this approach.

I was interested in reading about schools that may not be nationally known yet, but have the potential to become a school people would talk about.

What do you mean by "nationally known"? We have seen many UCF essays on this website this summer. I would say that UCF is very well known.

There is quite possibly no place better to hone my hospitality knowledge than a city that is the home of huge attractions such as Disney World and Universal Studios.

There are better places.
OP shannyn92 1 / 4  
Sep 4, 2009   #3
Wow, I'm really shocked at the rude aspect of your approach.
Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Sep 4, 2009   #4
I do not think that I was being rude. I was merely pointing out things that I did not like about your essay. It would be rude if I told you that your essay sucked and that you should go cry in shame.

Edit: I just don't like your approach. Nothing rude about it.
tal105 7 / 130  
Sep 4, 2009   #5
come at it at a better angle please. (i thought it was inadvertantly rude. u didnt think it was but it was.) like llama said, MANY people have written about this school so it it well known and florida does have a lot of good schools so dont say "a flordia school?" that actually shouldnt be a surrpise. one of the nots in a college essay is putting something WAYYY down to show how great the revalation is/was and that is EXACTLY what you did.

edit: consider a rewrtie from a different angle in my opinion.

good luck!
christiek 6 / 65  
Sep 4, 2009   #6
hmmm, whats the prompt?

Criticism is encouraged!!

all llamapoop123 was doing was critiquing your essay.

-there really is nothing rude about what he said in my opinion.
you want other people's opinions for your essay.
Its your choice to carry it out or not.

There is quite possibly no place better to hone my hospitality knowledge than a city that is the home of huge attractions such as Disney World and Universal Studios.

i think this should be taken out.

well, good luck!!
Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Sep 4, 2009   #7
Anyway, shannyn92 we don't want to put you down. Quite frankly everyone who posts on essayforum.com should be thanked because they are what keeps this site up and running. We sincerely want to help you with your essay. This site would be useless if everybody who posted here wrote a perfect essay. We don't want to insult it to show how superior we are (I'm can't write much better than you anyway).
OP shannyn92 1 / 4  
Sep 4, 2009   #8
Thank you tal, I appreciate your response. The thing is I'm very confused on the feedback I've been getting. I just gave it to my English teacher and she said she loved it and liked the approach, etc. I posted it on here and I get pretty much the complete opposite. I hope you can understand my confusion and frustration.
christiek 6 / 65  
Sep 4, 2009   #9
-

I posted it on here and I get pretty much the complete opposite. I hope you can understand my confusion and frustration.

hmmm, i can understand that.
well only three people responded to this so far, so you can wait an see :))

what part about this essay did your english teacher like exactly? i dont know if that makes a difference but still...haha

and whats the prompt!!??
OP shannyn92 1 / 4  
Sep 4, 2009   #10
The prompt is to describe why you want to attend ucf and she liked how I started in specifically and thought adding the hospitality thing about Disney was a good idea haha. I wasn't exaggerating when I said exact opposite :-P
Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Sep 4, 2009   #11
she liked how I started in specifically

Hmmm. The first part of your essay would be fine if it lead up to something that answered the prompt. The second part of your essay is valid but the first part only talks about how you discovered UCF, which has nothing to do with the second part or the prompt.
tal105 7 / 130  
Sep 4, 2009   #12
no offense to your english teacher at all, buttttt i mean maybe shes overwhelmed. i would say on this issue, not that she doesnt know hwat shes talking about, but shes not giving you thorough feedback. honestly its good to put yourself in the admissions ple place. i know it sounds bad to constantly think about them but thats the way of the world. they dont wanna hear that you think thought their school was at the bottom and all that stuff. i actually think the approach isnt strong.

im not an english teacher, but i think some offense will be taken by admissions ple if you go about it this way. get 2nd and 5th and 6th opinions. this site is winning since we mostly feel the same way. id sayy dont completely listen to ur teacher then. lol :)
Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Sep 4, 2009   #13
This is off topic but..."frankie"?
catalyst0435 3 / 31  
Sep 4, 2009   #14
Your teacher told you it was a great essay. Then you posted the essay on these forums, presumably to get more opinions. If the goal was to get more opinions, then you should be prepared to get some criticism from other people; otherwise, why post an already lauded essay?

At any rate, the prompt is to explain why you want to go to UCF. I feel that you've listed three weak reasons: you read it in a magazine article, you visited the campus, and Disneyland.

If you would talk more about the things you like about UCF you saw on your campus tour, or something specific they offer the student body, you could have a better essay.

Oh, and in general, while I haven't been here long, I've seen that criticism on this board can be hard or jolting, but it's almost always really good, and if you can get over the initial blow to your pride, the advice offered is some of the most useful stuff you'll find.
OP shannyn92 1 / 4  
Sep 4, 2009   #15
Does anyone have any feedback then on what I could possibly right about? I've been trying to find more information on the rosen hospitality campus since that's the major I want to go to but the website kind of just talks about the admissions process versus what they offer.
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Sep 4, 2009   #16
UCF has the ideal location for my major.

What major? Why don't you say? This essay could have been written by any applicant. You need it to reflect you personally.


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