"About being American" - UC Essay Prompt #1.

Describe the World you come from-for example your family community or school,and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

I'm having quite alot of trouble trying to write about something that is personal so i have a very rough draft of the general idea i am trying to point out . what can i do to make this more personal? and also could you guys give me ideas of what sort of a theme i should write about? thx

Essay:

For the longest time, I could not help but think of myself as an alien. I was from a foreign country and everything about me seemed different than everyone else. From my skin color to my black hair, I felt like a puzzle piece that had no place to fit. Maybe it was just me who thought this but ever since I moved from Korea to the United States, I had a hard time assimilating into American culture.

I often pondered and questioned why my parents would want to come to a place where they became a minority. It was hard for them to communicate with people as they spoke little English and it seemed as if life only got harder for them. Even through these obstacles, I grew up seeing our family move into a nice home, purchasing nice cars, and living a good life. I came to realize that America provided opportunity to anyone who was willing to work hard, which was why my parents decided to come here.

For myself, who once lacked ethnic identity, I realized that being American was not being white or being native to the land. No matter what ethnic background we are from, we all once had to start somewhere and make our way up. The entire process of trying to assimilate into the mainstream of American social and economic culture is what makes anyone an American. From working hard, to raising a family, and buying a house, this is the goal of all people who come to this country. America would not be America if it did not provide such opportunities for anyone to come and live a good life. My parents sacrificed living in their home country with their friends and family to open up new doors for me and create opportunities that I would not have otherwise. When my eyes opened to this fact, I became motivated and it became my goal to use those opportunities to make the most of myself.

Since my arrival into the United State s, I could not help but think of myself as an alien. I was from a foreign country and everything about me seemed different than everyone else. From my skin color to my black hair, I felt like a puzzle piece that had no place to fit. Maybe it was just me who thought this but ever since I moved from Korea to the United States, I had a hard time assimilating into American culture.

I often pondered and questioned why my parents would want to come to a place where they became a minority. It was hard for them to communicate with people for they spoke little English and it seemed as if life only got harder for them. Even through these obstacles, I grew up seeing our family move into a nice home, purchasing nice cars, and living a good life. I came to realize that America provided opportunity to anyone who was willing to work hard, which was why my parents decided to come here.

For myself, who once lacked ethnic identity, I realized that being American was not being white or being native to the land. No matter what ethnic background we are from, we all once had to start somewhere and make our way up. The entire process of trying to assimilate into the mainstream of American social and economic culture is what makes anyone an American. From working hard, to raising a family, and buying a house, this is the goal of all people who come to this country. America would not be America if it did not provide such opportunities for anyone to come and live a good life. My parents sacrificed living in their home country with their friends and family to open up new doors for me and create opportunities that I would not have otherwise. When my eyes opened to this fact, I became motivated and it became my goal to use those opportunities to make the most of myself.

VERY WELL DONE!

This feels unfinished. We hear about your initial reactions to moving to the United States, and we hear about why you have changed your attitude. But we don't learn very much about you as an individual or your parents as unique people; other than a vague sense of determination to succeed, we don't learn anything about your aspirations.

You don't need to spend so much time expanding and elaborating on the American Dream. Cut some of that to make room to tell us more about yourself.

Hmm. thanks lesleigh101.
and @Simone : Should I talked about some experience or story ? cause yeah i knew it lacked information about me. like a racial experience or something about my parents?.

For the longest time, I could not help but think of myself as an alien. I was from a foreign country and everything about me seemed different than everyone else. From my skin color to my black hair, I felt like a puzzle piece that had no place to fit. Maybe it was just me who thought this but ever since I moved from Korea to the United States, I had a hard time assimilating into American culture.

I often pondered and questioned why my parents would want to come to a place where they became a minority. It was hard for them to communicate with people as they spoke little English and it seemed as if life only got harder for them. Even through these obstacles, I grew up seeing our family move into a nice home, purchase good cars, and live a good life. I came to realize that America provided opportunity to anyone who was willing to work hard, which was why my parents decided to come here.

---- I'd say great epiphany/conclusion at the end, but your story needs more details to reinforce it. Try thinking of a personal experience you can write about to help the reader see what made it so tough to get used to America.

thxx for all the advice guys. im currently make my second draft.

Hakyo,

You tell us about the world you come from, it is a hardship story. They want to hear that despite these differences and culture shock, you overcame these obstacles and pursued your dreams. tell them more about yourself, remember this is a personal statement. Focus more on a particular obstacle and how you overcame it, and tell how it made you stronger and shaped your dreams and aspirations.

ooo. i kinda rewrote it but i shud add more personal examples of my obstacles? so i shud shorten the end? but is the ending ideas a good start?

yeah i think the ending ideas are a good start (you basically got the idea down).. but the problem is that ur just making a statement.. try to support that statement with a particular personal experience...so that the admission officers will understand what you have gone through

btw, i just joined essayforum today! :D