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American bubble - great education, continuous electricity, expansive neighborhoods, and poverty free



TheJainMan 2 / 4  
Dec 28, 2014   #1
This is my first time ever writing these kinds of essay, so assistance will be taken with the greatest gratitude.

What is your aspiration? What are some specific ways in which you are thinking of accomplishing that goal? (Essay must be only one page)
I live in the "American" bubble - great education, continuous electricity, expansive neighborhoods, and poverty free. But, when bursting the bubble, I have frequently seen the horrors of malnourishment, penury, and filth - domestically (East Columbus) and internationally (India). It is human nature to banish something frightening, and so I have made it a goal in my life to take advantage of my opportunities and return the dividends back to those who need it.

When I went to India in 2012, I bought a pizza that tasted awful for my American-developed taste. I was about to throw it away, until a little 6-year old girl in tattered clothes came with a little baby (I presume it was her sister) and asked for the food. I gave it to her, and the tears of joy streaming from her eyes were penetrating. She then promptly defecated in the corner of the street. That situation opened my eyes: I witnessed people - adults, children, babies - who had no food, no sense of hygiene, and I realized there needs to be a change.

Science interests me greatly, and that's the general path I plan to take to achieve my aspiration. Recently, researchers have come up with the microbial fuel cell: a sanitation device that can convert human waste into electricity, which can alleviate the harsh consequences from the lack of sanitation while also providing a clean source of electricity, an essential in this generation for the economy; this can then also ameliorate the problems of poverty, such as hunger.

These fuel cells, however, are still in the prototype phase and are not at the level at which they can be. I aspire to perfect these fuel cells with the right tools and people, and with the help of top organizations such as the UN, EU, and national government, distribute it across the world.

I, with my fellow teammates, presented this idea to the Ohio Model UN - the largest in the nation - to over 2,000 people, and were met the highest approval rating in the duration of the entire convention. Obviously, this doesn't mean that microbial fuel cells will be automatically perfected, but it does show that there are people who share the vision my team and I saw. Someone just needs to take the initiative. I want to be that person.

In the short-term, I want to get into an institution that will get me as close to my goal as possible, with the highest on the list being the Jerome Fisher School at the University of Pennsylvania. Schools like Jerome Fisher combine Management and Technology together, a blend that suits me perfectly for my aspirations. The connections and knowledge one can acquire in college is extremely beneficial, and that will no doubt help me in reaching my goal.

From there on out, I want to gain experience in the energy sector, which in many eyes, is the industry that is going to greatly expand in the next twenty years to meet the needs of renewable energy systems. Furthermore, with experience in top energy companies, I can see what ideas to bring forth to my company, and what aspects to change.

This leads me to my long-term goal: a successful company in the energy sector that specializes in revolutionizing technology, such as the microbial fuel cell. When combined with the expertise of the UN, EU, and national governments, the project will improve the well-being of people across the world by improving the quality of the water supply, reducing pollution and contamination, improving access to basic sanitation, and providing a reliable, renewable, and sustainable source of electricity.

vangiespen - / 4077  
Dec 28, 2014   #2
Ilesh, the essay properly answers the prompt and depicts the strong reasons behind your desire to pursue this particular degree. The fact that you have both your long and short term career goals clearly thought out and developed tells the admissions officer that you are a student who does not mean to just have fun in college, you totally plan on preparing for your future as an innovator and contributor to the betterment of society on a world wide basis.If there is something lacking in your essay, it is the development of the portion about the child defecating in the street. I would like you to explain how that particular scene burned into your mind and how seeing that child reminded you of the research about converting feces to energy. It is a connecting paragraph that lays the foundation for your desire to enroll in this field and conduct research relevant to the development of that technology. It is the driving force behind your ambition and goals and must be completely developed to make it highly relevant to the essay. Doing so will better prepare the essay for use in your application :-)
OP TheJainMan 2 / 4  
Dec 28, 2014   #3
Thanks a lot Louis for the feedback! I see what you mean with the connecting paragraph, but unfortunately, I am already at the one-page limit. Is there any area that you see that I can condense/remove to have enough space for the connector.

Also, it may be helpful to have context to what I am applying too. I am a HSer applying to a selective summer business program at UPenn called Endevvr which allows students to have real-life experience in the world of entrepreneurship (making a company, pitching to actual investors, etc.) Do you think it may be beneficial to refer to Endevvr itself in the essay, or is that unnecessary?
vangiespen - / 4077  
Dec 29, 2014   #4
Endevvr sounds like a total disconnect from the scientific aspect of the essay that you already established. The essay that you wrote is more scientific leaning while Endevvr is more about business development. It might not be a good idea to mention it at this point as it will muddle the discussion. I can however, encourage you to write a secondary essay that establishes the importance of Endevvr and how it affected your aspirations in life and why it can help you achieve your academic goal. Who knows, it might end up being a better prompt response than the one you currently have. As for the current essay, you can cut out your short term goals paragraph because the project you are looking into is definitely long term and should be discussed as such. Use the freed up words to develop my content suggestions.


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