Hello everyone, I am drafting an essay for undergraduate admission to Rutgers University and I've just completed my first of such drafts. I would like help with the revision of my work, just to make sure that I am efficiently punctual and grammatically correct. Also I would greatly appreciate an overall opinion of my essay. I want to make sure what I've written is good enough. One purposeful omission was indentations as I have been composing on my phone for reasons of portability. Thank you very much in advance!!!
Essay Prompt: Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences. Only personal essays submitted via our website will be considered. You may enter a maximum of 3800 characters including spaces.
Diversity, a word applicable to so many areas of our physical and abstract world, almost always is created from the need to succeed. To hold this to be true we need not look any further than what Darwinism has taught us or the union of states we call America or even the communities of people that congregate and interact in forums out in cyberspace all around us. Rutgers University is home to such diversity, a framework for growth and success. From this institution, steeped in renowned academia and bearer of such diverse population, I believe that I can profit immensely whilst also contributing to the wonderful milieu of Rutgers University.
I come from a Guyanese-American background. A background that has exposed me to many exotic foods, pleasurably sweet and deliciously spicy to vibrant music that can tell tales of any mold, from stories of scandal to stories of love saccharine to the ear. I have been to Guyana twice in my life and have been witness to its wide open fields, its variance of wildlife and it's mixture of peoples. Though, even more than a link to such lush landscapes or flavorful delicacies or any number of wonderful tune my heritage has bestowed upon me, it has given me value. I have learned to value the things I can claim ownership of and to value the relationships that have been forged between myself and others. The culture of my forefathers has afforded me a particular uniqueness amongst my peers that I am grateful for and always eager to share.
In addition to my own heritage, other aspects of myself I believe that I can contribute to a University such as Rutgers are lessons from my own experiences as an individual and the person that I am today, very much a compilation of those individual experiences if you may. I was born, and was raised, in the Brooklyn borough of New York City. This granted me the opportunity to become exposed to the melding of communities, cultures and religions that take place in many big cities. Later in life I have been able to participate in events to give back to my hometown such as blood drives and park clean-up volunteer services in order to keep our public areas clean. Currently, I am a supervisor at Starbucks Coffee Company and have held the position for more than two years. This position has enabled me to further build and refine my leadership qualities as I have responsibility for individuals other than myself and I am also tasked with running the business in upper-managements stead.
For me, Rutgers University presents an opportunity to forge a legacy for myself and my family. If I were to attend, and earn a degree from, Rutgers I would be the first college graduate of my immediate family. This opportunity would be tremendous in my eyes, if not simply for the statement it would make for my family then for the positive implications my potential success would have upon my descendants. In addition to the academic benefits of attending Rutgers University, I also stand to learn a great deal about many other types of people and cultures purely based off interaction with my peers. This is an exciting prospect for me as I know how deeply ones culture can go. I am also excited to meet the many different types of people that attend and facilitate learning at Rutgers University. This social interaction will help me to further my grasp and understanding of how we integrate as a diverse society and heighten my appreciation of such diversity.
With a population bristling with unique individuals, deep learning resources and a world class faculty that has so consistently produced world class individuals I would be honored to attend this institution. I know that there is so much that I can learn in such an environment and I know I have as much that I can contribute. I have no doubt that I would be more than adequately prepared for the larger world around me through achieving higher learning at Rutgers University.
The last sentence of your first paragraph is written beautifully, but it is not specific enough. Well, actually it is fine, and that whole intro is brilliant, but I still wish you would add a sentences or phrase that will somehow give the reader a theme to associate with your plan, what you are doing with your education. At the end of that intro, the reader sees how well you write, but it will be even better if it also indicates what you are all about. So, try to include some mention of your specific interests so that the reader can "know" you.
I come from a Guyanese-American background. -----This sentence is very short, and it does not support the paragraph. The paragraph topic sentence should express the main idea of the paragraph. That is not always necessarily true, but in this case it will be good. Try lengthening this sentence so that it sums up the idea discussed in the paragraph.
No commas here: If I were to attend and earn a degree from Rutgers I would be ...
I have no doubt that I would be more than adequately prepared for the larger world around me through achieving higher learning at Rutgers University.---Again, at the end here, it is beautifully written but vague. I want every vague reference to be transformed into a reference to a specific goal or ideal that you are "all about." What is your mission in life? The reader wants to know. :-)
Thank you very much for the great feedback Kevin. I will implement these changes immediately, I just have one concern. I would love to add the details that you've suggested, I think that it's a great idea, but I am already well past the 3800 character limit for this essay. Do you have any suggestions on areas where I could trim the 'fat'?
I think the part that should be condensed is the culture part. It is great, but I think it is the most dispensable part. for example, anyone could write this:
I have learned to value the things I can claim ownership of and to value the relationships that have been forged between myself and others. It is vague.
I really like this sentence, though: The culture of my forefathers has afforded me a particular uniqueness amongst my peers that I am grateful for and always eager to share. ----Keep the great sentences, and cut the ones that do not provide so much experience for the reader.