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'I would never do another pageant' - univer. of michigan--setback youve faced ESSAY


tal105 7 / 130  
Jul 27, 2009   #1
A] Describe a setback that you have faced.How
did you resolve it? How did the outcome affect
you? If something similar happened in the
future, how would you react?

if you dont mind, please give me some feedback.
its a rough draft and i havent completely worked out all the grammar mistakes but i think its okay.
help?

----->title suggestions? (only if there rlyyyyy good. i usu like to come up with my own ) <-----
thanks again!!

My friends think I'm going to be Miss America someday. It's probably because every year since the age of six I've dedicated my time to pageantsïthey're my thing. They've brought my family closer together since we're able to travel together, broken me out of my shy girl cocoon, helping me blossom into a social butterfly, and given me a love for them I can barely put into words. Also the friends and people I've met along the wayïpriceless.

But despite the benefits, throughout the years I haven't always won. In fact, it started to seem as if my losses were outweighing my wins. I was constantly a runner-up. As a result, one year I questioned my love for pageants, maybe they weren't for me.

It felt strange to question my love for something I had been doing for so long; I even got that funny feeling in the pit of my stomach. Since it didn't feel right, that year I competed again. I figured the feeling would pass. The feeling was deepened as I remained a runner-up.

Disappointed yet angry I told my mom and sister I would never do another pageant. They told me I was being selfish since pageants have become a family event, something we anticipate every year. My sister than told me, I didn't deserve to win that year anyway since I didn't perform my best. I didn't understand.

To help me understand she ordered the DVD from that year's pageant. After watching it that's when it came to me. A setback is defined as anything that delays progress. It came to me that over the years, my setback wasïmyself. After watching phases of competition I saw that I stumbled either on my speech, or in my dress, not the best thing for a potential queen. The winner however, was focused and flawless. Now that I saw my problem, I was definitely going back.

That next year I came back even stronger. That next year I had a positive yet competitive attitude. That next year I didn't stumble. That next year I won. The victory was sweeter than ever. I was crazy to ever utter those words: I would never do another pageant. Pageants are my passion, which means every loss that I have is an opportunity to learn from and every win is the result of dedication, motivation, and belief that a winner never quits and a quitter never wins.
lyndavan /  
Aug 1, 2009   #2
I'll bold my comments.

1. I think i have a title!! :
---> Sometimes say never what do u think? too stupid? It is not stupid, it just does not go with your essay

2. My friends think I'm going to be Miss America someday.

^^^ the only reason i didnt start it off as a quote is b.c. i notice a lot of ple start essays off with other ples words as quotes. i dont care, but i feel i want to keep it a little origncal at least.

Good reason to not use a quote. However, the first sentence does not set the proper mood or tone of the essay.

3. It's because every year since the age of six I've dedicated my time to pageants. The thrill of getting ready, countless hours of practice, and perfecting my original "award winning smile" all for those quick moments alone in the spotlight.

^^what do u guys think?
Young girls, generally, imitate beauty pageants, dreaming that it may become part of their life. However, I do not have this dream. It is a part of my life. I remember the thrill of getting ready, spending countless hour working on my talent piece, picking out dresses and learning to have that award winning smile. The pageants have truly brought my family together. They have developed me into the person I want to be by helping me to break out of my shy girl cocoon, helping me to blossom into the social butterfly that I have always wanted to be and given me a love and passion that I can barely put into words.

Which takes care of 2, 3, and 4.


4. They've brought my family closer together since we're able to travel together, helped me blossom into a social butterfly, and given me a love for them I can barely put into words. Also the friends and people I've met along the way-priceless.

^^if this is RLY horrible, then ill change it, but i like it. its rly how i feel.

Last sentence does not correspond with the rest of the essay, or benefit you in any way, unless you were to explain of the people you have meant. However, in doing so, it would change the whole topic of your essay.

But despite the benefits, throughout the years I haven't always won. In fact, it started to seem as if my losses were outweighing my wins. I was constantly a runner-up. As a result, one year I questioned my love for pageants, maybe they weren't for me.

^^ i was trying to have some style and contrast my longer paragraphs with shorter ones. the essay cant exceed 500 words.

But despite the benefits, throughout the years I have not always won. In fact, it started to seem as if my losses were outweighing my wins. I was constantly a runner-up. Soon I began to questioned my love for pageants. Then have a question. In the next paragraph you explain further more, so it would be alright. However, in the end state the answer. Make sense? However, be sure the question correspon with the nex paragraph.

Leaving it short is alright, because it does sent a tone in doing so.
I replaced the transition, "as a result", because it made the paragraph choppy. I, also, removed "one year", because it is and obvious and un-needed detail.


It felt strange to question my love for something I had been doing for so long; I even got that funny feeling in the pit of my stomach.

^^^ haha, no no no, i felt funny about questioning my love for pageantss, not funny about doing the pageant. suggestions on how i can write the essay and clarify this? i thought it was clarified but i guess not? help?

Since I felt a certain loyalty to pageants, that year I competed again. I thought for sure I would win because I looked good. I made it to the top twenty and when the emcee was about to announce the top four runners up and the queen, i was hopeful. "Fourth runner up is..." said the emcee, and I smiled harder because it wasn't me. I was closer than ever..."Third runner up"...that wasn't me either. I could almost taste it. "Second-runner up is..." That was me.

No, I do not like the sound of that. I was confuse. It felt strange to question my love for something I had been doing for so long. However, I assumed it would pass. It did not, as I remained runner-up.

Disappointed and angry I told my mom and sister I would never do another pageant. I told them each year I try and i remain a runner up; maybe pageants were not for me. They told me I was being selfish, since pageants have become a family event, something we anticipate every year. My sister told me, I did not deserve to win that year anyway since I did not perform my best. I had not understand.

To help me understand she ordered the DVD from that year's pageant.

^^in the previous pageant i said my sister. than i continued here and used the pronoun. i didn't think i had to say my sister again. do i? let me know!

I changed it a little, on the connatations and a comma, it's good witht eh second"sister."

After watching it that's when it came to me. A setback is defined as anything that delays progress. It came to me that over the years, my setback was-myself. After watching phases of competition I saw that I stumbled either on my speech, or in my dress, not the best thing for a potential queen. The winner however, was focused and flawless. Now that I saw my problem, I was definitely going back.

That next year I came back even stronger. That next year I had a positive yet competitive attitude. That next year I didn't stumble. That next year I won. The victory was sweeter than ever. I was crazy to ever utter those words: I would never do another pageant. Pageants are my passion, which means just because I lose doesn't mean I give up. Every loss I have is an opportunity to learn from and every win is the result of dedication, motivation, and belief that a winner never quits and a quitter never wins.

^^ i thought i told i was a better person b.c. i came back. that was my whole goal of the essay. to show i said i wouldnt come back but i came back or somehting along those lines lol.

REMEMBER 500 or -!!! :) so editing is nice!!

The next year, I came back even stronger;The next year, I had a positive attitude;The next year, I didn't stumble;The next year, I won. The victory was sweeter than ever. I was crazy to ever utter those words: "I would never do another pageant." Pageants are my passion, which means just because I lose doesn't mean I give up. Every loss I have is an opportunity to learn from and every win is the result of dedication, motivation, and belief that a winner never quits and a quitter never wins.

I took out "Pageants are my passion, which means just because I lose doesn't mean I give up." because it is obvious AND does not benefit your essay, as you are to repeat to not give up later on.

"That next year" is awkward within the sentence, Therefore, I replaced it with "the".
and I took out "yet competitve attitude", because you were going with a quick and concise format, and then that pops up, ruining the tone you had set.

other than that I believe it is good.
OP tal105 7 / 130  
Aug 1, 2009   #3
lyndavan, thank you VERY much.
this is what ive been waiting for lol. those final comments on my last editing lol.

i really appreciate it!! and yea i see what u mean about the question thing!!
i dont think i will have to post again. im all set now.
GRACIAS!!
lyndavan /  
Aug 1, 2009   #4
You're welcome! :) I am glad I have helped and I hope you get in. It was a very inspiring essay.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Aug 1, 2009   #5
The essay seems solid. You've got an obstacle, a story about how you overcame it, and what you learned from the experience. This part seems a bit wordy, though:

"After watching it that's when it came to me. A setback is defined as anything that delays progress. It came to me that over the years, my setback was-myself." You could probably delete most or all of this, if you need to shorten the essay a bit.
OP tal105 7 / 130  
Aug 1, 2009   #6
o okay. yeaa, i thought it seemed a little awkward too to be honest. i kept playing with it but then i just left space for it on the paper.

i think ill keep trying some things, maybe start off with the setback part or somethingg. idk. i mean i guess the reaader will know a setback is something that delays progress right?
OP tal105 7 / 130  
Aug 2, 2009   #7
O! and lyndavan!!
i meant to tell you, i liked your openingg. :) i used it :p
thanks again everyone for suggestions!!
lyndavan /  
Aug 3, 2009   #8
Oh yays, I am so happy! I am so glad I can help.
Did you picked out a title yet?
Deadpool013 2 / 3  
Aug 3, 2009   #9
I think it's a good overall essay. Great subject considering it's something you love. The ending, with all the...That Year;That year;That year was a little overused, though I understand the effect you were trying to make placing those. Also, the "quitter never wins" ending is a bit cliche, if you were going a lot towards "original." You could switch that up. But otherwise great job...


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