Hi, I'm new to this forum, so I was wondering if someone could help me edit this and with the word count? It's about 359 and the word count is 250. It's for Virginia Tech
Also, do you think I could use this essay for the George Mason application? It just says that:
"If applicants would like to share something about themselves, we welcome them to submit an OPTIONAL essay/personal statement with their application in the space provided. Essays should be limited to no more than 250 words."
So would it be?
Thank you for any feedback!!
Virginia Tech Supplement:
Confucius once said, "Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." Discuss one of your most significant failures and how you rose above it.
Words flooded in my mind as gasps were released in each breath. I wanted to say something. I wanted to stand up for what was right. But my 8th grade, socially awkward self would not allow for a word to utter out of me. Instead, I was tortured to listen to the girl's soft cries, as each of them struck me with guilt. Bullying was normal in middle school, and sadly, I was one of the bystanders that decided that my safety was better than getting involved.
It started out as a usually day in my 3rd period Algebra class; the teacher had assigned us work to do during the end of the period, and I, being the teacher's pet I was, furiously worked hard to achieve my goal of reaching my 5th A in a row. As I began working, I saw through the corner of my eyes, two girls approach one of my friends with a sly grin on their faces. They proceeded to snatch her work right out of her hand and say "unless you want trouble, I suggest you give this to us". She looked at them surprisingly, and proceeded to protest until one of them began bombarding her with insults based on the way she looked. Her eyes began to shine as tears welled up in them. She let go of her work and let the bullies win. What I'll never forget is the look she gave me, as she saw that I had not stood up for her. It will forever stain my mind.
After that day, I learned that the educational videos schools show about bullying is no joke. Everyone needs to stand up for others; it's just the right thing to do. This experience inspired me to create the Anti-Bullying Club in my school, in order to go out to elementary schools and teach them the consequences of bullying and techniques that is important for them to learn if they are in a situation. I don't want anyone to face the terrible guilt I felt on that very day. And if it's within my power to prevent this, I surely will.
Spell out numbers and do not use contractions. I know it increases word count, but you don't want to be too informal.
How did you learn? Talking and having a club is one thing, actually acting on your advice is another. Did you ever apologize to your friend? Did you confront the bullies? Did you report them to the teacher? You gave a nice summary/story about what happened (paragraph 1 and 2) but a very short paragraph about what you learned/did. You might want to expand on that a bit more?
If you show what you learned from this, it'll be fine for the other university too.
btw, can you like my comment? Thanks.
The last paragraph is the beginning of your answer, you just spent the first two describing the event that lead to your failure.
How did you rise above it? You formed an anti-bullying club, and that's it? Have you ever stood up to a bully yourself later on, as a by-stander? When you were put into the same position, did you act differently?
