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"An antisocial student" - Rutgers Admission Essay



KevinS 1 / 1  
Nov 9, 2008   #1
Essay: Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences. Only personal essays submitted via our website will be considered. You may enter a maximum of 3800 characters including spaces.

My Essay Begins Below

I wouldn't say I was an antisocial student, but I sure was a shy one and public speaking was my greatest fear. One day in my English class, we were doing a unit on poetry and had the opportunity to participate in a nation wide event called Poetry Out Loud. I didn't expect to beat all the other students in my class, but as I recited "On Quitting" by Edgar Albert Guest, I left my teacher and peers in awe as well as myself. The weeks went by quickly and it was February already. This was the time winners from English classes performed in front of the whole school. "Terrified" wouldn't even begin to describe how I felt.

I gazed at the horde of contestants, all of different races, religions, and experiences with the same goal in mind; win first place. I was the last contestant to perform on both rounds which only exacerbated my apprehension, but something happened to me when I went to recite my poems. I opened my mouth and enunciated, placed emphasis on words, applied dramatic pauses, spoke with my body, and enthralled the audience. Loud thunder and echo of applause reverberated in the room. I was immersed in a diverse community of poets and the experience changed me as a person. I was no longer afraid of public speaking and grew to love spoken world poetry. I also express myself through music by writing songs.

How would I benefit from and contribute to the Rutgers community? I feel that Rutgers can do that to me but on a grander scale. For most of my life, I have been immersed in the Laotian community and culture. That alone limits my knowledge and makes me oblivious and ignorant to other cultures around me. I feel a community as diverse as Rutgers will help open my eyes to new people, cultures, and experiences I have not had the liberty to be a part of yet.

As I stated previously, I was raised and immersed in the Laotian community. Values and lessons I learned from the culture molded me into the person I am today. I would like to share and spread these lessons to others around me. In my culture, we have this thing called "face". Face is basically defined as a reputation you built for yourself. It is of paramount importance to maintain face in my culture and making someone lose face is looked down upon. For that reason, we never embarrass someone in public and are even kind to those we abhor. If more people adopted this principle, there would be less conflict amongst the students on campus.

I believe that Rutgers can also aid me in my journey to becoming an electrical/computer engineer. The opportunities offered such as the engineering co-op can benefit me greatly by providing me with the hands-on experience I need that would facilitate me in obtaining jobs in the future. Through these opportunities, I can graduate and help the world in its technological advancements; a direction it is heading towards and dependent on in the future.

The Rutgers community would influence me in myriad ways. I can learn from it and it can learn from me. The opportunities and experience it provides can get me where I want to be in life. An old Chinese proverb said "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." I wish to take my first at Rutgers.

I apologize for the length. Feel free to butcher or demolish it because I really need it.

EF_Team5 - / 1583  
Nov 10, 2008   #2
Good afternoon :)

Since you did not describe what kind of specific assistance you were looking for, I have made some general comments.

Avoid using contractions in formal academic writing. When you use quotation marks make sure your punctuation is enclosed inside the marks. For example, "face". should be "face." Also, make sure you capitalize the first word in sentences enclosed in quotation marks. For instance, "a journey of a thousand..." should be "A journey of a thousand..."

In regards to content, your answer is a good response to the prompt. You answer all of the facets of their question and it is organized well, with good flow throughout.

I hope this helps some.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
OP KevinS 1 / 1  
Nov 10, 2008   #3
Thank you for the quick response and criticism. I will now make those adjustments. My worst fear was that my essay would have the most blatant grammatical errors and punctuation mistakes!
EF_Team5 - / 1583  
Nov 10, 2008   #4
You're very welcome!

Oh, it's not so bad as that! If you can keep simple "rules" like these in mind when you're writing, you'll be fine. That's what we're here for! Keep up your hard work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com


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