Application answer with fun. Need some help and advice to improve and make it funnier

We know that colleges ask a lot of hard questions on their applications. This one is not so hard and we promise, there is no hidden agenda - just have fun! We have all heard the saying "laughter is the best medicine." Recount a time when something really made you laugh. (200 word limit)

At the Royal College Curepipe, my local high school, we have always had this weird tradition of celebrating someone's birthday with an egg-smashing battle. 27 February 2014, it was our Head boy's birthday. The day before, all my friends and I stayed after school and spent hours to prepare ammunitions: trays of eggs, flour-filled balloons, and bottles of our the RCC elixir (a gooey and stinky mixture of raw egg, vinegar, milk and Coca Cola) and hid them all in our classroom. The following day, when we came to school, to our surprise, the classroom walls were covered with flinging big glops of raw egg and it was so smelly. After few minutes, we figured out that what a terrible mess we had caused: the mixture had triggered a gas- producing chemical reaction that made all the bottles explode, spewing all their contents around. Despite we were heavily punished by the principal and forced to clean the classroom, we still couldn't stop laughing and together sang happy birthday to our head boy, who himself had joined the cleaning process.

Although my high school days are now over, this will remain as one of my most memorable and funniest high school experiences.

Kerwin, the story that you shared already sounds funny just imagining it. However, the drawback of the scenario was that the explosion happened while your group was out of the room. The really funny, comedic part would have been if you were in the room as the explosion unfolded. Just imagine, how funny it would have been if the gas started popping all over the place and you were all scrambling around, unsuccessfully, trying to stop the results of the explosion from getting worse.

Try to watch some movie clips on Youtube in relation to these scenarios and try to pick up some ideas from the events in the film. Make sure to keep the part about the punishment that was dealt unto your group. It would be even funnier if somehow, the head boy and the headmaster of the school were somehow involved in the incident.

Why not say that you kept the things in the classroom overnight and then the next day, when you guys arrived in the classroom, you could all smell the gas and then, before anyone could take the offensive material out of the room, the explosions started? Be graphic about what happened to whom because you have to show the reviewer what happened in this case. Be imaginative and make sure that the actions are leaping off the page and coming to life in the mind of the reader.

I know you have a word limit so you will need to revise most of the latter part of the essay in order to accommodate my suggested changes. I think that there is room for the revision and replacement of most of the material from the current version of the narrative.

This is a good start, some adjustments are necessary to make it even funnier. I am looking forward to reading your revised story. I am sure it will be a riot.

Excellent work Kerwin! I was really drawn into the events that unfolded in the locker room that day. I could almost smell the stink that you guys managed to create and the images of exploding soda bottles, hitting you guys like a slime gun really made me snicker in laughter. You really showed that you know how to laugh at yourself and your antics in this narrative.

A quick point of revision though. It would be best not to use any names in the essay as much as possible in order to protect the privacy of your classmates. Since none of you had any dialogue in this incident and you did not enumerate the names of the "accomplices" in this instance, there is no need to mention the name of Jim anymore. In addition to that, you can improve the following sentence by saying:

Everyone tried in vain to stop the exploding projectiles from creating further damage in the locker room...

Also, I think it will be more graphic for the reader if you say "slime covered monsters" instead of simply monsters. That is because everyone is familiar with Nickelodeon and how they slime the guests at their award shows. So, it creates a more visual reference for the reader, thus making the way you guys looked as you entered the room even funnier.