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UC Application Essay #1- 'A drive through the desert'


DSakson 1 / 1  
Nov 26, 2012   #1
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

I come from a family of engineers and immigrants. My parents arrived in the United States just seventeen years ago with refugee visas from Ukraine, my mom had just finished studying to become an Environmental engineer, and my dad had been an Electrical engineer. Both had to give up their respective fields when they came to this country.

When I first heard this story I was genuinely surprised, I have wanted to be an engineer for some time now, but I didn't know my parents had been as well. We were driving past a field of wind turbines, and I happened to ask my mom about what she had done before coming to America. She looked out the window at the turbines for a moment, I though she didn't hear me, but then she responded: "I had just gotten out of the University studying to become an environmental engineer, they even offered me a job, but I didn't take it because we were coming here." My dad then picked up the conversation, he mentioned her final paper; ironically enough it was on the environmental impact of wind turbines, but he also went on about his job as well. He recounted days of working with old electronics in a plant back in Ukraine.

I sat for a moment, both confused and amazed, but another thing struck me, was it coincidence that I also wanted to be an engineer? I thought back to my eight grade aeronautics class. I got my first taste of engineering in that class on a trip to Edward's air force base, after that trip I couldn't stop thinking about becoming an aerospace engineer, it nearly became my obsession, but my parents didn't seem to have much impact on that decision. Then I remembered all the conversations with my dad on such topics as physics, and the nights he stayed up with me to help me with my math. I also remembered how my mom encouraged me to join the robotics team, and take harder math classes. It turned out that indirectly my parents had influenced my decision, they sparked in me, a passion for math and science, for which the only natural outlet was engineering.

If it weren't for that spark I would not have spent many nights with my robotics team tirelessly working for whatever competition we had coming up next, taking breaks only for a midnight coffee run. I also wouldn't have spent so many hours in front of my computer modeling various parts, in an attempt to hone my skills with computer animated design. Most importantly though, I probably wouldn't be the same person with the same goals and aspirations I have today. When we finally got home I got out of the car, I knew they wouldn't know why, but I said "Thank you."

Deadline is in 5 days so be as harsh and critical as possible!!!!
thank so much! =D

Eunhae126 3 / 16 6  
Nov 26, 2012   #2
In the beginning, use different sentence structures.
"...but I didn't know my parents had been as well." is a bit ambiguous
Be more specific when you mention the conversation in the car.
Which field of engineering are you going for? Your essay would be much more interesting if you specifically tied everything down to one field.
"I probably wouldn't be the same person with the same goals and aspirations I have today " (unnecessary)
For your last sentence, make it flow with the car ride story part of your essay more.
Read your essay out loud and watch for word tense.
Please read my essays!
503dannyk 8 / 25 1  
Nov 26, 2012   #3
This is pretty good, but I think you could do better by making it more from your perspective instead of like your telling someone a story (verbally). For example, you say: "We were driving past a field of wind turbines, and I happened to ask my mom about what she had done before coming to America. She looked out the window at the turbines for a moment, I though she didn't hear me, but then she responded: "I had just gotten out of the University studying to become an environmental engineer, they even offered me a job, but I didn't take it because we were coming here." when you could describe this more vividly. It gets kind of boring when you just give tell your question to your mom, what she was doing and her response. Try to describe these moments as they were happening to you, this will reel the reader into what is going on in the story.


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