My UC application essay about growing up in an international environment

Hey everyone. The UC apps are growing near so I felt it was time to write my personal statement. My mentor has given me a few suggestions but I'd love to hear what you guys think. I'll post the prompts + essay first and include what my mentor suggested at the end. Thanks beforehand.

Prompt #1
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

I grew up in a bustling city. A city that wasn't bustling in the traditional sense, but rather a city which was culturally bustling. This was due to the diversity of the community I was born into. The international community. I attended a multicultural kindergarten, middle and high school which, together with my family and friends, helped foster a desire to meet the world.

Aside from this cultural curiosity which arose in me, was also the need to understand people. It began at home at a young age when I noticed that people acted profoundly different from each other. I noticed for instance that my mother, who is American, had a very different approach to life than my father who is Swedish.

The observations took place in my academic life, as well, since I was used to being in classrooms where nobody was a minority because everybody had their own individual background. My need to understand people soon transferred into a heightened interest towards the social sciences and is the reason behind why I made the choice to study the Social Science Programme at Kungsholmen's International School here in Stockholm, Sweden during my final three years of High School.

During my roughly two years of education at Kungsholmen, I've begun to focus my interest on the subject of Sociology. In honor of my interest in the Social Sciences as well as in the world as a whole, I will this year be undertaking a large project in Zambia , set out to determine the depiction of ethnic groups in printed media there. I will be researching and assembling my data on this topic here in Sweden and in the early spring I'm booked to fly down to Zambia to get a first-hand view of how Zambians interpret my questions and results. This project is a voluntary one which will satisfy a 100 hour class requirement that all high school seniors in Sweden are required to fulfill. I hope to, with this project, acquire a broader understanding of media, of a culture which is foreign to me and of human interactions and prejudices. I know that I will forever gain the life experience of exposing myself to a completely foreign country and culture and I'm very humbled to have this opportunity.

It's my final year at Kungsholmen and although this school has given me so much both in terms of academics and in terms of personal development, it is time to move on.a I've decided that I'd like to further my education in Sociology and I've decided that I'd like to further my identity as an international individual by exploring my American heritage and studying in California. 485words.

Prompt #2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

As a result of growing up in an environment where everyone I met had a different background, story and way to relate to things I found a need to develop strong communication skills. Apart from my need to understand others as I attempted to illustrate in the first prompt, I also fostered a need to be understood by others. I realized that because everybody I met had their own view of the world I needed to learn to adapt to my audience and to tune my personality to who I was conversing with. It became evident to me that if I wished to be fully understood I needed to find a common ground with the person I was speaking to and align myself with them.

Subsequently, I started changing the ways in which I related to people, but as with all virtues I soon learned that it wasn't always such an easy thing to do. I noticed with most people that no matter how hard I attempted to relate to who I thought a person was I just couldn't get through to them .

It took me awhile, but I eventually came to the realization that things are never entirely as they seem and neither are people. I knew that I for instance, would - and invariably still do - hide behind a façade devised to shield myself from potential ridicule or humiliation. It was something I would do so that if I were to suffer a blow towards my ego I could brush it off as a meaningless act since it wasn't directed towards the real me; just my façade. This realization brought me to the conclusion that if I could put up a façade and get away with it, anybody could. This meant that getting through to people couldn't be done simply by summing someone up, I had to dig deeper and listen to what people really were saying about themselves, not just what they were saying literally or presenting visually.

This insight has kept me suspicious and unsatisfied towards what meets the eye. It has also vastly helped me to understand people and likewise to communicate on a deeper more fulfilling level with them. It's helped by preventing me from summing people up categorically, but most importantly it's helped me to realize that people are just as much individuals as they are all the same. We may all have different vulnerabilities, shame, fears, passions, influences and ideals - but we all have them none the less. We also all have different personal qualities, accomplishments, contributions and experiences - but we all have them and this is mine. 475 words.

The changes that my mentor suggested were the following:
- Change the beginning. It's incorrect to call Stockholm a bustling city because of it's relatively low population and because it isn't very well known on a global scale.

- Add a more personal touch to prompt #2. It lacks a picture of who you are. Many people grow up in multicultural environments and don't develop strong communication skills so why did you? Add an experience or similar to illustrate why you had the need to develop this skill set and what you gained from it.

I have roughly 35 words left to work with right now (the cap is 1,000), but I'm more than willing to remove redundant passages. Any help would be immensely appreciated.

Hello. So let me start with the first essay.
FIRST ESSAY:
1) Some how it has left me unsatisfied. Your intro was good but I want to know more about your city, your culture, your beliefs, your career interests, and basically I want to learn more about you. The admission office also wants to know you, as a person.

2) What is the word limit? I would like you add that and some extra activities you undertook activities, you have done. Volunteer work and all that. That is a important aspect.

SECOND ESSAY:
1) There are many essays that are quite something that you remember always. I would suggest to add some humor also so that essay is not a monolog. A small line that may invite a smile and something that makes you feel good on reading.


"This meant that getting through to people couldn't be done simply by summing someone up, I had to dig deeper and listen to what people really were saying about themselves, not just what they were saying literally or presenting visually."

Though English here is a little wrong but a wonderful thought. Expand it. Say, how you view world in grey, not in black and white. There are no perfectly bad and good people, in general and this is something that has helped me adapt well in society well.

You have got a very radical outlook. :) Would love to meet you and discuss various issues.
Last thing.
Look at your second last and last para. There are many phrases being repeated. Just add a different thought.

Your second essay is certainly impressive. I agree a little personal touch is req. but its a good essay. First one, is not bad but doesn't catch my eye.

Rework and post it up again. Would love to see you write more. You may consider critiquing essays here to improve your writing skills. Cheers :)

You have a sentence fragment near the start, there...
A city that wasn't bustling in the traditional sense, but rather a city which was culturally bustling.---- you got no predicate, mang!
It would have to be like this:
I grew up in a bustling city -- a city that wasn't bustling in the traditional sense, but rather a city which was culturally bustling.

But I would simplify:
I grew up in a bustling city. It wasn't bustling with crowds of people, but instead with a multiplicity of cultures. It was culturally bustling.

I like your theme for that first one!

Simplify here:
that things are never entirely as they seem and neither are people.
...that things and people are never entirely as they seem.


Well, I think you made it clear that you did not mean bustling with population... but instead culture.

Good job with these! As you revise and add those 35 words, keep in mind your purpose, which is to demonstrate how purposefully and methodically you are thinking about your career and how you are determined to accomplish your specific goals.

First off, let me just apologize for not answering for five days. I came down with the flu right as I posted this and haven't felt up to doing anything other than moping in bed.

Second off, thank you guys so much for your feedback. It's really appreciated!

@donrocks
As far as extracurricular activities and volunteer work goes I unfortunately have nothing to show there. I only began getting involved in school associations and volunteer work at the start of this semester and as far as I'm aware if I would mention that then it would seem as if I did this to add it to my application. To be frank, I've never really cared much for school until about a year ago. I've always been one of those kids who "sails through" school with good grades (it's a different grading system here, but practically straight A's) but who only does the bare minimum.

Good idea about the humor, I'll see if I can squeeze something in to lighten the reading. I agree with your other points as well. Thank you for your kind words :) I'm quite satisfied with my first draft of my 2nd essay despite it being slightly scattered. Although I would very much enjoy giving back especially after two very helpful posts, I simply don't have the time right now. Once spring comes I'll have much less on my plate and I'd love to help out.

@Kevin
Ah, silly me. I'm kind of surprised that my English teacher didn't catch that haha. I'll definitely take use of your simplifications for those sentences. I have quite the tendency to write in a convoluted fashion and I really need to learn to break that horrible pattern.

I'll be posting up a second draft in a few days - a week.