I need some quick advices for this essay since the due day is Friday. I am still editing the last two paragraphs, I will upload it later. But you can still give me advices on this incomplete one.
I'll be very thankful for you help, thank you!!!
personal statement: you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations
My hometown is Taiwan which is a small island located in the far eastern region of Asia. I live most of my time in shihlin, a prestigious district in Taipei. I have an unforgottable sensation to this region. Shihlin is well-known for its bustling night market, large natural recreation parks and profound, heartfelt neighbor relationship. The versatility of my growing backgrund have shaped my personality and inspire my life goal for future. The meaning of Shihlin in Chinese is "the Town of Schlors" which originated from that many famous schlors, poets and literatures in history were from this town. The deep, subtle influence of Shihlin culture have encouraged me to pursuit a definitive goal in my life.
I firmly believe that Taiwan is a big home to me. I am familiar with everything here, I enjoy living in this small but affluent country with abundance in culture and humanity. I consider three places as my homes. The home in Taipei is my permanent shelter, Taichung and Chiayi are homes for me to live for a short period. My dad's machine company moved to Taichung 9 years ago. My family used to visit that county during my semester breaks. Taichung has become home since my dad stays there long time for his business.
It is easy for Taiwanese to go back and forth between counties. My mom was just like any other people from countryside moved into Taipei to seek a better future. She brings a different culture to me. She teaches me the hardship of agriculture society and telles me to cherish things I own; to love people who treat me well. My dear aunt who live in Chiayi to abide by her responsibility, she takes care of my grandparents and it seems as her ultimate goal. Unfortunately, she is now suffering pain and torture from the notorious womb cancer.
She sees it as her final day is near, seems give up the hope of fighting cancer. My aunt is just like my second mom who concerns about me and takes care of me when I visit her in Chiayi. My mom one time tells me this,"you are good at inspiring people." Those light words ignite the altruism of my heart. I start to call my aunt regularly. Within minutes of brief yet long disance calls, I am not only helping her to turn more optimistic, aunt also give me a rare chance to discover myself. I use numerous methods include psychological tools to suasion my aunt's obdurate attitude. After all, I have a dream of becoming a knowledgeable professional psychologist and nutritionist.
This is great!
You focussed on Taiwan and one can tell that it has really shaped you.
Your essay is also quite sentimental as well.
Great job. :)
your essay is very elaborate
great job!
Thank you so much for you applauses, delegate and mzontario, you guys actually make me feel more confident about this essay. :-)
Just out of curious, do you think this essay is a bit wordy, cuz I describe my aunt's cancer too detail that I don't have space to write more.
Or, do you think it is good that I didn't really clearly mention the paragraph topic, I just describe a big picture and make it into several paragraphs, is that a good separation, the paragraph I mean. :(
Do I have any grammar mistakes or sentence misplace problems.
Can you give me more advices, please. Thank you!
You have a lot of grammar errors, spelling mistakes and tense switches. Like you go from past to present and reverse and it was really confusing.
And it should be like:
hardshipS of agricultural society
my dear aunt who liveS in Chiayi
My hometown is in Taiwan, a small island...(Taiwan isn't a town)
The versatility of my growing background shaped my personality (get rid of helper verbs like "have" when you canjust say "shaped" or "became" instead of have come.
You should stick to the past tense because you're talking about how your world has SHAPED you. I feel like the four paragraphs didn't really relate to each other. You start off talking about your hometown and then randomly switched to your aunt. I couldnt connect the two together and now they've shaped you. I expected to read about how your hometown shaped you but it went on about talking about your aunt who has cancer.
Also try varying the sentence structure and combining some, I felt like there were really choppy ones and too immediate. I thought it was all over the place. like you say you start calling your aunt regularly, then boom, you help her become optimistic, and boom, you discover yourself. How did you help her and how did that process in turn help you realize your dream of becoming a psychologist. And I don't understand how your town and aunt shaped your dream of being a nutritionist. You focused way too much on your world but the essay is about you and HOW it shaped YOU. You only begin the topic of you in the second to last paragraph.
I just have a couple of questions.
So you live in Shihlin still? Why do you want to go to this UC if you live in Taiwan?
And do you mean scholars? Or schlors?
This essay is actually pretty good!
You focused on your hometown and later on talked about your quality and the ability to inspire other people.
Good job!
*I just started using this website and the first essay I clicked on was yours.
I'm also from Taipei, Taiwan:D so reading this essay made me feel pretty heart-warming. (knowing that you also came from shihlin!!!! yey neighbors).
Keep it up! and please read my essay too!
"UC prompt 2- "Relationship led to patience""
I finished my application process already, but I still want some feedbacks on this one. So that I can write better essays for other schools next time. :-D
I will be very appreciate in any comments that you give me!!!
Living in Taiwan, counties and family
My home is Taiwan, a small island located in the far eastern region of Asia. I live most of my time in shihlin, a prestigious district in Taipei. I have an unforgottable sensation to this region. Shihlin is well-known for its bustling night market and heartfelt neighbor-ship. The meaning of Shihlin in Chinese is "the Town of Scholars" which originated from that many famous scholars, poets and literaturers in history were from this town. The deep influence of Shihlin cultures have aspirated me to pursuit a definitive dreams in my life.
I consider three places as my homes. The home in Taipei is my permanent shelter; Taichung and Chiayi are homes for me to live for a short period. Because my dad's machine company moved to Taichung 9 years ago, my family used to travel to that county during my semester breaks. Therefore, Taichung has give me a strong sense of doing business and travel around. It also provides me another place to travel other than Taipei. However, I want more than just traveling in Taichung and Taipei. They give me a dreaming space that I want to travel all over the world when I can afford my travel expenses.
My mom, she was from Chiayi, a county located in south Taiwan. She came to Taipei for a better future. My mom grew up in countryside, She taught me the hardworking of agriculture society and told me to cherish things I own; to love people who treat me well. All of these have shape me to build my dream and guild my mind to set up my final goal. My mom's teachings made me think of those healthy, sincere farmers. They live with natural; they eat what this land give them. I have a desire to live like those farmers. I want to eat healthy and I wish to give everyone a chance to eat natural foods. This aspiration shape my dream of becoming a nutritist.
My mom has an older sister, my aunt, she was recently suffering from the womb cancer. I was shocked to hear the news. After a brief shocked, I soon calm myself down and think of any ways that I can encourage aunt to stand up and fight for the disease. Those movement was first inspired by my mom. She told me that I am good at inspiring people. Her word completely ignite the altruism of my heart. I started to call my aunt regularly to make sure that she stayed positive. Within minutes of brief yet long disance calls, I am not only helping her to turn more optimistic, aunt also give me a rare chance to discover myself. I found out that I am actually good at inspirate people just like what mom said to me. This made me so happy because I found joys in helping my aunt. I wish I inspirate more people in future.
Wherever I go in future, Taiwan is still the warmest place to me. This land gives me numerous memories, Shihlin night market, Taichung, my mom and my aunt, they formed my views for this community; they shape my dream, and my aspirations in future.
