I am applying to UBC and in the application form, it requires me to write an essay about myself

Hello, so currently I am applying to UBC and in the application form, it requires me to write an essay about my self. So the question is:

Tell us about who you are. How would your family, friends, and/or members of your community describe you? If possible, please include something about yourself that you are most proud of and why. (maximum 250 words)

self introduction essay for ubc

Everybody has a passion, during my high school years I always try to find my own. Back to the orientation day in high school, there was an event where all of the extracurricular had a chance to show what they could do. Everybody seemed to enjoy what they were doing, and they did it joyfully. At that moment I realized that doing what we love is an essential thing for people to consider regarding their life. From all of the performances, the dance club is the one that intrigued me the most. So I gave it a try and joined the club. Joining the club helped me discovered my passion for art. The process of finding it was not an easy journey. There were a lot of tasks that I had to accomplish that I found it very difficult at that time, but because I was aware of what I want so I pushed off all the pressure and worked harder. I felt some positive changes in myself from then; I became more optimistic and aware of hardworking. Not just striving for myself, I also had to work with my team. I had been working with them for almost three years. They trust my positivity and competence to work with theirs, and it brings out some best results to our team. I have achieved up to 30 awards with them. Moreover, I could also balance my academic terms. I steadily keep my scores in the top ten of the class.

I am from Indonesia, and I did not use English as the first language so please help me by commenting/editing my essay
Thank you :)

Bena, this statement responds to the last part of the prompt. It does not respond to the first part so you still need to develop your response to that part. Rather than trying to describe yourself based on your family, friends, and/or family members, pick just one instead. The one whose description of you will best tie into the story that you have about your dancing passion that you are very proud of. If you try to use each classification to describe you, the word allowance will be insufficient. It might be better if you try to revise the essay by responding to the first prompt question first, then focus on creating a connected response for the last part of the prompt. That way you get to balance the word allotment throughout the essay. It will also make it simpler to edit the new version for applicability to the prompt requirements.

@benamilada
Hi, I'm also applying to UBC as an international student so my advice might not be the best.

Your essay answered the part where they asked about what are you most proud of. However, at least in my point of view that part is optional since it says IF POSSIBLE. Therefore, the first part asking about who you are is what you should response. Try to start talking about yourself as a person and then relate that to you passion for dancing.

Merged:

i have re write my essay and what do you think about this one?

So I have re-write my essay from my last thread and I realized that I am so focused on adding the background of why I was like this and that rather than write it straight to the point. This is the essay I've written

Everybody has a passion, during my high school years, I always try to find my own. The process of finding it is not an easy journey. I faced a lot of difficulties in the process, but because I am aware of what I am doing is something good for myself, I could always find a way to get through it. My passion-finding journey changes my perspective on life. I realized that hard work is a must. I would do my best to achieve something that I want and need. Passion taught me to enjoy every moment of the process, and that makes every obstacle could be seen as a challenge by me and not as pressure, also I am always optimistic on finding the solutions of the problems and get through it. I am used to working with a team. I joined a dance club in my high school, and I had been working with my team for almost three years. They trust my positivity and competence to work with theirs, and it brings out some best results to our team. Besides dancing, I love going to new places, trying new things, basically anything that challenges me to get out of my comfort zone. So adapting to new things is not a big problem for me. I believe, being in a position that is out of a comfort zone could broaden your mind and be a better person, and I am always looking forward to developing myself more.

What about this essay? for the structure is it already decent enough to be submitted? and also what about the grammars?
Thank you for sparing your time to comment on this :)

@benamilada
... passion. During ... journey changed my ... hard work was a must if ... new things. Anything that ...

Here you go I fixed a few sentences so that it flows a little bit better

This essay is not too coherent. In any event, all they are asking you is "What are you passionate about?" When you are passionate about something, it will exude and manifest itself in various areas throughout your life. This is why the prompt goes on to ask how would people who are close to you describe you. If you are passionate about dance, clearly state that right from the top.Talk about how dance makes you feel. Describe your feelings when you are doing what you enjoy. Since you have won many accolades for dancing, you can briefly discuss the most important one you have won and why. - Admissions Track