I want to approach my values like limits in Calculus

What factors influenced your decision to apply to Barnard College and why do you think the College would be a good match for you?

Calculus limits and Barnard

AP Calculus-3rd period Mr. Kose
Limit x→ infinity (x^2)+1................................................A Limit equation in Calculus

=infinity

Likewise:

Limit Mualla(that's me)→ Barnard (advocate of feminism* one of three girls in AP Computer Science and one of six in AP Calculus*STEM)^2 + Computer Science + Mathematics + Physics

= I am drawn to Barnard because it is an all girls school. As a woman interested in the STEM field, I would love to work with female professors especially because the majors I intend on studying, Mathematics and Computer Science, are both male-dominated. In my high school, many females dropped out of STEM classes. As a result, I organized tutoring sessions to get females motivated in the math and sciences. At Barnard, I would like to continue to serve as a mentor, influence other women in both Computer Science and Math at 333(B) Milbank Hall and break the stereotype that "STEM majors are only for men." Furthermore, the idea that Barnard students work with male students at Columbia appeals to me because it shows that they are not secluded in their own campus. Lastly, I relish the fact that Barnard encourages a study of broad range of fields but along with the Nine Ways of Knowing I would be able to explore new ideas. At Barnard I want to guide females in stepping out of their comfort zone and in showing the world that they are also capable of solving the limits in Calculus.

Mualla, the presentation is interesting, but it seems to waste a lot of valuable space in the essay. Information that could have been used to better inform the reviewer as to the reasons why you were attracted to Barnard College in the first place. No, mentioning that you were attracted because it is an all girl school doesn't add to the strength of the appeal of the college. That is mere an aesthetic appeal and does not relate to the serious considerations when looking for a college. The idea behind you wishing to continue to mentor students is a personal reason that relates more to your past experience in education and does not reflect the idea behind any existing mentoring program at Barnard. If you can find a mentoring program and mention it specifically in relation to your previous educational experience, then that would serve as more of an attraction in the essay.

@Holt

Holt I cut out some of the beginning parts and I changed the essay up a little bit. Also I have about 30 more words to use as the word limit is 250 words.

I am having trouble answering this prompt. What else should I add or even remove here??

Barnard and Tufts are very important to me, so any of your comments are very appreciated, Holt.

AP Calculus
Limit x→ infinity (x^2)..........................................................................A Limit equation in Calculus

=infinity

Likewise:

Limit Mualla(that's me)→ Barnard (one of three girls in AP Computer Science)^2

= Feminism has always been a big part of me, which is why I want to be in an all girls school-Barnard. As a woman interested in the STEM field, I would love to work with female professors because the majors I intend on studying, Mathematics and Computer Science, are both male-dominated. I organized tutoring sessions to get females motivated ...

In all honesty, I think that the calculus equation is a bit of an overkill. If you find yourself having to explain the set up of your presentation to the reviewer before you can get to the actual content of the essay, then something is definitely wrong with the essay. The equation will only work if you don't have to present the original formula plus the new formula using yourself in the equation. That is one reason why I feel like your essay is a bit on the difficult side. I would like you to try something with this essay.

Totally remove the equations from your essay and read it. I believe that you should see a smoother flow in the presentation. In addition to that, you may also notice that your message comes more immediately to the attention of the reviewer. Thus making the response more interesting and informative to the reviewer. You can always indicate your feminist ideology at the start of the essay without the complicated calculus calculation. I don't really believe that calculus is an important part of the essay you developed as it is not even a necessary requirement of the prompt.

@Holt
Maybe something like this? I can not be sure. What do you think of this revised version? I changed up a lot of things.

Honestly I think the last few sentences need to be changed up. What do you think?

Barnard because I am a feminist. As a woman interested in the STEM field, I would like to work with female professors because the majors I intend on studying, Mathematics and Computer Science, are underrepresented by women. Supposedly, some students at Barnard have dropped math and computer classes easily, thinking that these subjects are explicitly for men. Throughout my high school, I was one of the few girls in math classes because many of my friends would not be up for the challenge of going for STEM. Having organized tutoring sessions to motivate females, I want to continue to serve as a mentor at the Barnard CS and Math help rooms to help women in these subjects and let them know that they can succeed.

...

The first sentence can use some improvement. It doesn't sound right to just say Barnard because I am a feminist. I would split that opening paragraph into two parts. The first would explain your educational background and close with,"I have always been a feminist at heart, therefore, it is only logical that I continue to pursue my education at an institution synonymous with feminism, Barnard College." Then I would open a second paragraph that indicates your ideas behind the mentoring and other programs that you are going to pursue at Barnard because the university supports it.

I think the problem with your last few sentences is that you are focusing on information that you got from blogs. Maybe that is because you are speaking as if you have already been to a campus visit to Barnard when you have not. Instead of speaking with the sound of experience, talk with the sound of anticipation instead at what you can accomplish by participating in those programs once you become a student at Barnard.

@Holt
Hi, Holt. So far I only touched the top paragraph and I will work with the second paragraph later.I made some adjustments like you said. What do you think of this version?

As a woman interested in the STEM field, I would like to work with female professors because the majors I intend on studying, Mathematics and Computer Science, are underrepresented by women. Throughout my high school, I was one of the few girls in math classes because many of my friends would not be up for the challenge of going for STEM. I am a feminist at heart. Therefore, I would like to continue my education at an institution synonymous with feminism: Barnard.

Supposedly, some students at Barnard have dropped Computer classes easily and later opened a tutoring space for themselves to motivate each other. I organized tutoring sessions to help females in both math and computer class; therefore, I would like to continue to serve as a mentor at the Barnard CS and Math help rooms.

One thing that I also love is immersing myself into warm conversations with people. As a Youth member of the Peace Islands Institute I was able to understand other faiths through interfaith dialogues and improve my interpersonal skills. Nothing describes the rush of excitement I get when I listen to other's opinions about certain issues. Barnard encourages such programs and dialogue. The BCRW blogs, which explores feminism and social justice, never leaves my attention. People come together to converse about issues and are motivated to make a change in society; this is the community I want to be part of. This is the community where I will be able to turn conversations into actions. A community where good actions are contagious.

I think that you need to add some things about Barnard college itself that will help to make the connection between you and why this university would be a perfect fit for you. If I may offer you some additional information to consider adding to your essay, you should also look into the fact that since you come from a country that limits the participation of women in the work force, then you will definitely benefit from the training that you can get through internships related to your major via the Barnard career office.

As for the social and civic participation that makes Barnard a good fit, you can try to mention that you would like to continue your mentoring of the underprivileged or the promotion of women's rights through the Barnard Center for Research on Women. These are some of the reasons that I can see which can further solidify your statement about wishing to become a true feminist by partaking of an education at a truly feminist institution like Barnard.

@Holt
Holt sorry I may have not understood. What did you mean by, "you should also look into the fact that since you come from a country that limits the participation of women in the work force" ?

I am referring to the fact that your country doesn't really have much women working in professional capacities. Most specially in capacities that are normally reserved for me. If you can highlight the way that Barnard can help you develop your career in this field, you can also serve as an inspiration to other women in your country upon your return. That is the aim of Barnard after all, to help empower women to become leaders and inspirations in their respective fields. That is a common ideology that you share with the university aside from Feminism. So you should discuss some of it in order to show why you believe that Barnard would be the best college for someone of your mindset who has a desire to promote women's rights. This should be one of the focal points of the reason why you wish to study at Barnard. Aside from the other academic and socio-civic offerings that the university represents.

@Holt
Oh. Now I get it. Thanks for clarifying. I am working on the new version according to the points you have mentioned :)

@Holt

Holt I know I am pouring my supplements on you but I would appreciate if you looked at this supplement as well... Thanks, really.

Coming from a cultural background that limits the role of women in society and as a proud woman and feminist at heart, I have always wanted to break past cultural barriers. Barnard would be a perfect fit for me to make a difference for women not just in my culture but also globally. The education I will receive at Barnard will help empower me to become a leader in my community and inspire other women to succeed in their respective fields.

Despite society's attitude toward women in STEM fields, I intend on majoring in Mathematics and Computer Science, which are both male-dominated. When I first joined AP Computer Science I was the only girl in my class. However, one of my friends was inspired by me and so she also joined the class. At Barnard, I would like to continue to serve as an inspiration to women and serve as a mentor in Barnard CS and Math help rooms.

As a Youth member of the Peace Islands Institute, I was exposed to many dialogue programs where people listened to each others viewpoints on issues. There I helped International students through their English classes. By working with and listening to activists at the BCRW, I would like to continue my involvement with such organizations and come up with different ways of thinking to current issues. Barnard is the only school that will help to me grow into a confident woman but also help me to leave a trail for others to follow.

Mualla, I feel like we need to add another paragraph that will focus solely on Barnard and the reasons why it is a good match for you. The essay has so many parallelisms that I fear the comparisons will be the attention calling element of the essay instead of the reasons that it is a better match for you. Can you develop another paragraph for a proper conclusion? One that circles back and reiterates the strongest possible reason that really has you saying that Barnard will be a good match for you? Go beyond the STEM discussion. Try to find something along the lines of a woman's cause that you can identify with and support as an advocacy while you study at the university. I think that will work well to conclude the essay.

@Holt
Holt I am working this is my revised version. I am not finished yet but so far what do you think?
...

Also Holt, what did you mean by women's causes? Does it mean woman success?

Not a bad start for a beefed up paragraph. Keep working on it and let me know when it is ready to be reviewed. I think you are getting to the point where the essay can be considered to be in its final phase of editing. As an fyi, do not confuse women's causes with women's success. Those are two different things. Women's causes are related to women's rights. I am amazed that you are not familiar with the term since you are a big defender of women's rights in your country. If you want to fully understand how women's rights and women's causes are related, look it up using a simple search. Doing that research just might help you to develop a better response to the essay. Work some of the issues and solutions into you essay if you can.

@Holt
As a person who's first language is not english, I dont fully understand some of the terms that are very obvious to native speakers-:)

@Holt

Hi Holt I have a revised draft.

I grew up listening to stories about social injustice in my family's past. Women had to live under the protection of men, according to the traditional customs I was raised with. Coming from a cultural background that limits the role of women in society, as a feminist at heart, I have always wanted to break past cultural barriers. Barnard would be a perfect fit for me to make a difference for women not just in my culture but also globally. The education I will receive from the Barnard BLUE Collective dialogue series, a social justice education, would not only help empower me to become a leader in my community but also help inspire other women to succeed in their respective fields.

As a young liberal Muslim girl, I believe that women rights in Islam are misrepresented mostly because of the disinformation media spreads. The Scholar&Feminist Journal at Barnard would be an excellent platform for me to express my ideas openly and enlighten the public about this controversial issue.

Furthermore, the idea of working with numerous female role models excites me, especially because the majors I am interested in, Math and Computer Science, which are both underrepresented by women

Mualla, my apologies if I accidentally insulted you when it came to the difference between the two terms. That was not my intention. I hope you won't take it against me. It is just that most females I know who are big into the feminist cause are usually so familiar with the terms, I beg them to stop telling me about it. Hahaha! Mostly because the discussion ends up in group debates where at the end of the night, the friends go home miffed, but still friends somehow.

I would like you to try a new opening paragraph for your essay. This is for your consideration and use if you wish to do so:

Having grown up in a rigid Muslim environment where the movement and rights of women are controlled by the men, I grew up rebelling against the system. Mostly because I felt that as a women, I should have rights as well. I never knew the meaning of feminist rights and the feminist cause until I began doing research for colleges. At Barnard, I hope to blossom as a feminist and come into my own identity under the feminist cause based upon the college's desire to promote female activism. This is a cause that I must learn about if I am to return to my home country and make a change for the women there. The education I will receive ...

Now, for the final statement, don't say math and science are underrepresented by women because that may not be the case in all countries. Be specific say it is under represented in your country and you hope to change that. Then end the essay. I think we can finalize the content then.

@Holt
No worries! I am still working on Barnard. I will get you the last versions ASAP. The college apps are hard to catch up. Sorry.