Arriving in Seattle was like a dream; University of Washington-Seattle

I feel like my essay is all over the place. I don't know how to put across the impact that my trip to Seattle/Washington had on my life. The prompt is about any situation that influenced your life.

I had a rough time adjusting to life in high school. I came from a sheltered school of a few hundred kids. Lane Tech has about 5,000 students and a large campus. It is also a selective enrollment school so the students are competitive and motivated. As a freshman and sophomore I felt lost in the crowd. My grades quickly began to slip and I was no longer a strong student. I just did the motions I had to do to pass my classes. The summer after my sophomore year my parents promised to bring me to the Pacific Northwest with the strict condition that I would visit colleges. I agreed only because I had been begging to visit Seattle since I was 10.

We went to Portland first and then we drove to Oregon State University. I was underwhelmed. The area around the university was brown and there wasn't any interesting things to do. I was expecting Oregon State University to be in a lush, green forest. After visiting the university I was unmotivated. My parents decided it was time to drive to Seattle. We took a scenic route, which actually means that my father wanted to drive around for 8 hours instead of 3. At the time I was furious because I just wanted to get to Seattle and I did not care about the journey. I quietly protested in the backseat by texting friends and ignoring the views around me.

I fell asleep for quite some time and when I woke up I was in this foggy wonderland. I distinctly remember the song Beruit's Postcards from Italy dancing through my ears. There were trees that were taller than all the houses in my Chicago neighborhood. There were trunks wider than the gas-­guzzling cars on my block. I looked wide­-eyed out of the window at the beautiful surroundings. My heart was beating. I was the happiest I had felt in years. I felt hopeful and lively. This was it. This was the epiphany I needed. I wanted to be a part of the world. I wanted to get good grades and do something with my life. I needed to have a positive impact on the world instead of just watching it pass me by. I decided right there and then that I needed to find a college that would allow me to better the world.

Arriving in Seattle was like a dream. The people I encountered were happy and determined. They had their own idea of success and they were aware of their impact on the world. In a destined event, we visited the University of Washington. As I drove around the campus I had the feeling that you get after your first kiss. I felt excited. I felt like I discovered this whole new world. The campus was beautiful and was in the perfect environment. The students cared about where they were and acted like each moment was valuable in its own way. The holistic values of the school gave me hope that if I could get good enough grades and prove my dedication I would have a chance of getting in. University of Washington became my dream school. When school started up again I would always think about my experiences that summer. I was so motivated to not only get good grades, but to grow as a responsible human being. I will never be the same after that summer. My life is completely turned around. I am not only a straight-A student, but now I also care so much about my environment and the people who live in it.

You're right to feel as though this is a bit scattered.

With a couple phrasing changes, the essay could have started here...


...or even here:


What made the campus beautiful?
In what ways was the experience similar to one's first kiss?

Also, what do you mean by these phrases?





How, in your view, does the "idea of success" among Seattleites differ from that of people in other cities?

jkjeremy

Thank you for your feedback! I'm working the suggestions you made. I just have a quick question. What are your suggestions for fixing the fact that the essay could start and many different points. Should I add transitions or should I cut out the first half of the essay and then add more about Seattle to the second half?

You're welcome.

The short answer to your question is YES.

If I'm understanding this correctly, you need to write about a situation that affected your life. Note that there is no "s" after the word "situation."

There are the beginnings of several essays here. You could have written about any of the following:

Your difficulty adjusting to school
Your time at Lane Tech
Your TRIP to Oregon
Your impressions of Oregon State
etc.

If you're writing about your visit to the city of Seattle, you need to focus on that. None of the above is relevant.

1. Tell that you went to Seatlle.

2. Discuss one WAY in which your visit affected you.

3. Discuss ANOTHER way in which it affected you.

etc.

4. In your conclusion, briefly tell why YOU belong in the city of Seatlle.