This is my undergraduate admission essay.
The prompt is writing an autobiographical essay that tells us something about yourself that you feel is significant to your application and our perception of you.
I really appreciate for any suggestion for strong conclusion.
Also if you find some grammar errors, please correct me.
Any feedback and criticism are welcome!
Thank you
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Since my early childhood, my life has been closely involved in art, and I have always enjoyed drawing everything I could possibly imagine on a sketchbook. The first significant event that made me immerse myself in the study of art happened when I was attending elementary school, at the age of twelve. At that time, I participated in a painting contest for elementary school students. I really did not put much effort into my illustration, because I didn't expect that I could get a prize in this contest. However, incredibly I won the grand prize. The moment when I received my top prize, I was extremely overwhelmed by joy. Since then, it has motivated me to pursue my dream of becoming an artist.
I often used to express my feelings through drawing and painting, and I believe it is my unique characteristic that different with other people. In fact, There are many ways to express emotion. Some people write a song, or story to express their emotion, and others might express themselves through playing instruments. For me, art is the path expressing my feelings and it always has fulfilled my desire arise from deep inside. For example, When I am deeply impressed by something, such as the glow of sunset spreading over the sky, or a story about a handicapped person overcoming their obstacles, I feel strong desire to reproduce these idea. I feel huge satisfaction of desire to recreate emotion through drawing and painting on canvas, and it is one of my motive to makes me keep working on visual art.
As I grew older, my conviction in working in the art field became stronger. That is because not only I like to express my idea on a sketchbook all the time, but I also feel that art has some special characteristics that other fields of study don't have. In fact, when we observe the history of art, human's artistic creativity has evolved over time and has become a driving force that propel us towards a better quality of life. In the field of art and design, for instance, individual's creativity is essential to produce innovative art work. For me, I personally enjoy the feeling of visualizing my creativity by drawing and painting, and I am ready to discover my artistic potential. I would like to expand my professional horizon in the career of visual arts.
One of the greatest young artist who has inspired me is Je Seok Lee who graduated from School of Visual Art. I have determined to work in the field of art after I read a biography written by Lee. He resigned from an advertising company and began working in public service advertising. I was deeply impressed by him, because usually advertising is a tool for promoting a new product, person or company. However, Lee, who is the most talented and prospective young advertiser, has decided to use his ability for helping people to get better life. I think it really works well in modern society, because people always keep seeking for more interesting, witty, innovative, and creative things. According to Lee, a well-made visual representation can influence our society greatly. I have always wished to help other people with my talent, and I could learn from his book how to combine art and public service, and the way I can use my talent to change society.
Looking back on my entire life, art is always closely connected with me, because it is not only I like to express my emotion, thoughts and ideas by artistic visualization, but also it is what I can enjoy the most. Now, I am ready to dedicate rest of my life for art, and it would be the best choice in my life.
and I believe it is my unique characteristic that "differentiates me from other people."
For example, When I am deeply impressed by something, such as the glow of sunset spreading over the sky, or a story about a handicapped person overcoming their obstacles, I feel strong desire to reproduce these idea(S).
I feel huge satisfaction of desire to recreate emotion through drawing and painting on canvas, and it is one of my "motives that keeps me working on visual art."
That is because not only "do" I like to express my idea on a sketchbook all the time, but I also feel that art has some special characteristics that other fields of study don't have.
In fact, when we observe the history of art, human's artistic creativity has evolved over time and has become a driving force that propel(S) us towards a better quality of life.
However, Lee, who is the most talented and prospective young advertiser, has decided to use his ability for helping people "get a better life."
According to Lee, a well-made visual representation can "greatly influence our society."
"Looking back on my entire life, art has always been closely connected with me, because it is not only that I like to express my emotion, thoughts and ideas by artistic visualization, but also it is what I can enjoy the most. Now, I am ready to dedicate the rest of my life for art, learning, expanding, and producing, a higher ability to help the people around me.
The idea behind the essay is well thought out, but the ideas are not well put together. The actual essay context is good, but not well placed. There are a few things I changed around to make the essay flow a little better, but take sometime and sit down yourself to read the essay. You will notice that the essay does not flow, constantly making you stop after every few sentences. Proofread and adjust that!
Do not capitalize here:
In fact, There there are many...
For example, When when I am deeply impressed...
One of the greatest young artists who have inspired me...
Looking back on my entire life, art is always closely connected with me close to my heart, because ...-----I don't like the way it sounds when you use "closely connected with me"
This seems very sincere and inspired!
