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Arts and Sciences, Cornell Supplement - CAS Prompt


jyu104 14 / 46  
Dec 28, 2009   #1
Am I answering the prompt correctly? Is it written well? How can I further develop it? I would be grateful if you send back feedback.

College of Arts and Sciences:
Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. Tell us how you will utilize the academic programs in the College of Arts and Sciences to further explore your interests, intended major, or field of study.

When I renewed my AOL Internet subscription in the seventh grade, I somehow, by fate as I believe it now, ordered a year's subscription of Fortune Magazine as well. While my parents were upset that I had spent a great deal of their money on a subscription for a magazine they had never heard of before, I started receiving biweekly editions of the global business magazine. At first, I was skeptical of the magazine because of its title, "Fortune" Magazine (was it about fortunetelling? hocus-pocus?), but I soon became drawn to it and its magical storytelling. As a naïve middle school student, Fortune Magazine introduced me to an entirely new world. It stories brought me upfront to what was happening in other countries; about the great changes going on in China, India, and Russia, and about the changes that were to occur in this century. Biweekly, it spoon-fed me all these wonders, about the developments in Dubai and Singapore, and not just that, but what was causing all of this change, specifically the economic and political reasons. It spoon-fed me new terms: globalization, BRIC (Brazil, Russia, India, China), deficit, collusion, OPEC, the list going on and on. But I needed to know more than what Fortune Magazine was already providing me, so I began to look to the Internet to keep myself updated, reading about international business between East Asia and Europe, and about international relations between the United States and China. I began to subscribe to other magazines such as well, like The Economist, and read works such as The World is Flat to learn more about globalization and the turmoil growing between countries with worsening international relations. I needed to absorb more information, and I needed to know what was going on.

In 2006, after reading about all that was going on, I got the chance to see things firsthand when I visited China and Japan. I got to see the modernization of China that my readings told me about, in its cities and capital, but also the troubles faced by the rest of the country as well, in the farmlands and through the working conditions in factories. I got to witness the political tensions between Japan and China that summer, as well as those between the China and the United States, from the viewpoint of both the Chinese and Japanese media, rather than just from the American media as I had been viewing it before.

I desire to study economics because I find it to be a fascinating subject that lets us closely view the world through the gradual progressions and changes in countries, as well as predict the imminent changes to come. Economics is much more than mathematics and logistics as it involves knowledge of politics and history as well, tying in with international relations, a topic I find incredibly engaging. Cornell's economics program is very strong and is well respected, and as a leading research university it offers the opportunity to do research in both the university and out in the field. Besides studying in the economics department I would also like to take advantage of the international relations minor offered at the Mario Einaudi Center. With the abundant resources that Cornell offers, I believe I would be well prepared for a lifetime of research and work in the field of economics.

christiek 6 / 65  
Dec 28, 2009   #2
I was skeptical of the magazine, because it was called "Fortune" Magazine (was it about astrology? fortunetelling? hocus-pocus?),

-> How does this sound? "I was skeptical of the magazine, because of its title, "Fortune" Magazine, (was it about..."

Magazine introduced to me, a middle school student ,

It's stories told me what was happening in other countries besides that which I was living in, that there was great change going on in China, in India, in Russia, as well as Brazil, and that biggest change in this century was happening on the other side of the world.

-> Isn't this just a repeat of the sentence before? You should pick one or the other to keep.

economic reasons behind

-> economic reasons behind it.

I now knew about

-> I now KNOW about ...

last throughout my own lifetime,

I needed to know more than that which Fortune Magazine provided, andso I looked to the internet

I also got to witness the political tensions between Japan and China, as well as that between the United States and China.

-> how so??

[

lets us view closely the world,

-> lets us closely view the world,

imminent change.

-> imminent changeS

Cornell's economics department is very strong and as it is a large research university I would like taking advantage of its research opportunities as well, in the university and in the field as well.

-> can you read that red part over and fix it.

GOOD LUCK : )
material_sloth 3 / 5  
Dec 28, 2009   #3
I think this essay has potential and good ideas, but needs some condensing.
The middle section is repetitive in a way that doesn't contribute to the point.
I think you can improve the quality of the essay by trimming down some of the description, for example:

"Fortune Magazine introduced to me, a middle school student, an entirely new world, one that I had never known about before."

As a naive middle school student, Fortune Magazine introduced me to an entirely new world.

"It brought me upfront to issues in other parts of the world, those on the opposite side of the planet, those in neighboring countries, and those I had never heard of before."

It highlighted issues from around the world in countries so foreign that I had never even heard their names.

"It's stories told me what was happening in other countries besides that which I was living in, that there was great change going on in China, in India, in Russia, as well as Brazil, and that biggest change in this century was happening on the other side of the world."

^ this could be split into two sentences or shortened for more clarity

Overall, good job! I think that making all it concise will help to make your argument more solid!
OP jyu104 14 / 46  
Dec 28, 2009   #4
Thank you for the feedback guys. Do you think it is answering the prompt correctly? Also it is a chore to read?
material_sloth 3 / 5  
Dec 28, 2009   #5
You're welcome. I think that you did answer the prompt, and in an interesting way. You show the reader how you became interested in economics and how that interest developed. I don't think it's a chore to read as long as you make it more precise! :)
OP jyu104 14 / 46  
Dec 28, 2009   #6
Thank you guys for giving feedback. I edited the one I posted here the second time, changing it A LOT, and then I sent it in. Feel free to edit my other essays and list ones that you've written that you want me to look at.


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