An answer to one of the prompts on the Common App! The full prompt is as follows: Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.
This is my very first post here, haha. I would greatly appreciate any feedback whatsoever concerning my response: things I should leave out, things I should rephrase, things that should be elaborated on, etc. I'm aware this is well over 500 words, but I'm not sure where the chopping should be done.
Thank you very much in advance!
I find my escape in dark rooms, the kind with one large eye of dancing images and a reel puttering softly at the back from behind a window. In these rooms, a tear can roll down the cheek of a young woman; a row of whites bares itself in a side corner; knuckles whiten as fingers grip seats. For the most part, the rooms are blanketed in darkness, but in the brief glows of illumination from the big screen, I like to turn around and take it all in: the secret tears, the hidden smile, someone inadvertently leaning back in their seat.
Having seen a good film, you walk out of the theater in a daze with echoes of laughter and soundtrack milling around in your head.
I like a certain kind of movie in particular, the kind where the actors are only voices, breathing life into characters that only exist on screen. However, my deep appreciation for CGI-animated films has only come about recently. When I was five, I howled in enjoyment with my kindergarten classmates at Woody and Buzz Lightyear's toy escapades. I fell in love at age eleven with Nemo, Marlin, Dory, and their underwater world along with everyone else. When I was twelve, I finished watching The Incredibles wishing I had super powers. At sixteen, I marveled at the colors of Paradise Falls, "aww"-ing at the adventures of an old man, a little boy, and a rainbow bird.
2010 brought something different. I walked into a movie by DreamWorks expecting some more fun nonsense like that of the studio's previous works involving talking animals and a Scottish ogre. Instead, I found myself enraptured by the tale of a young Viking named Hiccup going beyond his village's traditional hatred of dragons and befriending one.
Childish? The plot, perhaps.
But in a scene where Hiccup's father is speaking with a friend, his words faded as I stared at the separate hairs of his fur vest, shifting with his movements in the sunlight streaming in, as naturally as if watching real footage. From there, I noted the rusted details of the characters' metal hats, the carefully carved faces of rock cliffs, the actions of bodies painstakingly plotted to mimic real-life kinetics.
The simple act of Elastigirl pushing her daughter's hair back in The Incredibles in 2004 was a monumental feat in CGI animators. Long, flowing hairs had not been rendered at that level before. To experience the great achievements of the animation world all together on that screen was to return to the ground from the back of a dragon with a feeling of inspiration never felt before.
I began making crayon scribbles at age two. In elementary and middle school, I doodled habitually as a hobby. As I entered high school and got to know other artists, I acquired the typical fire to improve, drawing more and more. The act was like breathing, but as breaths the drawings crystallized fast and fell.
They were flat. They lie inert in forgotten pages of school handouts and sketchbooks. Did they have somewhere to stride towards, a final destination where their feelings and actions could reach out and touch audiences? Did they have something to become? The pages of Pixar's various art books display messy sketches of its cartoon residents, scratchy and faded like the monochromatic photographs of ancestors. I looked at these nascent stages of illustration and felt a sense of beginning. I was an amateur artist with nowhere to go and nowhere particular in mind. Movies were merely entertainment.
I yearned for my artwork to be able to dance one day as well, but knew not how to achieve this.
DreamWorks' How to Train Your Dragon exposed me to the wondrous possibilities of its medium and all those involved in production. Now, when I place my pencil to paper, I think in three dimensions. I remember the small chest heave of a character - little idiosyncrasies that connect them to us. When I place my pencil to paper, I think with respect of the years of work that stand invisible to viewers behind a film's surface: years of concept art, writing, and digital editing.
When I begin to draw, I remember the rush of emotions that emerges privately in the darkness of a theater, the artists that evoke it, and think:
I want to be a part of that.
Having seen a good film, you walk out of the theater in a daze with echoes of laughter and soundtrack milling around in your head.
I don't hear laughter after watching movies like "The Blair Witch Project" or "Saw". Of course, if the bad guy has a really chilling or stupid laugh...
Do you get what I'm implying? You just need to tweak the sentence slightly.
I like a certain kind of movie in particular, the kind where the actors are only voices, breathing life into characters that only exist on screen.
Instead of all those words, you could have used just four. -- I like "ABC" movies (ABC = genre).
love at age eleven with Nemo, Marlin, Dory, and their underwater world
along with everyone elseThe act was like breathing, but as breaths the drawings crystallized fast and fell.
I don't like the simile. I also think there is something wrong with the sentence. I can't seem to point out where.
You don't seem to stick with the conventions of paragraphing. Despite that, I enjoyed reading this essay. It has a nice theme...good luck!
They lie inert in forgotten pages of school handouts and sketchbooks.
You have some great sentences...
This is very good writing, obviously. It is no surprise that you are not afraid to defy convention, because you are good at this stuff. However, a thesis statement is like an arrow you shoot through the dragon's heart. No thesis statement, no dragon for dinner.
As I read, my mind works hard to remember all the sentences of the first paragraph, and the second, and I have to keep them all in mind, because I am waiting to find out what the point of it all might be. That is why you need to revise so that there is one sentence (somewhere near the end of the first para or in the second para) that tells the reader concisely what this is all about. Then, the reader can say, "Ah, I see what this is about," and continue to read with a clear mind.
So... I have no criticism for your writing; it's great! But add that powerful sentence that can kill a dragon.
Hi.
I like you essay very much. It seems to flow, it is the kind of essay that follow a person's nature train of thoughts.
This sentence is particularly good:
I like a certain kind of movie in particular, the kind where the actors are only voices, breathing life into characters that only exist on screen.
This is something I can strongly relate to. Voices are images, or symbols, that you can readily associate to when you recall a character in a film, and I think (correct me) through this essay you want to say that the characters lack the kind of images that truly represents themselves and you want to make them better.
The problem is that your essay flows so well that it does not have a strong 'punch'. The punch you intended probably started from "They were flat...", and extends to the next two para. But they seemed to lack something that is strong enough to wake me up, someone reading a thousand essays a day may just miss that, and you won't want that to happen.
So, ya, like Kelvin said, try to put somewhere in your essay a thesis, strong enough to catch the attention of the reader. I personally think (so it may not be right ;p) a thesis does not have to be in the beginning of the para but anywhere you think it fits. It can even be some kind of emotion when you ask yourself
Did they have somewhere to stride towards, a final destination where their feelings and actions could reach out and touch audiences? Did they have something to become?
Do you feel angry that they lacked these? Or frustrated? Any form of strong emotion will make the reader aware, and question themselves naturally what is going on.
G L~
EF_Kevin, zengrz, thank you so so much for the feedback! I very deeply appreciate it.
Both of your comments helped so much I cannot find the words to properly express my gratitude.
@EF_KevinAs I read, my mind works hard to remember all the sentences of the first paragraph, and the second, and I have to keep them all in mind, because I am waiting to find out what the point of it all might be. That is why you need to revise so that there is one sentence (somewhere near the end of the first para or in the second para) that tells the reader concisely what this is all about. Then, the reader can say, "Ah, I see what this is about," and continue to read with a clear mind.
I understand what you are getting at! I will definitely endeavor to fix it. In fact in my AP Writing class, a fellow classmate pointed out that she was also waiting throughout the essay for a connection, but it did not occur to me then as something to tweak.
(P.S. I'm still new to this place...do we continue posting edits here for feedback? )
@zengrzBut they seemed to lack something that is strong enough to wake me up, someone reading a thousand essays a day may just miss that, and you won't want that to happen.
Very true! Must keep that in mind.
Do you feel angry that they lacked these? Or frustrated? Any form of strong emotion will make the reader aware, and question themselves naturally what is going on.
I was (and am, a bit) particularly frustrated with that fact. I'll try to see what I can do to emphasize that.
Once more, thank you both very much for helping to improve this essay :')
