Hello
I am japanese and I want the help of all of you
Please
The restrooms in my school are always kept clean. I always wondered about the mysterious elves behind our clean toilets. One day, I saw an elderly person who was cleaning restroom. I couldn't help but stared for a moment, trying to pretend not to see as he puts his hands in the dirty toilet bowl and started to wipe the entire stool without any hesitation.
I started to wonder and asked him whether he enjoys his job.He looked up at me and said "Young man, sometimes you must put your hands in unimaginable places to make a living. That is the life". One year as the vice leader of the school cleaning committee made me ponder about what the work truly means.
The work of cleaning Committee is dirty and tiring. The job description forces me to go to the dumpsite and separate all the garbage accordingly. Putting my hand into garbage bags every day made me questions about my close friends who throw away garbage without any consideration.I did not have any profit whose I felt lonely and depressed as no one truly understand how much effort we dedicate into keeping the school clean and did not understand why I did such a thing for. In beginning of the work in the dumpsites, I sensed a gap between other people and I started to dislike myself
Since I spoke that old man, I realize that it is not necessary to be ashamed of my duties. Work does not discrimination if we take pride in what we do. And if what our work makes a difference in our society. I am sure that I must do my best. It is the best way to make use of the experience to next work. It does not matter how another person thinks about me and my work. Nobody can't expect that how does work lead to oneself in the future so I have to trust that what I do the work now become "dots" like story of The late Steve Jobs once said you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. The scene whose that elderly man work taught me that. Gradually, I was able to find pride towards my work.
If you can't become to be the flower, you should become soil to make bloom. Nobody can't expect that how does work lead to oneself in the future so I have to trust that what I do the work now become "dots" like story of Steve jobs.
And, the restroom in my school is clean today. Maybe, that man work today. In the future, I should keep striving my work with a fresh sense of responsibility.
Hi, i couldn't finish all the corrections but will do later if you still need help. There is a lot of mistake with your tense. Maybe do an exhaustive correction on just your tense and then later review your content. Speaking of which, content is good but try writing more dramatically, you know, use more "sophisticated" words. Vocabulary isn't too important but it helps.
Some corrections:
but stared for - but stare for
as he puts his - as he put his
and ask him - and asked him (assuming you did ask him)
ponder about what work - ponder what work (Maybe if you write" what true work really means", it has a better effect on the readers)
I wanted to work at for a more important position and preferably received praised from teachers and - I wanted to be and work at a more important position and preferably receive praise from teachers....(this line sounds a bit awkward)
and I despise myself - despised
Hope this helped
Good luck
Thank you！
I am international student so I don't understand "essay"well.
How can my essay become dramatic??
I need your help！
Hi kikuchi, I'm a Japanese international student, too!!
I think your essay is well organized and to the point, and I was able to understand your thesis clearly. If I can give you some suggestions, I'd like you to add more details such as date of your meeting with the old man, scent of the toilet, and so on. By doing it, your essay can be more vivid and exciting! In addition, I find some grammatical errors in your essay. I think you need someone who is native English speaker like ALT to correct these errors. But, it's a just my suggestion. You don't have to worry about it too much because your essay is good just as it is. Good luck!
I'd appreciate if you would help me. Please leave a comment about my essay!
Hi, I understand what you are trying to convey but you should definitely work on your structure. They are not very well organized.
And your opening paragraph should be improved because no one would actually wonder why the toilets are clean. We are know for sure that there are cleaners cleaning them. So try to switch to a more impressive and realistic opening.
Chong is right. The opening is a bit weak. Why don't you give the readers a vivid imagination of the Janitor? Give him a shape where your essay will be based. Make him sympathetic, yet mysterious. And then include the conversation you had with him, in which you first realize the enigma of work.
I hope this all makes sense. Try doing a revision and i can look it up again.
Good luck :)
kakariさん
ありがとう
あとであなたのエッセーもじっくり読ませていただきますね
大いに参考になる意見Thank you！
You've written a compelling essay. I'm not strong on grammer, but a couple of things to possibly change:
1) I couldn't help but stared for a moment... do you mean "stare"
2)...I wanted to work at for a more important position and preferably received praised from... Delete at, a comma after position, and remove d from praised?
3) I could not understand nor comprehend the purpose of my work and soon began to hate everything about it. Very negative modify.
4) I did not make any profit from this job and after a while, I felt lonely I did not profit from this job. After a while...
Best of luck!
Thank you for Chong's help
I see. I try improve intro
menukagrg
Thank you so much!!!!!!
your advice is the perfcet for me
Brian
Thank you
I check them and now am thinking about them!!!
NEW INTRO
The restrooms in my school are always kept clean. I always wondered about the mysterious elves behind our clean toilets. One day, when I entered the restroom, the strong smell of the detergent and fricative sound of brush took me, and then I saw an elderly person who stooped to clean the toilet. His clothes were terribly dirty in comparing with the clean restroom but oddly, his eyes were never to be somber. I couldn't help but stared for a moment, while trying to pretend not to see as he put his hands in the dirty toilet bowl and started to wipe the entire stool without any hesitation. I started to wonder and asked him whether he enjoyed his job. "What a dumb question?" I thought to myself. But, he smiled, looked up at me and said: "Young man, sometimes you must put your hands in unimaginable places to make a living. That's work". This is one of the unforgettable encounters I had when I was doing activities of our school's' cleaning committee. The one year, doing the activities as the vice president of the committee to which I was assigned, made me ponder what work truly means.
