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an aspiring student, Why are you considering Stony Brook University?


iluvskool18 1 / -  
Feb 16, 2010   #1
First off, being the first person to attend college in my family, I believe Stony Brook University has all the benefits that an aspiring student has that will aid me in pursuing my education to further succeed in life.

This what I've started with so far. Can anyone please help me with this. I really want to get into this fine institution. I'd really appreciate it. Thanks.
BORE 2 / 8  
Feb 16, 2010   #2
i dont knw much about that univesity,what i can say to u is that u ar on the right track ,dont loose it.is not about the university;is all about ur attitude towards ur success .if u want to acheive a lot let it not be the university but u as a person and a reason of achievement.wish u good luck
linmark 2 / 328 7  
Feb 16, 2010   #3
Hi Fatima, Your starting line has great potential. You now need to find out what amongst ALL Stony Brook's benefits are the most important for you to succeed in life. This will require you to find out more about the school's various departments and course offerings. You also may have to do some soul-searching into what you want to do (and it's OK if you can't decide or don't really know YET, that's why you want to go to university - to find out, duhh.)

I believe Stony Brook University WILL INSPIRE has all the benefits that an aspiring studentS LIKE has that will aid me TO PURSUE AN EDUCATION in pursuing my education to TO further succeed in life.

For some reason, I cannot get the PREVIEW option to work, so apologize if this came out garbled.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 17, 2010   #4
It's interesting to compare this with what you wrote right after it. This sentence has lots of words, and it's too complex. But look at how great these sentences are:

This what I've started with so far. Can anyone please help me with this. I really want to get into this fine institution. I'd really appreciate it. Thanks. This is powerful, simple writing! This is the authenticity readers appreciate.

I think that is why Linmark simplified it.

However, the sentence does not really say anything except that you are the first n your family to go to college. It says that, and it says you believe this school is good, but that is not saying much. You need to think of a theme for the essay. What is the reason you find this school to be so exciting? Why is it better to pursue your chosen major here instead of somewhere else?


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