Please help with revision. And also feel free to critique as much as you need to. Thanks =]
Assembling my list of colleges has been an extremely difficult task, but Swarthmore College was one college that I didn't have to think long and hard about. I attended a high school with eighty six students in my graduating class. After my freshmen year I knew every face I saw in the hallway and every personality there was at my school. After a few months every student was basically locked in to who they were, what they were like, and who their friends were. It was extremely difficult if not impossible to reinvent yourself. Although it could sometimes be comforting to know everyone around you, sometimes it was also just plain annoying. Following four years of living this every day, I want a change. At Swarthmore College with a total student body of about one thousand five hundred students this change will be possible without being too extreme as it would be at a large university.
I will be able to find who I really am and who I want to be. With such a small high school there were also not many options concerning what I could do. There were very little clubs or sports. With one fall sport, one winter sport, and three spring sports my options were very limited. While at Swarthmore College with eleven women sport options and one hundred fifty nine club options I can really test the waters and find what best fits me.
While I'm going into college undeclared, I know what field I want to go into in the near future. I plan to go into the sciences and possibly if I find a real passion for it: medical school. Swarthmore's medical school acceptance rate in 2004 was ninety two percent, meaning that by going to Swarthmore College I would be on the fast track to medical school. Plus, the science department receives a lot of emphasis at Swarthmore College and the biology department is one of the three biggest majors at Swarthmore. Swarthmore is the perfect mix of a small liberal arts school with all the science opportunities of a large university; the perfect mix for me.
You're a great fit for Swarthmore! This is a great essay that shows your sincere interest for the school. From reading this, it seems like you'd be a perfect addition to Swarthmore's student body. Here are just a few things that caught my eye:
"eighty six" = "eighty-six"
"just plain annoying" shows your voice, but is a little colloquial
"While I'm going into college undeclared, I know what field I want to go into in the near future. I plan to go into the sciences and possibly if I find a real passion for it: medical school. Swarthmore's medical school acceptance rate in 2004 was ninety two percent, meaning that by going to Swarthmore College I would be on the fast track to medical school."
It seems like you do, in fact, know what you want to do. I understand what you're saying here, but I actually think it's in your best interest to play up your interest in med. instead of going undeclared.
Good luck to you! I'm applying to Swarthmore, too :)
Thanks so much! And good luck to you too! =]
You can remove the word "that"
...was one college that I didn't have to think long and hard about.
I attended a high school with eighty-six students...
in my graduating class. After my freshmen ...just plain annoying. Following four years of living this every day, I want a change. --I don't think this content should be included. It is not a reason to attend this particular school. It is just a reason to want to go to college and recreate yourself. Know what I mean?
This is the most important part:
I plan to go into the sciences and, possibly, if I find a real passion for it, medical school.
(Notice the way I used commas above.) Now... revise the essay to show why Swarthmore is the best choice for someone with an interest in science and medicine. Furthermore, add definition to the impression you make by mentioning a few medical specializations that might interest you. Mention a few article you have recently read.
:-)
