Hello I'm applying for several privates and several UC's. About 6-7 each. I wrote two essays and I'm having trouble determining which essay I should use for which application. Both need to be edited thoroughly though so harsh criticisms are appreciated. :) The prompts for both are very flexible.
For UC's it is: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
For Common App it is choose your own topic so depending on the essay I choose I will either use the prompt: Can someone please review my essay please? I chose the prompt: Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
or Option #1. Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
Here are my 2 essays:
1My world is a slice of a pie; it encompasses the essence of all that the world has to offer, at least as far as I have witnessed. I must emphasize the word "believe." After all, I have only seen one slice of the pie. I cannot truly "know" what the other side has to offer me until I cut into it. For now I can use my best judgment and assume that the other side is made with an apple filling but it can be boysenberry for all I know. High school has only been my first nibble into the pie of life and I intend to devour the whole thing then lick the pan. Each gram of fat and each serving of fruit have offered me something different but in the end it is how I interpret the collective taste that will truly shape my outlooks.
My physical location is nothing more than the pie pan; it is the fruit and syrup that is worth mentioning in my food critique. I live in a mainly Asian community where I fell into the sea of creatures known as, the grade suckers. Although the cutthroat, grade sucker may come in a variety of forms, they all share common characteristics. They have a list of extracurricular activities that can breakdown a printer, they have an undying need to obtain the hardest classes they possibly can just because NOT taking these courses will make them unworthy in the eyes of the UC gods, and they have the grade-pinching abilities that a crab would be envious of. Though my freshman self had fallen victim to this role, I have been lucky enough to find redemption through Leo Club. Leo Club is the home that has molded me in my high school years. Though many of the Leo officers have fallen into the grade pinching phase at one point, they have all proven that caring about your future does not need to turn you into a heartless heathen. I have met countless people in this club who have maintained upscale grades in competitive classes while also being the type to extend a helping hand to the clueless freshmen. As an obese, Asian girl, I was one of those awkward newbies who cursed my assailants. The Leos were the first to bring me in and offer me a haven from the hectic high school world. I have never stopped looking up to my Leo mentors even after their departure to college. In fact, I too have taken a position on the board. I have set my heart on filling the shoes they left, to set an example for others like and unlike myself. Like the seniors have done for me, I aspire to inspire the future generations of Leos but not just the ones from this slice of pie. I hope to spread the joy of the Leo Legacy. I will evolve from a Leo to a Lion, from a small-town girl to an international figure. My current location may be defined by a slice, but I know that my destiny is not only to taste the rest of the pie but to add my own flare to it.
2 What do we need to make a good friend? Well nothing more than a mouth, a ear, a bagel, and a slow toaster. At a local church and makeshift soup-kitchen, I felt my time in the trenches growing short when my bread-making militia had miscalculated the bagel to toast ratio. Right then a middle-aged man with scraggly hair and a limp came up and asked for a bagel. I told him politely that it would be a few minutes for it to toast. With a strange accent he asked me my name and I told him: "It's Vivian." From then on it was, "No! I want VIVIAN to give me the bagel." or VIVIAN to pour him the cereal and butter his toast. At the end of each task he would grin and say "THANK YOU VIVIAN." in almost a sickly, sweet tone. From one of the employees I learned that the man's name was Mike. On slower days I began to engage Mike in conversation. Needless to say, he was never boring. I heard stories about his past and his "unfortunate circumstances" (from my observations: a stroke) that had led to his current position. As sad as his stories were all I could do was nod and give him my best wishes.
I missed two months of service when medical appointments and summer affairs conflicted with the church's schedule. In my senior year, I attended a Drucker workshop where the speaker told us his story about two little girls who asked him for food. He called it his Jesse and Lizzie story. The point is that although he gave the girls food and toys, nothing he did would affect the girls in the long run. He did good, but not good-well. He then asked us to think of our Jesse and Lizzie story and my mind ran to Mike. What would I have to do to make his life significantly different? Did I need to raise money? Become a doctor perhaps? The workshop had taught me to ask my customer what he or she wanted so I went looking for Mike the next week. He smirked at my questions and told me I had done plenty. I spoke to him, acknowledged him, and allowed him to pass on a piece of himself. At the moment, it was not the most satisfying response but upon reflection he has made a point. His words and memories had resonated in me and hopefully mine in him. The hands of a teenager are limited by various factors. Though I will not stop trying to fundraise or pursue a physician's career, I have learned to remember that sometimes the best thing someone can do is make friends by offering that simple smile and ear (maybe that bagel and toaster too.)
Which essay should I use for which app? Should I use neither? What changes need to be made?
Thank you very much for your help!
For UC's it is: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
For Common App it is choose your own topic so depending on the essay I choose I will either use the prompt: Can someone please review my essay please? I chose the prompt: Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
or Option #1. Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
Here are my 2 essays:
1My world is a slice of a pie; it encompasses the essence of all that the world has to offer, at least as far as I have witnessed. I must emphasize the word "believe." After all, I have only seen one slice of the pie. I cannot truly "know" what the other side has to offer me until I cut into it. For now I can use my best judgment and assume that the other side is made with an apple filling but it can be boysenberry for all I know. High school has only been my first nibble into the pie of life and I intend to devour the whole thing then lick the pan. Each gram of fat and each serving of fruit have offered me something different but in the end it is how I interpret the collective taste that will truly shape my outlooks.
My physical location is nothing more than the pie pan; it is the fruit and syrup that is worth mentioning in my food critique. I live in a mainly Asian community where I fell into the sea of creatures known as, the grade suckers. Although the cutthroat, grade sucker may come in a variety of forms, they all share common characteristics. They have a list of extracurricular activities that can breakdown a printer, they have an undying need to obtain the hardest classes they possibly can just because NOT taking these courses will make them unworthy in the eyes of the UC gods, and they have the grade-pinching abilities that a crab would be envious of. Though my freshman self had fallen victim to this role, I have been lucky enough to find redemption through Leo Club. Leo Club is the home that has molded me in my high school years. Though many of the Leo officers have fallen into the grade pinching phase at one point, they have all proven that caring about your future does not need to turn you into a heartless heathen. I have met countless people in this club who have maintained upscale grades in competitive classes while also being the type to extend a helping hand to the clueless freshmen. As an obese, Asian girl, I was one of those awkward newbies who cursed my assailants. The Leos were the first to bring me in and offer me a haven from the hectic high school world. I have never stopped looking up to my Leo mentors even after their departure to college. In fact, I too have taken a position on the board. I have set my heart on filling the shoes they left, to set an example for others like and unlike myself. Like the seniors have done for me, I aspire to inspire the future generations of Leos but not just the ones from this slice of pie. I hope to spread the joy of the Leo Legacy. I will evolve from a Leo to a Lion, from a small-town girl to an international figure. My current location may be defined by a slice, but I know that my destiny is not only to taste the rest of the pie but to add my own flare to it.
2 What do we need to make a good friend? Well nothing more than a mouth, a ear, a bagel, and a slow toaster. At a local church and makeshift soup-kitchen, I felt my time in the trenches growing short when my bread-making militia had miscalculated the bagel to toast ratio. Right then a middle-aged man with scraggly hair and a limp came up and asked for a bagel. I told him politely that it would be a few minutes for it to toast. With a strange accent he asked me my name and I told him: "It's Vivian." From then on it was, "No! I want VIVIAN to give me the bagel." or VIVIAN to pour him the cereal and butter his toast. At the end of each task he would grin and say "THANK YOU VIVIAN." in almost a sickly, sweet tone. From one of the employees I learned that the man's name was Mike. On slower days I began to engage Mike in conversation. Needless to say, he was never boring. I heard stories about his past and his "unfortunate circumstances" (from my observations: a stroke) that had led to his current position. As sad as his stories were all I could do was nod and give him my best wishes.
I missed two months of service when medical appointments and summer affairs conflicted with the church's schedule. In my senior year, I attended a Drucker workshop where the speaker told us his story about two little girls who asked him for food. He called it his Jesse and Lizzie story. The point is that although he gave the girls food and toys, nothing he did would affect the girls in the long run. He did good, but not good-well. He then asked us to think of our Jesse and Lizzie story and my mind ran to Mike. What would I have to do to make his life significantly different? Did I need to raise money? Become a doctor perhaps? The workshop had taught me to ask my customer what he or she wanted so I went looking for Mike the next week. He smirked at my questions and told me I had done plenty. I spoke to him, acknowledged him, and allowed him to pass on a piece of himself. At the moment, it was not the most satisfying response but upon reflection he has made a point. His words and memories had resonated in me and hopefully mine in him. The hands of a teenager are limited by various factors. Though I will not stop trying to fundraise or pursue a physician's career, I have learned to remember that sometimes the best thing someone can do is make friends by offering that simple smile and ear (maybe that bagel and toaster too.)
Which essay should I use for which app? Should I use neither? What changes need to be made?
Thank you very much for your help!