Hello I'm applying for several privates and several UC's. About 6-7 each. I wrote two essays and I'm having trouble determining which essay I should use for which application. Both need to be edited thoroughly though so harsh criticisms are appreciated. :) The prompts for both are very flexible.
For UC's it is: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
For Common App it is choose your own topic so depending on the essay I choose I will either use the prompt: Can someone please review my essay please? I chose the prompt: Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
or Option #1. Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
Here are my 2 essays:
1My world is a slice of a pie; it encompasses the essence of all that the world has to offer, at least as far as I have witnessed. I must emphasize the word "believe." After all, I have only seen one slice of the pie. I cannot truly "know" what the other side has to offer me until I cut into it. For now I can use my best judgment and assume that the other side is made with an apple filling but it can be boysenberry for all I know. High school has only been my first nibble into the pie of life and I intend to devour the whole thing then lick the pan. Each gram of fat and each serving of fruit have offered me something different but in the end it is how I interpret the collective taste that will truly shape my outlooks.
My physical location is nothing more than the pie pan; it is the fruit and syrup that is worth mentioning in my food critique. I live in a mainly Asian community where I fell into the sea of creatures known as, the grade suckers. Although the cutthroat, grade sucker may come in a variety of forms, they all share common characteristics. They have a list of extracurricular activities that can breakdown a printer, they have an undying need to obtain the hardest classes they possibly can just because NOT taking these courses will make them unworthy in the eyes of the UC gods, and they have the grade-pinching abilities that a crab would be envious of. Though my freshman self had fallen victim to this role, I have been lucky enough to find redemption through Leo Club. Leo Club is the home that has molded me in my high school years. Though many of the Leo officers have fallen into the grade pinching phase at one point, they have all proven that caring about your future does not need to turn you into a heartless heathen. I have met countless people in this club who have maintained upscale grades in competitive classes while also being the type to extend a helping hand to the clueless freshmen. As an obese, Asian girl, I was one of those awkward newbies who cursed my assailants. The Leos were the first to bring me in and offer me a haven from the hectic high school world. I have never stopped looking up to my Leo mentors even after their departure to college. In fact, I too have taken a position on the board. I have set my heart on filling the shoes they left, to set an example for others like and unlike myself. Like the seniors have done for me, I aspire to inspire the future generations of Leos but not just the ones from this slice of pie. I hope to spread the joy of the Leo Legacy. I will evolve from a Leo to a Lion, from a small-town girl to an international figure. My current location may be defined by a slice, but I know that my destiny is not only to taste the rest of the pie but to add my own flare to it.
2 What do we need to make a good friend? Well nothing more than a mouth, a ear, a bagel, and a slow toaster. At a local church and makeshift soup-kitchen, I felt my time in the trenches growing short when my bread-making militia had miscalculated the bagel to toast ratio. Right then a middle-aged man with scraggly hair and a limp came up and asked for a bagel. I told him politely that it would be a few minutes for it to toast. With a strange accent he asked me my name and I told him: "It's Vivian." From then on it was, "No! I want VIVIAN to give me the bagel." or VIVIAN to pour him the cereal and butter his toast. At the end of each task he would grin and say "THANK YOU VIVIAN." in almost a sickly, sweet tone. From one of the employees I learned that the man's name was Mike. On slower days I began to engage Mike in conversation. Needless to say, he was never boring. I heard stories about his past and his "unfortunate circumstances" (from my observations: a stroke) that had led to his current position. As sad as his stories were all I could do was nod and give him my best wishes.
I missed two months of service when medical appointments and summer affairs conflicted with the church's schedule. In my senior year, I attended a Drucker workshop where the speaker told us his story about two little girls who asked him for food. He called it his Jesse and Lizzie story. The point is that although he gave the girls food and toys, nothing he did would affect the girls in the long run. He did good, but not good-well. He then asked us to think of our Jesse and Lizzie story and my mind ran to Mike. What would I have to do to make his life significantly different? Did I need to raise money? Become a doctor perhaps? The workshop had taught me to ask my customer what he or she wanted so I went looking for Mike the next week. He smirked at my questions and told me I had done plenty. I spoke to him, acknowledged him, and allowed him to pass on a piece of himself. At the moment, it was not the most satisfying response but upon reflection he has made a point. His words and memories had resonated in me and hopefully mine in him. The hands of a teenager are limited by various factors. Though I will not stop trying to fundraise or pursue a physician's career, I have learned to remember that sometimes the best thing someone can do is make friends by offering that simple smile and ear (maybe that bagel and toaster too.)
Which essay should I use for which app? Should I use neither? What changes need to be made?
Thank you very much for your help!
Wow... Before I critique I must say that I wish I could write personal literature with the skill you write with. Both essays were cute, honest, heartfelt, and best of all made me either smile or laugh (here's a virtual gold star). I felt like you were talking to me. After I finished the second one I thought "Well foowey, why didn't IIII ever volunteer at a soup kitchen during high school??" Your friendly writing style reflects your career choice. Being a physician should fit you quite well based upon the impression your essays gave me.
You should write a memoir someday when you have the time..and publish it! :)
The first essay would work for the UC prompt or the common App option #1.
The second essay would also work for either of the above prompts. If it only discussed one person, it would work exceptionally well for the common App prompt: Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
So either one would work for the prompts you mention because (UC and option #1), as you said, they are so flexible.
Whichever essay you end up choosing for the UC prompt though, you need to also answer the question "What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud?" I didn't see this question answered in either essay.
Essay 1:
Big picture stuff:
1. Great job taking a cliche metaphor and making it unique with your personal touch. The ideas all relate to each other nicely.
2. "The Leos were the first to bring me in and offer me a haven from the hectic high school world. / I have never stopped looking up to my Leo mentors even after their departure to college."
Start a conclusion paragraph with the second sentence. Then you won't have the huge, daunting paragraph (the para. densities will be balanced), and you will have an official conclusion para. as you had an official intro para.
3. "Though my freshman self had fallen victim to this role, I have been lucky enough to find redemption through Leo Club."
Tenses!! Tense changes such as this one must be avoided. You continually and unnecessarily change tenses in this essay. If it is past tense, keep it in the past tense. This applies to all tenses. You do a fine job with tenses in the 1st paragraph of the second essay, but everywhere else you change it so much that it disrupts and confuses the reader.
4. To-be verbs- work on eliminating them. For example, the sentence above could be changed to this: Though my freshman self fell victim to this role, I found redemption through Leo Club. This sentence is more concise and avoids the clutter and blandness of dead to-be verbs. You notice I also corrected the tense problem.
Para 1:
1. "it encompasses the essence of all that the world has to offer, at least as far as I have witnessed."
This is a conflicting statement because you say the piece of pie represents all the world has to offer AND the little it has offered you. Then later you say that the whole pie represents all that the world has to offer. Also I would replace "far" and "witnessed" with your metaphor's terms, such as "much" and "tasted/eaten." Otherwise the metaphor is disrupted.
2. "I intend to devour the whole thing, then lick the pan" ha, love it. I normally would pick on the word "thing" but it gives the sentence a lot of character and fits the essay's casual tone.
3. "I must emphasize the word "believe." After all, I have only seen one slice of the pie."
I sort of get what you are trying to say but it's pretty fuzzy. "Must" also implies that you have already used the word "believe", or that you will be using the word believe again later (to "emphasize" it).
4. "known as, the grade suckers."- I think "the grade suckers" needs quotation marks, but double check on that.
Essay 2:
In the big picture, you need a separate, short intro para. that reflects the all around theme presented in your essay, like the one you describe at the conclusion of the essay. One that has a thesis which specifically answers the prompt and reflects the body. In the 2nd para. you need to take some amount of the last half and separate it into your concluding para. Your 1st essay has the type of intro and focus that this essay needs.
1st para:
1. "good"- Replace this blasphemous taboo word with a gooder adjective. :)
2. "a ear" should be "an ear"
3. "At a local church" should be "in a..." or "Volunteering in an..." It'll flow better with the rest of the sentence.
4. "strange accent"- Strange in what way? It would be great if you could use one or a couple carefully chosen adjectives to describe the sound of the accent.
5. "bagel." or VIVIAN to pour him"
This sentence needs a transition between the dialogue structure and the...non dialogue structure. Introduce the second part of the sentence by saying "or he wanted VIVIAN to..." It's either that or continue the dialogue structure.
6. "in almost a sickly, sweet tone." Delete "almost."
2nd para:
1. "I missed two months of service when medical appointments and summer affairs conflicted with the church's schedule." - Delete this, it's unnecessary.
2. "In my senior year"- Replace "in" with "during."
Overall your writing in its content and tone is incredibly engaging, vivid, touching and creative. You just need to work on structural and grammatical issues. You have a lot of to-be verbs and other dull verbs that should be deleted or improved. And fix the tense changes.
Sorry if any of my critique is disorganized or confusing. Just let me know.
I enjoyed reading and critiquing this, so thanks! The best of luck in your future. :)
Thank you very much for your help! Yeah my grammar is not a personal strong points especially when it comes to verb tenses. I really appreciate your comments :)
I don't think "aspire to inspire" is good...
It sounds silly, I guess. :-)
Though my freshman self had fallen victim to this role, I have been lucky enough to find redemption through Leo Club.----Right here, I think you should start a new paragraph.
I like the second essay a lot. I like the intro... very cool combinations of words.
With a strange accent --- Is this detail necessary? I think it complicates the meaning of the essay.
:-)
Thank you EF Kevin!
