The first time I saw a ball hurtling over the fence from my bat, I broke down and smiled. The relief and sense of accomplishment I felt were indescribable. Just a year before, I was playing benchwarmer. My body was sixty pounds heavier, and I was wondering if I would ever play in a varsity game. There I made the decision to put an end to my wondering, and used summer vacation to drop weight and train for baseball. My waist shrunk as my muscles grew, and the ball started flying farther. My first varsity game the following year I hit two home runs, and cemented a starting spot. Although I don't plan to continue playing competitively in college, my baseball experience has shaped my discipline and confidence off of the diamond, and the determination I've gained as a result of playing will help me excel as a business student.
I am applying to very selective schools, so please be harsh on my writing if needed. I want to improve. Thank you for comments!
" The relief and sense of accomplishment
Interesting response, I enjoyed this piece :)
Thanks a lot :)
Editing the response in the way you mentioned would put me over my word limit. Should I edit or just not worry bout the limit? (I'm over by two words).
Pretty good!
First sentence: "from" my bat...maybe choose a different word?
Everything else is great this is well written.
i'm going to be a little picky on this one. with the phrase "broke down and smiled", the two verbs almost contradict each other. "breaking down" usually means collapsing in tears of sorrow...so maybe try something like, "i fell to the floor, elated". (thats probably not the best way to put it, but you get the idea). and i don't quite understand that part that says "shaped my discipline off of the diamond"--perhaps clarify what "off of the diamond" is supposed to mean.
overall great job :)
good luck!
The relief and sense of accomplishment I felt were indescribable----this is a well structured sentence.
Just a year before earlier, I had been was playing the position of benchwarmer. My body had been was sixty pounds heavier, and I was had been wondering if I would ever play in a varsity game. There I made the decision to...
Nice!! Can you give an example of what you mean with that last statement about it helping you as a business student?