'a beach near Istanbul' - Williams supplemental essay

Hi,

I'm new to this forum. Williams' supplement essay question is the following:

Imagine looking through a window at any environment that is particularly significant to you. Reflect on the scene, paying close attention to the relation between what you are seeing and why it is meaningful to you. Please limit your statement to 300 words.

I was wondering if I could submit this:

Some time two summers ago, I was walking on a beach near Istanbul. The sand felt hot and soft between my toes. I observed my family. My grandmother was embracing my mother, as a mother would embrace her baby. I smiled. I feel honored for the heritage these women transmitted to me. A Turkish heritage. My family is who I am, without it I do not exist. My life is devoted to protect, respect, and love it. I study until I have no sense of my environment, until my eyes are blurry, until I contract an insurmountable headache for my family. My grandmother, Regam, welcomed my two-year-old mother, a product of an infidelity from my grandfather, with open arms. They were never wealthy. Regam used to create her children's outfits, to save everything to offer them a good education. At the age of eighteen, my mother moved from Istanbul to Paris with 80 dollars and without speaking a word of French. After three years, she was responsible of a night-club and got a degree in economics. From an early age, I was the secret holder of her past. It made me closer to her. My mother built her life to give back the kindness, the protection, and the tolerance Regam provided her. It is now my turn to sacrifice everything so that my mother can rest.

(226 words)

There might be some errors too.

Thank you!

It's intense, that's for sure. Your sincerity is on your side with this submission: it gives your motivation for college admission a feeling of selflessness and nobleness.


The sentence is awesome, but your intended meaning gets lost: to me, this sentence sounds like your studying gives your family a headache. You might want to break your vivid descriptions of studying and your connection to family commitment into two slightly more separated ideas.

That's my two cents for now. I enjoyed reading it!

Thank you! I'll try and see what I can do with it

Beautiful essay! A few suggestions:

-I feel like the essay bounces around a little too much for its length. Are you describing the environment, your family, or how being in Istanbul affected you?

-It may be a little too heavy on family history rather than how you've made your own history.


Change to: responsible for a nightclub


What is her secret past? Please clarify.


How are you sacrificing everything?

Great concept, just needs a bit of work. :) Good luck!

I think it is more a reflection of the scene and the significance of it to me. I'm going to try to make it clearer.

Thank you so much! I'll edit it and post it in this thread again

Some time two summers ago, I was walking on a beach near Istanbul. The sand felt hot and soft between my toes. I observed my family. My grandmother was embracing my mother, as a mother would embrace her baby. I smiled. This embrace reflects the closeness of our unity, a closeness that is part of our history, of who we are. This closeness characterizes us. I feel honored for the heritage these women transmitted to me. A Turkish heritage. My family is who I am, without it I do not exist. My life is devoted to protect, respect, and love it. I study until I have no sense of my environment, until I contract an insurmountable headache, until my eyes are blurry, for my family. My grandmother, Regam, welcomed my two-year-old mother, a product of an infidelity from my grandfather, with open arms. They were never wealthy. Regam used to create her children's outfits, to save everything to offer them a good education. At the age of eighteen, my mother moved from Istanbul to Paris with 80 dollars and without speaking a word of French. After three years, she became manager of a night-club and got a degree in economics. From an early age, I was the secret holder of her past, the years preceding my birth. Her past was unknown to anyone except her family in Turkey and me. It made me closer to her. My mother built her life to give back the kindness, the protection, and the tolerance Regam provided her. It is now my turn to sacrifice everything so my mother can rest.

I edited this for now. I feel like I cannot really specify what my sacrifice is though because my it will be determined by my future. My hours of study, getting an education is on the path of getting everything back to my mother for now in a way.