the life-changing choice
"Darkness filled my surroundings and all I could see was the nose of the gun, and the hand that held it steadily before me. Aimed directly at me, I knew that one of two outcomes was about occur as I was paralyzed by the view of the barrel. Life or death were the only two possible results of the situation I was in and death seemed to be my fate because I was unaware of any action I could take that would lead to my successful escape. Though outwardly frozen, on the inside I was burning with desire to get away from the death that stared me in the face. I desperately struggled to will my immobilized body into action and break away. I could not run, but managed to expel a loud and wordless cry for life. As the gun was slowly lowered, my head jolted up from my pillow as I sat up in sheets soaked with sweat and a racing heartbeat. It was just a dream but I knew I had a real, life-changing choice to make.
"You're withdrawing from four classes?" the admissions counselor asked with an emphatic tone on the word 'four'. Embarrassed, ashamed, and feeling like a complete failure I mumbled "yes" as I stood at the counter with my eyes depressed toward the ground. I handed him the four individual withdrawal slips and walked away with dichotomized emotions of shame and failure, yet also, hope and expectancy. I was choosing to obtain four consecutive W's on my collegiate transcript in exchange for the opportunity to seek treatment for the debilitating disease that had caused me to stare death head-on. I made the decision to walk away from the turmoil of the eating disorder I had known so well. Through treatment, I came into contact with people, for the first time in my life, who first-handedly knew the pain, torment, and struggle that accompanies the disease. These people provided me with validation, hope, and the strength necessary to fully recover from an addictive and powerful disease.
Fast forward two years to my present day reality and I am sitting at a coffee shop studying for a cellular biology class I'm taking at Austin Community College and steadily increasing my GPA. I receive a unique phone call that would provide me the opportunity to meet a young person who is currently struggling with an eating disorder. I am told she wants to meet someone who "has been there", and I humbly accept the invitation to meet with her. After an hour of real and raw conversation, she looks at me from the opposite side of the sofa we are sitting on sideways as to face one another. With tear-filled eyes, she said "thank you for giving me hope". I assured her that she had the strength to change her life, and that she did not have to do it alone.
The opportunity to converse with this young lady solidified my dreams and desires to use my life experiences in order to bring hope to others. I will do this through a degree in Nutritional Sciences and becoming licensed as a Registered Dietician before going on to a master's degree in Psychology. The human body's resilience astounds me, and I believe healing and wholeness begin with meeting the body's physical needs, which then paves the path for the mind and soul to follow. My life experiences have created an indescribable value for life and learning. I value my mind, body and soul, as well as, possess an electric desire and drive to succeed. These qualities in me are hungry for more opportunity than I currently have, thus, I am requesting transfer admission to the University of Texas. My purpose in life is to provide the opportunity for others to experience the hope and wholeness that I know to be so real. I will work to eradicate the existence of eating disorders in our world. To do this I need the most prestigious knowledge, tools, and instruction available, which is why I believe the University of Texas is the ideal education."You're a good writer, but this essay is way too scattered. In my opinion, you should get rid of the first paragraph - I do not see how it relates to the story. Its sole purpose seems to be to grab readers' attention, but in a way that would make them feel that they was cheated into reading. Maybe try to begin by describing very vividly your disorder. You have a very good reason to go into Nutritional Sciences and a solid first draft. Now add add a little more drama and imagery!
What if I change the first paragraph to better communicate that the CAUSED me to change the course of my life...(by withdrawing from school, seeking help, then returning to school and increasing my GPA)?
You are a very good writer. from my own pespectives, I think you should talk about your self, qualites, personal and professional goals and how the diversity at the school you are applying will be beneficial. Overall , you have a strong initiative... Goodluck
Please edit my essay, all comments are highly appreciated.
Thank you. Can you elaborate on what you mean by focusing on myself, qualities, and goals? I will look at your essay shortly. I'm also about to post my first draft for my "issue of importance" essay if ya'll wouldn't mind looking at it! :)
Overall, your essay is excellent. consider revising your last line. You can attach it to your previous line.
...I need to ascertain the most presitigous knowlegde, tools and instuctions and for me,University of texas is the best choice in accomplsihing my aims.
if you say u just need university of texas, it sounds a little ambigious...
Overall, your diction is very good and your essay is excellent. Good luck...
please help me and edit mine, the deadline isfast approaching....
