"becoming a successful businessman" - Why in attending the University of Notre Dame?

Please Help!!! Thank you!

For me, becoming a successful businessman is always the stepping stone in achieving my long term goal of helping the less fortunate. I believe University of Notre Dame is the place for me to receive a holistic education while pursuing my passion in business. The hybrid education system of Notre Dame is unparalleled. For first year, besides focusing on liberal arts education, Notre Dame provides students with the resources and curriculum to explore their interest towards specific careers. By attaching student to an advisor, students can make better choices when planning their education. Notre Dame provides student with a wide range of research opportunities. Centre for Social Concerns is a place that I would love to engage actively. The amount of emphasize on creating social awareness and attachment to the community really impressed me. I have faith that Notre Dame is the perfect university for me to furnish my dreams.

Your response was fine, but I thought it kinda came off generic. Maybe elaborate more on how Notre dames's research opportunities would be beneficial to you,because it kinda seems like things someone could have googled off their website. Though most schools are a sucker for mentioning something about their key principles of values such as like diversity or diligence.

hey
i think your response is good. but i agree with ^^ in saying that it kinda seems like you have copied it off their website. Try coming up with an actual reason, what really appeals to you? Is it the environment, the people, the setting? Even writing about the reputation of the college would not be as bad. Its perfectly alright if you want to attend a college, Notre Dame for example, because it is one of the best colleges in the world and that you will have plenty of opportunities because of its reputation...my sister wrote about Johns Hopkins's reputation and got in...so don't worry..and good luck

Don't forget to comment on my william and mary essay :)

This sounds a little like a brochure. Also, you need the word "the" before "first year." Instead of writing something that sounds like a brochure, write something about how the school will help you to achieve your unique goals. You can use this essay as an opportunity to show the reader that it is important for you to attend this school because its unique resources and professors will be perfect for helping you achieve your unique goals.

:-)