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'I began to finalize my own college list' - Why Carnegie?


123abc 1 / 5  
Dec 23, 2008   #1
Please submit a one-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program you are applying to.

As students sculpt their college lists, they research every aspect of the colleges before deciding to apply. After months of traveling and visiting colleges around the nation I began to sculpt my own college list. As I first stepped onto Cornell campus, I instantly fell in love; I knew at that moment that Cornell was where I belonged. I feel that Cornell is the place where I can evolve into the person and professional I aspire to be. Cornell harbors brilliant professors and a diverse student body that I know will stimulate me to be my best. Whether through academics or engagement with peers, surrounded by endless inspiration, I know that at Cornell I will be stimulated to be my best.

From a young age, I have been captivated by engineering: I would always find myself spending countless hours in a quiet room, playing with Lego Bricks. Alone, I would masterfully design and govern these pieces of plastic into battles scenes or metropolises petrified in time. Every day, I would want to create something new, something unprecedented. This is where my love for engineering emerged from. In high school, I began to expand my horizons and explore the world of engineering and what it could offer. Classes such as my honors Engineering Science class have only fed my passion for engineering.

In all frankness, I aspire to be a patent lawyer, not just an engineer. Nevertheless, I realized that I needed the right technical and specialized engineering skills if I wanted to pursue a career in law; specifically the occupation of a patent lawyer. Given my strength in mathematics and science, engineering seemed the best field of study for me. Although I am strongly interested, I felt that an engineering background would be a solid stepping stone towards a career in law; the methodical and systematic techniques in engineering bolster decision-making and priceless innovation. I hope to earn a degree and continue on to law school, a process that I know that will take some time but I am prepared to face each and every challenge with dedication, perseverance and integrity.

The thought of being able to be involved in the process of which vaguely-supple and soft dream of inventors become realities is purely amazing. I love people and I want to work for people and I want the people I love to be happy. I have always had a heart to serve people, people in the different countries or community and I believe that becoming a patent lawyer with help me collaborate the two worlds I love, science and service.

Cornell is not only a beautiful and captivating environment but an institution with a rich history. As a second generation Korean American student, I feel that I have much to offer to the cultural pallet of Cornell. Cornell's history, student life, athletics and cultural life are unique among the Ivy Leagues and I, like many others appreciate this. Ultimately, I feel the urge to call Cornell home not only because it has captured the very essence of my passion to learn but because it feels just right.

I feel like I need to add some more details or info.
any suggestions?
Thank You

bhangra369 8 / 11  
Dec 23, 2008   #2
Just a matter of word choice here:

"Sculpt" should be changed to "finalize"----otherwise it sounds awkward.

Ultimately, I feel the urge to call CARNEGIE MELLON home----you said Columbia. That's kind of an eternal sin to write another college's name in your essay...

The rest is just teeny grammatical errors.

The actual content is fine. Good luck :)
OP 123abc 1 / 5  
Dec 23, 2008   #3
Haha thank you bhangra369
i must of been thinking about my next essay to much when i wrote Columbia.
I just changed it thanks

anyone else?
OP 123abc 1 / 5  
Dec 24, 2008   #4
i feel like i could more material into this.
any advice?
thank you
yee 6 / 39  
Dec 24, 2008   #5
It's a good essay overall, very descriptive. Try naming a specific college or program that especially appeals to you. Naming some of those renowned professors you mention can't hurt. But the language and word usage is solid. Gluck!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,337 129  
Dec 24, 2008   #6
It was then that I finally realized that I truly yearn to study engineering /science and to earn a degree at Carnegie Mellon.

As I first stepped onto the luscious green lawns of Carnegie Mellon and took a tour, I instantly fell in love with the college .

It is among the most distinguished educational environments set in an urban context that provides its students with numerous opportunities.

Science has intrigued me from the very beginning.

Since grade school, I enjoyed doing experiments, observing cells, solving problems related to machines.

Since, I wasn't into studying medicine, I realized that engineering would be the best place to continue to develop my interest in science.

Alone, I would masterfully design and govern these pieces of plastic into battles scenes or metropolises petrified in time, all built to my liking.

Every day, I would want to create something new, something unprecedented.

I hope to earn a degree and continue on to law school, a process that I know will take some time, but I am prepared to face each and every challenge with dedication, perseverance and integrity.

I think the essay is great, and I really like the part about the Legos!
Good luck!

:)

Kevin
OP 123abc 1 / 5  
Dec 24, 2008   #7
thank you Kevin.
i hope i get in, i just submitted my application.
vaibhav2614 4 / 7  
Dec 26, 2008   #8
I've seen your CMU essay and this essay. I'm afraid the two are really really similar. Colleges often say that if you can replace their name with another college, and the essay still makes sense, you are not doing a good job. Try to mention more specifics about the colllege in ur essay.. Since i'm applying to Cornell too, I'll give you some hints. Mention Project teams, the beautiful Ithaca setting, and AEWs.. That list should help u get started.

The essay, however, is pretty good. You probably want to make the content better.
debaterchick09 7 / 29  
Dec 26, 2008   #9
I really like this essay! One thing i noticed is "I love people and I want to work for people and I want the people I love to be happy" I would talke out the first and replace it with a comma. Maybe instead of work for people say provide service. That sentence just need some rearranging

Hope this helped a little :)
OP 123abc 1 / 5  
Dec 26, 2008   #10
debaterchick09
yes i see that i do need a comma there. thanks
thank you vaibhav2614
i was afraid of this too, right now i am personalizing my essay alittle bit more.
Cornell has word limit so what parts should revise/take out to help make up space.
any suggestions?
i know that need to spend more time to personalize the essay more towards a specific college.

thank you all for your input
OP 123abc 1 / 5  
Dec 26, 2008   #11
thank you all for your input but I already had all my essays recently looked at by a English major at Williams. Everything is good to go.

Thank you Essay Forum Moderators and Contributors.
You all have made my college applications process just alittle easier.
Hopefully, ill be posting soon some good news in a few months.

THANKS!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,337 129  
Dec 27, 2008   #12
Cornell harbors brilliant professors and a diverse student body that I know will stimulate me to be my best. Whether through academics or engagement with peers, surrounded by endless inspiration, I know that at Cornell I will be stimulated to be my best. maybe one of these could be changed to encouraged, perhaps?

Although I am strongly interested, I feel that an engineering background will be a solid stepping stone towards a career in law; the methodical and systematic techniques in engineering bolster decision-making and priceless innovation.

I have always had a heart to serve people, people from different countries or communities and I believe that becoming a patent lawyer will help me collaborate the two worlds I love, science and service.

Good luck!

:)


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