Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
My beginnings were humble. Although I was born in a small town in the south of India, I found myself equivocating between cities during the early stages of my life, until my family finally settled in Dubai, where I have now been living for over a decade.
Looking back at all these years makes me realize as to how much the world around me has shaped me. Right from my culture to ambitions, behavior to aspirations, the people around me have played an integral role in the forming of my decisions. As a result, the diversity of culture in me has expanded to greater multitudes, spreading all the way from the miscellany of languages in India, to the Bedouins, Camels and silky sands of the Arabian Peninsula. The world around me has been the chief potter in the molding and shaping of the clay pot which is me.
My world is not a large one. I am the only child of my parents, whom I live with, happily, as a small family. Despite this, my surroundings have never ceased to inspire me. My mother serves to be my biggest inspiration. Despite her chronic illness and pain, she manages to put on a cheerful face and never halted her efforts to motivate, inspire and push me towards greater heights. Words cannot describe the veneration I hold towards her and I cannot imagine life devoid of my mother. My father too has had a huge influence over me throughout these years. The exemplary character he displayed when recovering from a horrific accident a few years ago always serves to motivate me towards achieving greater successes in life, and I always look up to him during barren and delusive times.
Traditionally, Indians aim for the highest, be it education, business or sport. Hailing from such a background, I am no exception. Ever since middle school, I had developed a fascination towards physics and computers. Despite going through desolate times in early high school, whereupon my grades took a dip for the worse, my parents always stood by my side, helping, soothing and supporting me. With tremendous support from all sides, I slowly found myself being rescued from the seemingly bottomless abyss which I had gotten myself into. My passion for Computers and Physics grew stronger as time passed. With a resurgence of grades in the final year of school, coupled with achieving a personal best in computers, I now face a colossal dilemma, Engineering or Computer Science?
My parents have inspired me in more ways than one can imagine. The amount of support they have provided me with throughout these years is incomparable. Despite having professional degrees in accountancy only, my dad has never been rigid about my options, and has always allowed me to choose for myself. I aspire to become successful in the field I choose, be it engineering or computer science, and provide for my parents as they have provided for me throughout these years through relentless struggle and hard work. The world around me has truly shaped my personality and aspirations. I dream of being successful, happy and becoming the loving son that my parents can depend on in their future. I dream of breaking new grounds, exploring new areas, and more importantly, satisfying the needs of my parents.
The general flow is pretty good. Like your language.
I think it may be improved if you can provide a little bit more detail about your mom or dad's influence, for example a word they said that inspire you. And you might want to try not to sound pessimistic when you are talking about your experience indecisive in major choice.
With tremendous support from all sides, I slowly found myself being rescued from the seemingly bottomless abyss which I had gotten myself into.---this sound a little too bad, isn't it?
Generally speaking, good job!
Good luck with your application and PLZ help review mine, thanks!
Traditionally, Indians aim for the highest, be it education, business or sport. Hailing from such a background, I am no exception.
I understand what you're trying to do, but honestly, this sounds cocky and puts me off. Up to you if you want to leave it or not.
Ever since middle school, I had developed a fascination towards physics and computers. What happened in middle school that made you develop this fascination? Use that to replace this sentence. Don't turn it in to a sudden discovery or infatuation (i.e. "When I saw the monitor turn on for the first time, that's when I knew I was going to become a computer science major. ") but utilize that wonder! ("I was drawn to the flickering of the first monitor I encountered, countless lines of red blue and green, working seamlessly together to create new combinations." )
Despite going through desolate times in early high school, whereupon my grades took a dip for the worse, my parents always stood by my side, helping, soothing and supporting me. With tremendous support from all sides, I slowly found myself being rescued from the seemingly bottomless abyss which I had gotten myself into. My passion for Computers and Physics grew stronger as time passed. With a resurgence of grades in the final year of school, coupled with achieving a personal best in computers.
You have a detailed example in there waiting to happen. While you have a good story, it's lost in your mediocre explanation. Reflect on what those desolate times were, call upon the tremendous support, write the specifics down! Let the reader know what brought you down, and what subsequently brought you back up! What rescued you! How did your passion go stronger, did you see the inside of a computer and it just clicked, what happened! How did your grades resurge back up, did you look in the mirror and decide it's crunch time, did your parents get upset and it affected you, what happened? You can use this turning point to be a strong part in your essay!
This is a fantastically-written essay--it is evident that you are a good writer. However, if it is one thing I have learned over the past couple of months of constructing, reconstructing, and revising my essays (or, at least, trying to), it is that it is easier and much less overwhelming to write about one topic. This seems to be an essay with a jumble of facts about your life:
"My beginnings were humble." then all of a sudden, you're talking about living in Dubai and about "culture and ambitions" and the "miscellany of languages" throughout India. Then you moved onto you parents, who "never ceased to inspire [you]" and followed that with your "fascination towards physics and computers" . What is intriguing, but also confusing, is that you returned to the idea that your parents have inspired and therefore influenced you greatly in your endeavors at the end of your essay.
Given the fact that you talked about your parents inspiring you twice, I think that this would be a topic that would be worth writing an entire essay about because it is evidently a very important topic to you.
Best of luck to you.
