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Competitive World; MIT essay _ Describe the world you come from


MiaB 8 / 25  
Dec 26, 2012   #1
Hello ;

Here's my reponse to this MIT essay question :

Describe the world you come from; for example, your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations?(*)

I live in a very competitive environment. Indeed, most of my classmates are really determined to work as hard as possible to be "the best"; which makes reaching this so-desired position really hard. In general, that's the way my high school works: you either are excellent, or nothing; "good" or "average" don't provide much for a student. In fact, as it is a French school located abroad, the non-French students that attend it were selected based upon their results on an admission exam (that I myself had to take before entering my 9th grade in Cairo). This system sets the bar pretty high. Besides, my parents have, as well, always pushed me to head the top. Thus, this world has led me to always dream big, and has provided me with a very strong will to always go forehead. I am, therefore, not afraid of shooting the moon; and it's in this spirit that I've chosen to apply for MIT.

Winston Churchill once said: "Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts." This quote has always been of a great inspiration; it epitomizes one set of values that matter a lot to me, and that my family taught me. Thus, I believe that one should never give up on his dreams and aspirations, no matter how impossible they seem to fulfill.

Therefore, if I, today, I dream of studying at MIT and becoming a chief executive, or an engineer that will invent a revolutionary engine in a few days; I owe it all to my family and school.

Please point out any grammar, ponctuation, style, structure, etc. errors. And, tell me wether I am answering the question or not .. Thank you.
MyMichael 2 / 5  
Dec 27, 2012   #2
"always pushed me to head the top."
This might sound a bit like "My parents told me to do it - I hated it - but I eventually did it, then."

You could write "my parents always supported me," that is more positive I think.

epitomize -> embody (using simpler words often makes a better impress, even if you might think the opposite does, as it is easier to read)

no matter how impossible they seem to fulfillbe.

I would revise the last sentence, because it is tad checked off (therefore hard to read and comprehend) and has a little tip of being arrogant ("I will [...] invent a revolutionary machine in a few days").
painglintun 5 / 15 2  
Dec 27, 2012   #3
I would say you should add up the specific major you're going for and what motivated you this much. It's good that you describe about your school, but you should describe something or specific things that are related to your major. Therefore, if I, today, I dream of studying at MIT and becoming a chief executive,(chief executive of what?) or an engineer that will invent a revolutionary engine (what kind of revolutionary engine) in a few days; I owe it all to my family and school. Anyways, I enjoy reading yours, it's good :D

If you could look over my essay, I would appreciate it.
OP MiaB 8 / 25  
Dec 27, 2012   #4
Okay; thank you guys.

If I didn't exactly talk about the specific major I'm going for and what motivated me this much , it's because there is another essay asking us to elborate on that : Although you may not yet know what you want to major in, which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why?

So, I figured I didn't need to repeat myself much ..
painglintun 5 / 15 2  
Dec 27, 2012   #5
Oh ok. Then, that's perfectly fine.


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