Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
As I walked through the crowded hallways of the unfamiliar high school, I felt the blood course through my veins. My breathing labored, like I had just run a marathon. Bright neon- colored posters that draped over the cafeteria walls welcomed students to the new 2007-2008 school year. I spotted students either sitting in the cafeteria or leaning against walls, smiling at each other, laughing with joy and hugging one another. As much as I wanted to take part in the upbeat atmosphere, I could not escape the feeling of being an outsider, like I didn't belong. Many times I came close to asking students for directions to class. However, my fears of making a terrible first impression overwhelmed me and I continued walking the bustling halls unnoticed. Eventually, I came across a sign juxtaposed to a door that read "Ms. Swann: Room 1350."
While I entered into the classroom, my eyes instantly fell upon posters lining the wall above the glistening whiteboard. Several displayed famous inspirational quotes such as "Failure is success if we learn from it" and "What is popular is not always right, what is right is not always popular." As I studied each quote, students oblivious to the posters entered the classroom. I reread to each quote. Each quote gave me a bit of courage and comfort. I could slowly feel my tense muscles relax inside of me.
After finishing roll call, Ms. Swann suggested that we all get to know each other better. I wasn't fond of public speaking. Beads of sweat began to dampen my hands while my stomach started to clench. "I would like all of you to tell the whole class something interesting about yourselves." Many thoughts began to wrestle through my mind. Should I talk about a childhood memory or a recent occurrence? Soon, I slowly built up the courage to reveal a part of my identity. I would let everyone know that I was new.
When it was my turn to say something, I slowly muttered, "After living until eighth grade in Saudi Arabia for seven years, I ended up moving to Austin. After living in Austin, I am now here in College Station."
No one responded. Suddenly, I panicked. Did people care that I was new? Should I have said something far more interesting? No one looked at me. Gradually, I began breathing normally. I had done my part and couldn't change it. Maybe people were simply shy or disinterested. Little did I know that one girl in the back row had been watching me all along.
While I gathered my materials and prepared to hunt for my second period class, the same girl stood waiting outside the classroom. As I exited the room, the girl's mouth curled into a smile. "Hi, I'm Sterling. How do you like A & M Consolidated High School so far?" I was taken aback. I hadn't expected anyone to talk to me. Trying not to overanalyze my answer, I quickly replied, "Um, it's not too bad, but I can't say until the day is over." Sterling laughed. "Well just to let you know, the school is actually great. Like you, I was new freshman year. Trust me, I understand how you feel, but the people here are friendly and you'll be just fine."
Her last five words suddenly lit what I unintentionally blinded myself from all along. From the moment I entered the school until the instant Sterling comforted me with her words, I realized that I had worried for nothing all along. After transferring schools many times in my life, I understood the pain that inevitably follows along with moving. Thankfully, I learned how to cope with difficult situations before and now I had the capability to handle many others like them. Familiar with the pain followed by moving to new place, I feel like I have an obligation to help others who feel the same ache and try to comfort them through it. Through my pain, I want to help people from all pains. I desire to be the one who made others feel better. I strive to aid others mentally, physically, and emotionally. I aspire to make others smile. Coming to this conclusion, I couldn't think of a better profession than to become a doctor.
Although my family does not come from a line of doctors, my grandfather chose to focus his career path into the world of medicine. As a native Bengali, my grandfather grew up within a culture praising individuals who obtained medical degrees. However, he only committed as a doctor to follow his own will to help others. Knowing this fact motivated me more in my choice of profession. Working as an army doctor during the Bangladesh Liberation War, he treated freedom fighters and sometimes even enemies who were badly wounded. Through his experience, he learned to treat every human being equally. Like him, I also was surrounded by people of diverse cultures while living in the Middle East, such as women who wore the Muslim headscarf or men who wore the Sikh turban. Through my time spent in Saudi Arabia, I came to accept others despite their cultural differences and social standing. Furthermore, I digressed from the majority's tendency to judge people negatively. Like one of Ms. Swann's poster quotes said, "What is popular is not always right, what is right is not always popular."
After moving back to the United States, I continued to relocate to different cities. Although moving did cause me great pain, I'm thankful that I had the opportunity to experience it. Through experiencing heartache, I became a stronger person. Without the pain, I may not have now strived to aid others in need. Without the hurt, I might have been extremely judgmental. Along with the emotional ache trailed with me through my every move, physical pain followed. Days would pass by when my entire body would feel weak, pleading me to miss just one day of school. But deep down inside, I knew I had to fight the physical battle. As a result, I want also to save lives from further physical pain, just like my grandfather had during the war. Although I tend to hope people would understand my pain, I constantly remind myself that it's no one's fault. Instead, I don't wish upon anyone the pain that I've faced in my life but hope to aid people in case they undergo the same ordeal. I want to remind people that despite life's hardship, they have the ability to conquer it. With pain comes strength. With strength comes courage. With courage comes victory. I long remind people that I will aid in battling their pains and try my best to help them survive. I want to be the first to continue my grandfather's legacy.
Hey there. The intro paragraph got me hooked, and my interest was not let down. But I saw some tiny errors I thought you might wanna look at:
I reread to each quote. ... get rid of "to"
I reread each quote...it sounds less awkward.
And try not to use contractions in college essays. I learned that from my ap lit teacher.
So far, I don't have a lot to say about the grammar/sentence conventions.
But your prompt is already over a 1000 words, so I suggest abridging some ideas.
And the reader doesn't need to hear the same idea twice, like the quote..."What is popular is not always right, what is right is not always popular," in the 6th paragraph.
You can also use a different word for "pain" because it was written a lot. Try using a thesaurus for reference.
But other than the things I said, I think your topic has a good ending... "I want to be the first...legacy." It makes the reader wonder what your obstacles will be to achieve that.
I hope my thoughts helped. Please read my UC prompt!
I agree with Shinji! The first paragraph is quite well narrated.
However, as Shinji also noticed, the prompt is WAY over the permitted length. I would suggest cutting down on the first section of your essay. As impactful as the very beginning is, the rest of the details aren't needed. What you could do is keep the tension you currently have, but introduce Sterling a little earlier and cut down on the rest of the descriptions.
I would keep one or two of the quotes though.
All in all, great idea. You also have a good 'writing voice'. All you have to to is cut down on some of the unnecessary parts.
Good luck, and please read my UC prompt!
