"the best team in our district" - critique my short answer essay

"Five!" "Four!" "Three!" "Two!" "One!" the buzzer sounded as the opposing team's crowd shouted in joy, and our stands stood in silence. We were shut-out by the best team in our district, sixty-two to zero. I walked to the fifty yard line, getting ready to shake their hands. As I walked past their fifty plus team, I shook all their hands, looking at them in the eye, and only saying "Good game", or "Great job". When I started playing football in junior high I only expected to get the superficial things out of it, like popularity and school-wide fame, but now that I reflect on those moments of happiness after a win, or sorrow after a loss, I realize those loses and wins taught me things that can't be taught by a person, like losing with pride, or winning with class, and regretting neither my or my team's mistakes.

I like your idea but I think you should cut that last sentence and also incorporate how important is football to your life in addition to what it has taught you.

ok....appreciate the help

I think you should shorten the narrative portion of your short answer and focus on how football has taught you the lessons that you state in your last sentence. Another, more radical option, would be to cut entirely your narrative section and starting with this:

When I started playing football in junior high I only expected to get the superficial things out of it...

Also, I have a problem with this sentence:

...I realize those loses and wins taught me things that can't be taught by a person , like losing with pride, or winning with class, and regretting neither my or my team's mistakes.

I think you mean that the things football taught you can't be taught in the classroom, because people, your coach for instance, can certainly teach you the value of losing with pride and winning with class.

bump...

Well I think the overall idea might be too simple, and you need to go into depth. try to make a message at a deeper level with a higher meaning. <3 hope it helped

This is a perfect opportunity to make football something more. We all played for the glory. That's kind of a no-brainer. What we got were friendships, and memories, and life-skills like teamwork and planning and problem-solving and the pleasure of physical activity. Play those things up. Those things are what the college is looking for.