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Commonapp short answer ("a member of track and field team")


Greekman 1 / 1  
Feb 28, 2009   #1
Hello everyone, here is my short answer for the commonapp.org writting requirements("In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities"), I would be really thankful for any correction :)

As a member of track and field team for my first university, I feel that I have greatly benefited from them. They have entirely changed me from a single to a team player. In the beginning of my freshman years I wasn't that enthusiastic about enrolling in the university's track and field team, but during the first serious competition, which required a very strong team play, in order to win, I felt myself as a part of something really important and special, a part of the group. After that competition, which we have eventually won with a great breakaway, I was no longer unagitated about spending my spare time on trainings. I have made very good friends there and I am grateful really to the university for providing such a great opportunities for their students to be a part of something significant and unique.

and btw i took the first line from somewhere i don't remember where, so don't judge me on that;)

Best regards, George.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Feb 28, 2009   #2
Hi George, the first line is not particularly strong, so why bother to use it? Maybe sometime today you will think of a great, attention-grabbing first line that seems right to you.

Some pointers:

"I feel that I have greatly benefited from them" Them doesn't refer back to anything. "member," "team," and "university" are all singular nouns.

"which we have eventually won with a great breakaway,"

"I was no longer unagitated " Beware the double negative.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 1, 2009   #3
I have made very good friends there, and I am grateful really to the university for providing such a great opportunities for their students to be a part of something this significant and unique.

A few more little fixes.
OP Greekman 1 / 1  
Mar 1, 2009   #4
Kevin and Sean, thank you very much:)
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Mar 6, 2009   #5
No problem -- that's why we're here. Feel free to post the revised draft for more feedback.


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