Hello everyone, here is my short answer for the commonapp.org writting requirements("In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities"), I would be really thankful for any correction :)
As a member of track and field team for my first university, I feel that I have greatly benefited from them. They have entirely changed me from a single to a team player. In the beginning of my freshman years I wasn't that enthusiastic about enrolling in the university's track and field team, but during the first serious competition, which required a very strong team play, in order to win, I felt myself as a part of something really important and special, a part of the group. After that competition, which we have eventually won with a great breakaway, I was no longer unagitated about spending my spare time on trainings. I have made very good friends there and I am grateful really to the university for providing such a great opportunities for their students to be a part of something significant and unique.
and btw i took the first line from somewhere i don't remember where, so don't judge me on that;)
Best regards, George.
Hi George, the first line is not particularly strong, so why bother to use it? Maybe sometime today you will think of a great, attention-grabbing first line that seems right to you.
Some pointers:
"I feel that I have greatly benefited from them" Them doesn't refer back to anything. "member," "team," and "university" are all singular nouns.
"which we have eventually won with a great breakaway,"
"I was no longer unagitated " Beware the double negative.
I have made very good friends there, and I am grateful really to the university for providing such a great opportunities for their students to be a part of something this significant and unique.
A few more little fixes.
Kevin and Sean, thank you very much:)
No problem -- that's why we're here. Feel free to post the revised draft for more feedback.
