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'better educated in the science' - Personal Statement TRANSFER Student Essay


amcchang 1 / -  
Mar 15, 2012   #1
Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.

Potassium carbonate, microcrystalline cellulose, ferrous fumarate... My fascination with science first came to me when I landed my first retail job in 2009 at General Nutrition Center (GNC). I would sift through each product label and see ingredients I've never come across before. On my days off, I would bury myself in online articles about health or explore nutrition books in the library. Though these articles gave me bits and pieces of knowledge, I would like to see the full picture by exposing myself to the array of impressive science programs you offer.

My reason for transferring is purely academic. I moved from Hawaii to Boston to direct my attention exclusively on school and to explore better educational opportunities. My proudest accomplishment is achieving my associate's degree in Liberal Arts at Leeward Community College. By taking the initiative and getting involved, I strive for personal educational experiences to become a registered dietitian.

In the beginning of my higher education journey at Leeward Community College, I remember juggling my responsibilities as a student and as a full-time employee. When I decided to work, I made the mistake of letting it interfere with my academic performance. Since 2010, I devoted a good amount of my time and energy to improve my study techniques. I learned that hard work takes practice, patience, and perseverance.

By taking the next step in education, I hope to gain wisdom and assist people in leading a healthy lifestyle. Although my job has given me some knowledge of nutrition in practice, I desire to become better educated in the science beyond the instruction labels.

WORD COUNT: 266

Please feel free to fix grammar errors and leave comments.

My conclusion part seems REALLY SHORT ... please list ideas that would make it full and better!

I am getting anxious by all this college apps stuff! I would greatly appreciate your help. Thank you very much~
jukeboxlovesong 1 / 1  
Mar 15, 2012   #2
Potassium carbonate, microcrystalline cellulose, ferrous fumarate... My fascination with science first came to me when I landed my first retail job in 2009 at General Nutrition Center (GNC). Too much repetition here . I would sift through each product label and see ingredients I've never come across before. On my days off, I would bury myself in online articles about health or explore nutrition books in the library. Though these articles gave me bits and pieces of knowledge, I would like to see the full picture by exposing myself to the array of impressive science programs you offer. I would name to specific school here if this is the supplemental essay.

My reason for transferring is purely academic. I moved from Hawaii to Boston to directfocus? my attention exclusively on school and to explore better educational opportunities. How are they better? My proudest accomplishment is achieving my associate's degree in Liberal Arts at Leeward Community College. By taking the initiative and getting involved, I strive for personal educational experiences to become a registered dietitian. Maybe reword here, a little confusing... I would also go into more details.

In the beginning of my higher education journey at Leeward Community College, I remember juggling my responsibilities as a student and as a full-time employee. When I decided to work, I made the mistake of letting it interfere with my academic performance. Since 2010, I devoted a good amount of my time and energy to improve my study techniques. What specifically did you do? Maybe add an anecdote. I learned that hard work takes practice, patience, and perseverance.

By taking the next step in education, I hope to gain wisdom and assist people in leading a healthy lifestyle. Although my job has given me some knowledge of nutrition in practice, I desire to become better educated in the science beyond the instruction labels. Maybe reword as "I desire to go beyond the instruction labels and become better educated in science.

I would focus on being more specific and adding details to your essay. Otherwise, it seems like you're on the right track...
If you have the time, I was wondering if you could maybe take a look at my transfer essay as well? I would really appreciate it!


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