A squirrel pokes out of my pocket and whispers a word in my ear. I sit up, stunned. But before I can say something back, she disappears in a flash of stripy fur and tail. As my mind begins to comprehend the possibility of talking squirrels, its thought process is interrupted by a heavy thumping. I look down and see a battalion of marching ants. They look up and start quoting Shakespeare to accompany their footsteps. "O Romeo, Romeo" One-two One-two "wherefore art thou Romeo?" One-two One-two.
I am absolutely utterly bewildered. Why are animals speaking? Have I gone bonkers? I look around and find myself in the neighbourhood woods. How did I get here? I struggle to piece together my last memory but a little green snake shatters my concentration. He slithers around my prostate body and then settles on my belly. "How are you?" he asks me, staring unblinkingly. Not so much at my wit's end now, I manage to mouth a reply "Fine, but how the hell are you talking?" "You are unaware of a lot of mysteries of nature, foolish human" he hisses back. "Ok, let me up then" I say, confident of my lack of intellect. From the time when I was 7 and chased butterflies, I have always been amazed by the surprises nature had to offer, the camouflaged chameleons, the cocooned caterpillars, the green grasshoppers and many others. This is just another one out of her kitty, albeit quite big. My curiosity and love of nature fuelled, I get up and ask the snake "What now?" "Follow me" he replies. "Okay" I start walking behind his crawling muscular shape.
We soon reach a familiar tree. He starts climbing. So do I. Without a word, we reach the top. As I look around, my memory hits me like a splash of icy water. I last remember sitting here on my favourite branch. But before I can guess what happened afterwards, I am immersed into a cacophony of sights and sounds. The leaves start singing as the breeze ruffles through them and the animals start chattering. I catch snippets of the conversation and am impressed by the knowledge contained in them. I learn from a crow that putting the first differential of an equation equal to zero gives maxima or minima. I am retold of the fact that Aluminium Oxide is amphoteric, by a spider, a honest to god silk spinning spider.
Unbelievable. It is like an academia bursting forth up here, intent on educating me. I have climbed this tree often before, seeking solitude to think things through and have never left disappointed. It is my favourite place on the earth. Now though, I love it even more. I can learn here. Suddenly I see a flash of light. The green snake has gone. The tree has grown silent. I wake up. Was it all just a dream? I unconsciously put a hand in my pocket and take out an acorn with little squirrel bite marks on it. "No, it wasn't" I say to myself, smiling.
Interesting essay! Kept me intrigued and very well written. You sure you wanna cuss though in paragraph 2? Anyhow good essay.
Where did I cuss in the second paragraph? And thanks a lot.
i am thinking about it, can't say for sure
and i haven't thought a major yet...btw how did you like the essay??
I liked your essay. You used imagery very well! I don't know if it's splitting hairs, but there are little errors regarding punctuation and MLA format. I'm kind new here, so I'm not really sure if that's a comment worth posting. But anyway, overall it was a very engaging essay.
you might want to reword the third sentence more like this:
As I begin to comprehend the possibility of talking squirrels, my thought process is interrupted by a heavy thumping...its just a bit more clear. Overall, good essay!
i am new with college essays...but i ask for ur major as i was wondering what are you trying to portray about yourself or what do you actuaaly want the admission officers to understand from here...??
The essay is indeed well written...with a lot of imagery..n pretty good transition too..n according to me might get you an admission for literature major...or journalism etc etc...
I an new here...n i don't actually know what is best...but jst felt like giving in my suggestion=)
Your essay is very interesting what college are u trying to apply to
Thanks a lot everyone. Emekaobi, I am trying for Harvard, Yale, Princteon, Columbia, Amherst, Dartmouth, Colby, JHU, Williams and Vassar. I don't know whether this is good enough for them though. Can any of you compare it to previous accepted ones?
And Miguel, can you specifically point out the errors? It would be a great help.
Shreya, I am going in with my major undecided. But it most likely will be physics.
Cherrybomb, Thanks a lot for the modification. I'll change it immediately.
That's a really interesting essay! I like how you to don't explicitly state much, but convey it through the story.... I'm assuming you're writing on a topic of your choice. :)
Just out of curiosity - why does the spider know Al2O3 is amphoteric? I mean how is nature inspiring you to learn more?
as far as what major you want to pursue, colleges don't expect you to necessarily have a concrete idea of what you intend on doing once you get there. After all colleges are for exploring yourself.
You could probably change the word 'foolish' to something less in-your-face. When I read it, it's like walking down a smooth road then suddenly being tripped by a rock. But that's what I think. May be I'm just being over-analytic.
Essays play a major role for the admissions in the colleges you are applying to (so does everything else!), even the best applicants get rejected at times. But I'm sure you know that. But keep up the good work!
Yeah, I just wrote the spider thing in jest. I'll try to find some better fact or animal to co-relate. Thanks a lot for your comments. Ah yes, foolish does sound in the face. Can you suggest a replacement for it?
I like the use of abstract ideas throughout! I thought it was well done!
What I think is your essay would have a much better effect if you could talk about animals giving you some relevant information that inspires your intellect. Like, a spider's silk is many times stronger than the tensile strength of a steel fiber of the same diameter. You know something along the lines.... But again, that's what I feel. No changes necessary.
Change foolish to ignorant/arrogant/silly.... what say?
itsokaytogaga Thanks for the suggestions. I tried it but could only find very few facts to write about arboreal animals. So I reverted to random stuff. And yes, silly sounds better.
But I need some help. Some people I have asked are saying that the essay only shows my 'imaginative' side and lacks the idea of 'personal growth'. I have tried rewriting it but couldn't make any worthwhile changes. Still, can you take a look at the new one, as an adcom and tell me what you think of me and what you think of the essay. I am very anxious, please help. (Also say which one do you like better)
Aah, now the second draft somehow seems more focused and talks with a little more personal voice (towards the end where you describe about working hard and 'climbing up'. I like that bit). Even the part where you describe why you love spending time on the tree and your 'favorite branch' seems clearer. When I read the first draft I don't think it's any way inferior. But I guess I prefer the second para of your second draft because it is more clearer to me. However, both the essays express the same ideas equally well. I think you should trust your judgement and go with the one you feel more connected to; it's good to rely on your inner instinct sometimes. That's what I do. :)
Don't worry. Even if you feel that the essay lacks on demonstrating your personal growth, make sure you manage to show that by your other supplement essays or the little extracurricular writing section. But I feel the essay shows your thoughtfulness plenty and tells me that you're an insightful person with an inclination for deeper learning. :)
Hope that helps!
Thanks a lot Gaga, I love the second one more, so I'll go with it.
Any other helpful suggestions people. Thanks to you in advance.
I really liked the second one more because it's telling more of your story. I also like the fact that you separated the dialogue in to paragraphs, but sorry if I'm being a nitpicker, there are some small grammatical errors I noticed.
When you use quotation marks, there are still supposed to be periods/question marks (or commas/question marks if it's before an attribution of speech)
"I love nature, and this is just another one of her mysteries; I want to see how it plays out."
"No, it wasn't," I say to myself
"No, I don't."
He asks, "Don't you want to know why we are speaking?"
"As you wish human, as you wish."
"Was it all just a dream?"
"O Romeo, Romeo,"
Also, there should be an Oxford Comma before the conjunction that joins three or more things together.
he settles himself on my belly, looks me in the eye, and says
I'm not really sure about this, but I also think that these sentences are run-on sentences because they're technically two independent ideas that aren't joined by a comma or semi-colon.
It is beautiful. Nature is beautiful.
The green snake blurs out of existence, and my memory hits me with a splash of icy water.
I look around; I am still on the tree but it has grown silent.
Hope this is helpful and not too insignificant. I also hope I didn't make a mistake in my corrections :D
Thanks a lot Miguel. I needed the grammatical brush-up. Also how do you like the general idea of the second one? Is is good enough to be the main essay because it really doesn't show any personal growth. I also wanted to know whether the story I am trying to tell is clear. Are there any parts that are very difficult to understand. Is the vocabulary too simple? or too complex? I am sorry for such a long list of questions but any help is appreciated.
I like your second essay better. Even though both are well written, I feel like the second one paints a better picture of you as a person.
You may want to incorporate the stream of consciousness in your intro. This way, instead of describing your thought process, you could show it more clearly. Just a suggestion :)
I like how you tie your into and conclusion together.
After reading your essay, this is what I understood of you:
You love nature because it is mysterious and diverse. You like climbing; you're probably adventurous. You have an imagination.
If this wasn't the message you were trying to get across...you may want to change something. If it was, great job!
Even though this doesn't describe any personal growth, I think it's a good essay. Good luck with uni! Please take a look at my essays if you get the chance.
Can anyone please help me to connect my paragraphs
English is not my business , m not good at this :-(
Please check out my essay
The second essay is very well done. It's one of the most unique essays I've ever read. I don't really have any corrections to add. Though it doesn't describe how it relates to you now, I think the ending is much more powerful this way. I wouldn't change it. Just try to address the "personal growth" aspect in some of your other essays if you can.
Hey what college r u applying to ?
You got great grammar :))
Thanks Mjkaur, I am applying to the Ivy League, MIT, Stanford, JHU, Amherst, Williams, Colby, Vassar.
