Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width   Posts: 8


biomechanics concentration - Johns Hopkins supplemental



yli09 1 / 9  
Dec 29, 2008   #1
Prompt: Johns Hopkins offers 49 majors across the schools of Arts and Sciences and Engineering. on this supplement, we ask you to identify one or two that you might like to pursue here. Why did you choose the way you did? If you are undecided, why didn't you choose?

My brother died when I was in tenth grade.

No, legally, I cannot say that I ever had a brother. Technically, I was always an only child - a product of China's "one child" policy. Technically, on the Common Application, and on any other official form, I must leave all the "sibling" spots blank. Technically, the one I just referred to as a brother was not even a human being - he was a cat named Tiger.

Forget technicalities.

Archbishop Desmond Tutu, 1984 Nobel Laureate, once said, "You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them." Under this definition, I certainly gained a new brother that fateful day in sixth grade, when my mother's friend dropped off a white and orange shorthair at our door.

Tiger would quickly grow from pet to brother and friend. His presence beside me every night helped rid me of my lifelong fear of the dark; his residence on my physics book (always just the physics book!) made me laugh instead of stress as I did my nightly homework. Tiger was always there for me, never-judgmental, and always ready to offer an enthusiastic, friendly headbutt.

Thus, it seemed only natural for me to reaffirm my vow of becoming a veterinarian when Tiger died an early death during the winter break of my sophomore year. After learning the joy of having a brother to take care of and be taken care by, how could I not wish the same joy for everyone else? After learning the pain of losing that brother, how could I wish the same pain for anyone else?

As a bioengineering student at Johns Hopkins University, either with a BME major or a biomechanics concentration, I can begin my journey towards eliminating that pain. Either of the two paths would be perfect for me; I would be combining my goal of improving animal health with my strong interest in physics and engineering. With Johns Hopkins University's world class research facilities and its heavy emphasis on undergraduates, I will, even as a freshman, be able to work with professors in labs. I could help design new, non-invasive tools and techniques to replace surgery, I could perhaps combine the rapidly growing field of nanotechnology with veterinary science. Much of the attention in bioengineering is placed on human health, and for good reason, but I could be the one to champion animal health as well. I think that, if I can somehow save just one little child's beloved brother or sister, any challenge I have faced, and any expense I have paid, will have been worthwhile.

I would great appreciate any critiques and input. Did I focus too much on the background story? Too little? Was the essay too boring? *Any* comments would be appreciated! (Word count: 435)

ilikefood 2 / 7  
Dec 29, 2008   #2
NO. THIS ESSAY WAS NOT BORING.

The intro was awesome. It started out with a bang. I think the background story really humanized your intentions in choosing your field of study. The story was both lighthearted and earnest, and your threw me off like, two times with the brother thing.

I guess you're expecting some criticism, but I really can't think of anything to criticize, and I really hope you get into Johns Hopkins.

ALSOYOURINTROISAWESOME.
OP yli09 1 / 9  
Dec 29, 2008   #3
Thanks! I actually like my intro as well.

I guess the thing I'm having trouble with is the paragraph explaining why my cat meant so much to me. I'm afraid that it's too short and may seem, I dunno, superficial? At the same time, though, the portion of the essay talking about the cat is already so much longer than the part talking about my intended major specifically...
ilikefood 2 / 7  
Dec 29, 2008   #4
There's a difference between lacking in something and being succinct with your words, and uh, actually, I have a problem with that myself, so I'm probably not the best person that can help you with that. I don't think there's anything superficial about the essay at all - especially since you're talking about someone who you deeply care about. It's really difficult to explain the importance of something in what? 500 or so words, and I think you did a good job doing that. You don't need a memoir to reflect his importance in your life, because you showed that through the small moments and interactions you had with your cat, and even at the part when you mentioned that you had to leave the sibling spots blank.

At least, that's what I think. Sorry if I wasn't really useful.
amy 5 / 39  
Dec 29, 2008   #5
Your essay is great. However, I would suggest that you integrate why Tiger had such a big impact in your life. The essay is certainly not boring, and the introduction grasps the reader and carries him/her throughout the entire essay. I couldn't remove my eyes from the page. Good job. I, too, am applying to Johns Hopkins, so I hope we both get in. =)
OP yli09 1 / 9  
Dec 29, 2008   #6
Thanks for the feedback! I think I do need to work on the paragraph describing Tiger's impact, but could you explain what you mean by "integrate"? Thanks again, and good luck w/ your apps!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Dec 30, 2008   #7
Legally, I cannot say that I ever had a brother.

After learning the joy of having a "brother" to take care of and be taken care of by, how could I not wish the same joy for everyone else?

I think that, if I can somehow save just one little child's beloved pet, any challenge I have faced, and any expense I have paid, will have been worthwhile.

It was cute how you called him your brother, but I think you should change it to pet, sometime during the essay, to make it sound more serious. (though I have a little "sister" asleep on my lap right now:)

Kevin
OP yli09 1 / 9  
Dec 31, 2008   #8
Thanks for the feedback!


Home / Undergraduate / biomechanics concentration - Johns Hopkins supplemental
Do You Need
Academic Writing
or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳

Academic AI Writer:
Custom AI Writer ◳