What really blew my mind was electricity. Waterloo "Engineering" essay

How is this so far?

ENGINEERING INTERESTS AND GOALS

Briefly explain why you are interested in engineering and particularly in the program to which you have applied.

Throughout my life, I have always tried to be a rational thinker, always observing the inner details of things. This has been largely due to the effect my parents (who are both Mechanical Engineers) had on me. But, even though I was impressed by my parents' Engineered way of thinking, I didn't want to pursue the same program. While engines and moving parts were interesting, what really blew my mind was electricity

Eiad, this is a pretty good start to your draft essay. However, it does not tell me enough about your response to the prompt yet. I know that there is more to your response than just the reference you made to your parents occupation. You just haven't gotten around to sharing it yet. So I can't make any comment more than "It's a good start". It would be best if your post your whole response to the prompt so that I can offer you a better and more thorough analysis of your response.

I will need to know what the university means by a "brief" response though. What is the maximum word count that the university set for this response? The best presentation of this response will depend upon that count. The editing considerations and relevant content will rely solely on the number of words you are allowed to use to express yourself. I hope you can post your complete draft next time around so that we can do a more thorough review of your work.

Holt, thanks a lot for your response. The limit is 900 character, so it's fairly brief. Here is the revised version, which I feel like I kind of messed up. There are a couple things that I feel are weak, but I'm not exactly sure how I would fix them, such as the sudden conclusion out of nowhere and talking about electrical engineering too much without relating it to my abilities specifically. Not sure if the second one is a bad thing. Anyway, thanks in advance for your review P.S: this us the full question:

Engineering Interests and Goals (*Required)

Throughout my life, I have always tried to be a rational thinker, always observing the inner details of things. This has been largely due to the effect my parents (who are both Mechanical Engineers) had on me. But, even though I was impressed by my parents' Engineered way of thinking, I didn't want to pursue the same program. While engines and moving parts were interesting, what really blew my mind was electricity, because it is quite simply everywhere; We cannot go one day without using dozens of electrical devices. And it is absolutely fascinating to me how many of these tiny devices have such a huge impact on our lives. I believe that electrical engineers are the leading forefront of developing most technologies.

Eiad, here are 564 words to help you get started on better directing your response. Fill in the spaces or write a new one using what I wrote as your guide. You need to fill in the last part of the prompt regarding school related experience or your interaction with Waterloo alumna. I look forward to reading your next version.

Having grown up with both parents as mechanical engineers, I was influenced by the "mechanical" side of things in our everyday life. Growing away from the influence of my parents though, I discovered that I still had an interest in Engineering, just the electrical side instead. My fascination with electrical engineering and its application in daily life led me to self-start my education in the field and eventually, I found myself where I am today, at the steps of your esteemed university, ready to join the forefront of electronically developed technologies.