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"A Blind Grade" - Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you.


vladic007 9 / 22  
Sep 15, 2010   #1
Good time of the day dear readers. I need your opinions on how to make my essay better. Please be honest!!

Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

A Blind Grade



Ali was the least desired debater in the team for me. I met Ali at the IDEA Youth Forum 2010, which was held in the Netherlands, a forum where everyone could debate, make friends, and have fun. During the forum we had two tournaments. The first one was the Karl Popper Debate Championship, in which national teams participated. The second was the Mixed Team Tournament, where team members were randomly chosen. Ali was assigned with me in a mixed team.

After the KPDC, when the winners were announced and the organizers were making lists of the teams for the MTT, everyone had just one desire - to get into a team with one of the top 10 speakers. I was one of those who thought that if I had a strong debater in my team, we could win the tournament. While I was discussing the upcoming tournament with other debaters, two boys passed by. One was walking really slowly, dressed in strange clothes, and the other one was holding his hand and talking to him. The friend to whom I was talking said that the first boy was blind. I was quite shocked to find out that there was a blind debater at the forum. At that moment, I thought how unlucky it would be to get in one team with such a debater at the MTT.

When the mixed teams and the labs where the teams were to prepare for the debate were announced, everyone went fast to see their teammates and trainers, and so did I. When I came into the classroom, I saw one of my teammates, Gerda, a girl from Lithuania. When it was time to begin our preparation, my third teammate was missing, and I thought that he or she must be a lazy and irresponsible person. At that moment, the door opened and those two boys whom I saw earlier, the blind boy and the volunteer who helped him, entered the classroom. They asked us to excuse them for being late and sat down at the table opposite to me and Gerda.

I had different thoughts running through my head. I was thinking how unlucky I was to have the least desired debater into a team with me. What could be worse? However, at the same time, I felt compassion for him. I thought how bad it was to be blind, only to hear and speak. Speak... The word raised a desire in me, a desire that I didn't thought of in the first place, a desire to hear that boy speaking. When we were presenting ourselves in the lab, our interests, and our plans, and it was the boy's turn to speak, he stood up and said loud: "My name is Ali and I am a debater." He said it with such confidence that everybody who was in the room, including me, became silent. He held a pause and then continued. He presented himself very well and at that moment I started changing my mind about him.

During my life, I have never seen such strength of will in a person that I saw in Ali during the lab meetings and debates. His actions made me understand that every person is capable of achieving his or her goal despite all the difficulties and obstacles that come with it. I understood that we should always respect the physically challenged because they face many more difficulties than we do and manage to overcome those and show the strength of their spirit. We should never judge a person by his or her external appearance, but by what is inside him or her.

In the end, we did not win the championship, but it did not matter anymore. What mattered was that I met Ali who helped me to broaden my horizons, to become more mature, to become a better person.
Penasteph07 3 / 11  
Sep 15, 2010   #2
This sentence seems a bit choppy. Try reading it aloud.
When the mixed teams and the labs where the teams were to prepare for the debate were announced, everyone went fast to see their teammates and trainers, and so did I.

Try this: When the mixed teams and the labs, where the teams prepared for the debate, were announced, everyone, including me, went quickly to see their teammates and trainers.

Also, you should focus more on how meeting Ali influenced you, rather than the story itself.

Try condensing the story.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Sep 18, 2010   #3
Good time of the day dear readers.

I like this salutation, I'm going to start using it!

Ali was assigned with me in a mixed team.---- okay, but add another sentence before ending the paragraph. Let the paragraph end with a sentence that tells the reader your main point.

For example, I would like to see you put this sentence at the end of the first paragraph:
During my life, I have never seen such strength of will in a person that I saw in Ali during the lab meetings and debates.

Add another comma:
What mattered was that I met Ali, w ho helped me to broaden my horizons, to become more mature, to become a better person.----very god ending.

I like this essay a lot. I hope Ali sees it!
OP vladic007 9 / 22  
Sep 22, 2010   #4
Thank you for the opinion. I'll try to make some changes in order to make it smoother.


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