Born and bred in Nepal, I am familiar to myriad diseases people fall prey to all year round

hey guys, i'm an intl student from nepal, and it would be great help if someone could go through my essay and let me know if it's good enough. Also, please could you see if my grammar use is correct, and if I could use a better word choice, or if there is something I could improve on. My deadline's in 2 days so please any help will be appreciated :) thanks!

prompt:

Rutgers requires that you provide a short essay that is your original work. Please reflect on what you consider to be an important personal experience related to your talents, interests, or commitments. Using this experience, please tell us what you learned about yourself. How will this experience prepare you for success at Rutgers?

my essay :

Born and bred in a small and economically poor country like Nepal I am familiar to myriad diseases people fall prey to all year round. I have seen poor health, poverty and illiteracy in large abundance and have always felt compassionately for the people who have to face such circumstances. "But what have I done for them? Everyone feels pity for these people but how many commit their own lives for the amelioration of these people's condition?" such questions always haunted me.

After graduating from high school I decided I wanted to devote my time to the community, and so I volunteered in a youth led organization called SAATH. "SAATH" in my language means togetherness, and as per its name the organization has been working together with its aspiring trainees and volunteers, to support children who are affected with HIV AIDS. I volunteered in this organization for past 5 months, and it has been the most significant experience I've had in my eighteen years of life.

I remember the first day I met these children. I was given the opportunity to organize a day's program for them with numerous activities and arts. The activities were a medium to help them build their confidence and participate in the society. Honestly, this was the first time I felt responsible for a large group, and I liked this new sense of responsibility. The children listened to me obediently and participated in the activities I prepared for them with full spirit. I felt inspired and motivated by these children, all so ready to learn and grow.

I also engaged myself in the flea market organized by the organization every weekend where we sold second hand goods and raised money for the education of these children. Growing up, I was a really shy kid, and this experience gave me an opportunity to interact with so many people. I met and conversed with people from different countries, and shared with them the message of our cause. Many of the foreigners volunteered to help us in our cause by making generous donations as well.

The experience I had volunteering in SAATH is very important and distinct to me as I feel I personally grew in the time I spent with this organization and the children. I always knew I wanted to take a career in public health, but this experience explored to me the reason why I really want to take this path. Also, this experience helped me realize some of my qualities which I wouldn't have learned to embrace otherwise. I now know how determined I am to work for the better health of people all around the globe so no person has to ever face the consequences of bad health. I want to help people enjoy the quality of life they deserve, and for that I am ready to devote my time to grow and learn everything I'll need to learn. By organizing the programs and flea markets I have learned that there is a leadership facet in me, which I want to enhance.

Suvekcha, you have written a pretty solid essay that really provides a relevant experience. There are just some grammar issues that need to be corrected so let me help you with that now :-)


- Born and bred in Nepal, which is a small and economically poor country, I grew up highly familiar with the illnesses and myriad diseases that affect people all year round. Nepal is severely affected by poor health, poverty and illiteracy. It saddens me that I am not able to help my fellow Nepalese in a way that can change their lives. I always ask myself "What can I do for them?" It is one thing for me to feel pity for them and their plight, it is another thing for me to commit myself to helping them. I knew that eventually, I would find a way to help my people, and my chance came a few month ago.


- I joined a youth organization in Nepal known as SAATH, which, in my language means togetherness. We have been working together with other trainees, volunteers, and support groups to aid children affected b HIV AIDS and I have to say that working with them has been the best 5 months of my life so far. The organization helped me do something for the Nepalese people whom I wanted to help. I developed a sense of responsibility as a part of this group because the children looked up to my leadership and they in turn, inspired and motivated me to help them learn and grow, even though their future was uncertain.


- This does not help the essay because in the next paragraph you go back to discussing SAATH, which should be the main concentration of this essay.


- I hope to engage the help of Rutger University in achieving my objective of continuing to help the Nepalese people. Through my experience with SAATH, I know that I can bring the plight of the Nepalese to light in the United States. Through my participation in the student community, I know that help can be sent back to them. Being exposed to the worst kind of human conditions has helped me prepare for a career in the healthcare field, specifically public health. My work with the organization has helped me develop a deeper insight into healthcare that I believe has prepared me well for my future studies as a Rutger student.

I hope that my suggestions can further help you enhance your essay. Please don't hesitate to ask questions if you need to. We are here to help you perfect your essay :-)

Thank you so much for the corrections!
but i don't have any sentences that specify exactly what work was it i did with the organization, will it be fine?
Also, should i add my last paragraph or not?
Once again thank you for your help, i really appreciate it :)

Suvekcha, your generalized participation in the organization will suffice. But do not spend too much time discussing what you did with the kids. It would help your essay if you could discuss the kind of work your organization did in totality. Don't just concentrate on the kids interaction with you. Try to make it all inclusive. You need to show that you have developed more than just baby sitting skills. You have the opportunity to show how your work with the organization over the past five months has helped you reach a new level of personal or intellectual maturity.

Your last paragraph should be used. However, I believe that it will be revised once we have completed the revision of the earlier parts of the paper. Don't worry about the conclusion for now. Let's just concentrate on trying to tell your story in the most impressive manner first :-)

I joined a youth organization in Nepal known as SAATH, which, in my language means togetherness. We have been working together with other trainees, volunteers, and support groups to aid children affected by HIV AIDS, and I have to say that working with them has been the best 5 months of my life so far. We raise funds for the education of these children through different campaigns, for example, setting up flea markets in different parts of the city, and also organize capacity building programs for them every week .The organization helped me do something for the Nepalese people whom I wanted to help. I developed a sense of responsibility as a part of this group because the children looked up to my leadership and they in turn, inspired and motivated me to help them learn and grow, even though their future was uncertain.

I added a sentence in the paragraph to specify our work, does it seem right?

It certainly helped enhance and explain the kind of work that you do within the organization and why the organization does its charity work. I realize it may be hard to elaborate on what kind of work you did with them, but I am glad you were able to come up with this sentence. Imagine, just adding that single sentence said volumes about your volunteer activity. Now, what you need to do is develop your final paragraph because at the moment, it is good but has room for improvement. I am sure that you are now very familiar with the academic and social demands of Rutger University. In the final paragraph you need to develop the idea that your work with the organization has better prepared you for the rigors and demands of Rutger in both the academic and social setting. Try to connect your teaching experience with the kids with how you hope to learn more at Rutger. Talk about the social interaction you had with the organization that you feel will help you better assimilate into the Rutger crowd. Let the admissions officer know how you plan on changing the landscape of Rutger based upon your experience with the organization. That should place your essay on strong footing and totally align it with the prompt.

Thankyou for the suggestions :) I have developed my last paragraph as:

The experience I have gained through my volunteerism in SAATH has shaped me to be well prepared for any future endeavor. I am enthusiastic to contribute what I have perceived through my experience with the Rutgers family. I understand the academics in Rutgers is highly competitive. The time I spent with the children has made me realize that there is no barrier to learning. I thrive to take as much as possible from the top notch faculty and my peers, and in turn provide my active participation, and exhibit my own views and ideas to the Rutgers community. Also, the exposure I received by participating in the campaigns has made me confident enough to become a more vocal and active part of the community, and I believe it has prepared me to flourish amid the rich diversity of Rutgers. Thus, I truly believe the compassion and the dedication I feel towards my goal to make my community and the world a healthy and safe place will definitely prepare me for success at Rutgers University.

I think the paragraph needs some improvement with the flow though, do let me know your feedback. Thank you

Suvekcha, let me know if this conclusion I am suggesting works for you. Feel free to use it or make it the basis of your new concluding paragraph :-)

Working with SAATH has better prepared me for a college career in the sense that I now have a clear concept of what hard work, perseverance, and patience in regards to achieving one's goals is all about. I hope to apply those newly developed traits of mine during my academic stint at Rutgers University. Working with children who do not have the ability to get a good education without the help of others has taught me that the only barrier to learning is oneself. If one desires to achieve in life, nobody can stop him or her from achieving that. My desire to actively learn through internship program participation, mentoring programs, the highly experience professors at the university, and my mingling with the students of Rutger will ensure that I achieve those goals without fail.

Born and bred in Nepal, which is a small and economically poor country, I grew up highly familiar with the illnesses and myriad diseases that affect people all year round. Nepal is severely affected by poor health, poverty and illiteracy. It saddens me that I am not able to help my fellow Nepalese in a way that can change their lives. I always ask myself "What can I do for them?" It is one thing for me to feel pity for them and their plight; it is another thing for me to commit myself to helping them. I knew that eventually, I would find a way to help my people, and my chance came a few months ago.

[...]

Hello again :) I tried to modify the same essay I wrote for my Rutgers supplement to fit it to the first prompt of the common app essay. Because I am focused to follow a career path in public health I thought I needed to share this specific story rather than anything else. Please could you improve my essay like you did earlier? I tried to make this essay a little less formal and used the Show and tell approach, but I still feel the essay is not good enough, and the paragraphs need a lot of improvement. I didn't have time to prepare it well because my deadline is on 4th nov, please do provide me with your feedback :)

The prompt:
Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

My essay:

I felt my heart grow heavy. I was talking to the kids in the organization where I volunteer, and a boy told me he wanted to become a doctor when he grew up so that he could cure himself and all the other people suffering from HIV AIDS. Then he asked me if it was possible to cure the disease. I did not know how to answer that. I stayed quiet for a long time. Gathering myself after a while, I replied "Yes. Anything is possible if you try your best to achieve it." I was not giving him a false hope, because I truly believed there could be a way. It felt nice to see the sparkle in that kid's eyes as he smiled. It was at that moment I realized what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.

[...]

may be try to rephrase it.However, your overall essay is good.

All the best..:)

Suvekcha, the problem with your essay at the moment is that it is rehashing information about you from your original personal statement. In this case, I believe that the central identity story you should tell his about how you evolved as a person after joining SAATH. Talk about how you came to know about the organization and the reasons why you decided to sign up as a volunteer. From there, talk about the sense of fulfillment you get from helping the children. Close the statement with the idea that because of SAATH and the volunteer work that you do for them, you finally got to know who you are as a person, what matters most to you in life, and how you plan to integrate those ideals into your future career.

Hi since the essay i wrote for my personal statement was for a different school which didn't require a common app essay, and as this essay is for other schools that do require the common app essay I thought it wouldn't matter that most of the writing was similar. I wanted to make the conversation I had with the little boy the main medium of what made me realize my life goal. But I do understand, i'll try to develop the essay, make it more personal and post it again! :)

I tried to personalize the essay more, let me know what else can I improve and prepare a better essay. Thank you :)

I felt my heart grow heavy as one of the little boys came up to me and shared his future aspiration to become a doctor so that he could cure himself and his friends from HIV AIDS. He then asked me if I thought he could fulfill his dream. I stayed quiet at first, unable to respond to his innocent question. Gathering myself after a while, I replied "Yes. Anything is possible if you try your best to achieve it." I was not giving him a false hope, because I truly believed there could be a way. His eyes sparkled with joy as I told him that, and it was at that moment I realized what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.

[...]

- Suvekcha, the essay will flow better if you make this paragraph your third instead of first paragraph. There is a certain flow, chronological order, and feel that creates a seamless read to the essay for the reader. In this particular case, I believe that the flow I pointed out will work best for you :-)

The reformatted essay works to a certain degree. Applying my suggestions should make it work best :-) Shall we see if you will like the new order?

I had read a suggestion that starting at the peak of my anecdote would be a good hook and then providing the background story, but I did as you suggested and can see the flow working better. I will post the outcome, let me know what you think :)

I am from Nepal, a country severely affected by poor health, poverty and illiteracy. As a kid I remember feeling the horror when I learned about the consequences of poor health facilities in many parts of my country and the dismay I felt as I read about people being secluded from the society because of the diseases they encountered. In school while my friends joined dancing classes, played different sports and participated in several competitions I spent most of my time with my community service group, visiting the neighboring villages around my school. We would distribute free medicines and help to clean their environment. Seeing that sense of appreciation through the warm thankyous and bright smiles in the peoples' faces made me feel content. I didn't do this to make myself seem altruistic but it was due to my own compassion and merely the happiness I felt seeing other people happy that I learned this is where my heart lies.

[...]

Suvekcha, that suggestion that you read would actually have worked if we were doing a flashback essay. Since you are not writing one, it is best to just keep it in chronological order. I am glad that you saw the change in flow the way I saw it :-) I really believe it works best for this type of essay. Having read the whole paper once again, this time in the new format, I believe that you have successfully altered your original essay already. This version is fit for submission to the university of your choosing and should work well for your intentions. However, if you feel that you need to add information to the essay, go ahead and do so. We can work on fitting it into the overall feel and context of your essay if possible :-)

I have already exceeded the word count so I dont have room to add more but do need to reduce some lines:( Thank you for investing your time helping me I really appreciate it :)

That being the case, I hope you will remember to post your revised version, with the correct word count here so that we can make sure that the essay did not get lost thematically during the word editing process. I am not saying it will happen to you but it does happen sometimes so we need to make sure that we prevent that. If you have any further problems with reducing the word count, or you feel that you need a template to follow in doing the word reduction, let us know so that we can help you by providing a template for you to follow. We just need to know what the minimum and maximum word count is in order to be able to help you out :-) The best of luck with your revision! We are here to help anytime you need us :-)

hello, i revised my essay :) the word count was 250-650. I have 648 words now. Let me know what you think :)

I am from Nepal, a country severely affected by poor health, poverty and illiteracy. As a kid I was horrified when I learned about the consequences of poor health facilities in many parts of my country and dismayed as I read about people being secluded from the society because of the diseases they encountered.

At school while my friends joined dance classes, played different sports and participated in several competitions, I spent most of my time with the community service group, visiting neighboring villages around our school. We would distribute free medicines and help to clean their environment. Seeing that sense of appreciation through the warm thank you and bright smiles in the people's faces made me feel content. I did not do this just for the sake of increasing my community service hours, but it was due to the compassion I felt and the happiness I received seeing other people happy that I learned this is where my heart lies.

After graduating from high school I joined an organization called SAATH, which means togetherness in Nepali. There I got the opportunity to teach English and art to a group of about 30 children suffering from HIV AIDS. The time I have spent with these children has helped me grow as a person, and more importantly, it has given me a purpose in life. I have realized that we tend to take up so much of our times worrying about ourselves that we neglect to see the bigger problem rest of the world is facing.

I recall that certain afternoon, I felt my heart grow heavy as one of the little boys came up to me and shared his future aspiration to become a doctor so that he could cure himself and his friends from AIDS. He then asked me if I thought he could fulfill his dream. I stayed quiet at first, unable to respond to his innocent question. Gathering myself after a while, I replied "Yes. Anything is possible if you try your best to achieve it." I was not giving him a false hope, as I truly believed there could be a way. His eyes sparkled with joy as I told him that, and it was at that moment I realized what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.

I hold this event close to my heart because it brought me to realization. I was always shy at school and was hesitant to express myself but now I feel the need to express. I empathize with the people who are not able to attain the proper health facilities and enjoy the quality of life everyone deserves. Devoting my time for the better lives of these children, I have reflected, what I truly want to do; I want to dedicate my life to make the lives of other people better.

Since I come from a small background I used to question myself "Can I make any difference in the society with its ever worsening condition?" But my conversation with the boy gave me the answer. He was brave enough to dream despite his circumstances, and now I am motivated to pursue my vision.

My compassion is my identity, and I believe it will lead me to my goal. I was not the top achiever in school; I would feel nervous and uncomfortable on occasions I was asked to voice my opinion, and there are times I wish I had taken advantage of such opportunities, but today, inspired by the children's spirit to learn and grow despite their uncertain future, I am willing to allow myself to flourish. Being exposed to the worst kind of human conditions has encouraged me to prepare for a career in the healthcare field, specifically public health. A good life is attained by good health and I wish to give people all around the world just that.

Thankyou for all the time you invested in my essay, I am really gratified :)

Suvekcha, I admire you for having written a highly personal essay. Your sense of compassion and responsibility, your desire to help the children, is quite evident in the essay and provides the solid foundation for your personal statement. I do not think that there is anything left to revise or delete from the essay. In my opinion, you have written the best essay that you can and the time has come to put it to the test in the hands of the admissions officer. This is the best version of the essay that you have written for a different school so far. It is different enough in presentation from the other one that it stands out as an original piece of writing once again. Be confident with this essay. It will do the job that you need it to do. At least that is my opinion :-) You are welcome to have a different one from mine and I will work with you for as long as it takes for you to gain the confidence that you need in your essay :-) What matters the most is your opinion about the work that you did :-)

I submitted the essay :) Thankyou for helping me. Really appreciate it :)