Born by chance - Life's Obstacles Essay

So I have started my admissions essay for UCF. I'm trying to make it interesting and not so ordinary. I also don't want it to be so common or basic and entice them to read it. I'm not 100% sure I accomplished that, but any advice for changes and editing would be greatly appreciated. I plan to write more .. examples about my qualities, to not just tell, but also show if it would be better and add more about me (towards the end, after the fish example - more like that). Please let me know! Thank you.

My essay -

Millions of babies are born by chance, but I was a direct result of prayer. My mother faced her difficulties in conceiving with heartfelt, unrelenting prayer and after three years, she was blessed with a baby boy, my big brother. Eleven months later and beyond her dreams, she had identical twin baby girls, and that is where my journey began. However, if you walked into a hospital room and the first thing your eyes see is a tiny baby with a needle protruding from her head, what would you make of her? If you'd see me now, all your previous thoughts would probably be blown away. I was born a premature twin, weighing only 2lb 14oz, needing a blood transfusion immediately and the only place able to insert the needle being the top of my head. After 47 days in the intensive care unit with my sister, we were finally able to go home.

Fast forward to about 8 years old. This was a time in my life where I was used to getting a candy from Publix at every visit. We had traditional vacations and road trips, but it all ended when my father's company closed. With only my mom's income as a teacher, we had to be extra cautious and always limit our spending. However, my intent isn't to drown you with melancholy, but to convey the reality that created the foundation for the strong, vibrant, resilient young woman that I am today. I have a need to achieve in anything I do, whether it be work or sports. I'm somewhat of a perfectionist, which isn't too bad considering I put all I have into my work, making sure it's the best it could be. I'm undeniably determined, going above and beyond for what I care about and believe in. I once sat on a dock from 10am to 10pm until I caught a fish, the size not mattering. I felt sorry for it and threw it back, so that it could be that same test of endurance for someone else, but nonetheless, I conquered. I fought to get into this world and I fight for the blessings that lie in every opportunity. I bring that with me and share it selflessly with the world around me.

Megan, first up, I would like to let you know that I am quite impressed with your story of survival as a premature baby. However, I do not believe that that particular story of your birth will be one that impresses the reviewer of your essay. The reason behind that opinion is that when reviewed in the context of a bump in the road or obstacle you had to overcome, there was really nothing in that story that spoke of your character. Being a helpless child, you survived because of the excellent medical care that you received from the doctors and hospital professionals. You were the recipient of their excellent skills and abilities. You survived or overcame this obstacle because of the efforts of other people. While I am pained by the picture you painted, it is not really a story that I feel directly responds to the first prompt requirement.

In order to properly address that bump in the road theme, you need to think of yourself during an age when you had the ability to overcome a hindrance in your life. Perhaps there was something that you wanted to do that you were prevented from doing but eventually succeeded in performing. Here is a thought: do you have a medical hindrance stemming from your premature birth that could perhaps be used to illustrate this instance? The idea being to portray yourself as having finally overcome an obstacle that stemmed from your birth. That would be quite impressive to learn about because it will be something that you personally had to learn to do in order to finally overcome that obstacle.

Now, regarding your fast-forward, I would not really mention the part about the drop in your family's financial abilities. It is a pretty common theme in these types of essays already and will not really impress the reader anymore. It is a tired topic. Rather than trying to discuss a host of your characteristics, I would like you to choose only one or two that you believe will best represent your ability to enhance the student community of the school. Remember, the best approach to this prompt would be to choose an excellent academic trait and then the best social trait that you can use to describe yourself. That way you show your ability to enhance both the academic and social aspects of university life. In order to make sure that you use the properties of your personality that will best impress the school, review their expectations of their students. Find out what they are looking for in a model student and make sure that you present yourself along those lines in your essay.

I have only one question for you at this point as it seems vague in the instructions. Will your word requirement be 500 words for both questions or for each question? If it is 500 words for both then you will need to prioritize which of the two questions will get most of the essay space or if they can be discussed within 250 words each. If it is per question, then develop each essay to the best point that you can. Good luck!